Another sleepless night. It’s hard for her to define if it’s her conscience or her intoxicated body’s fault.She’s trying to sleep. All she wants right now. Sleep and more beer. That’s all she needs. She has lots of money and definitely no future.She lays in her bed trying to find a better picture of herself that the one reflected by the mirror in the ceiling.She’s starving. All she finds close is a chocolate Easter egg “or it helps me or it kills me” she says to herself bitterly. She eats it very slowly, afraid of her weak stomach could make her threw up all she still had in there.It helped. She’s feeling better but still sleepless. Yes another cold night, yet another day wasted, and her aching body is claiming for more. She needs help but she can’t help but run. She’s running through the long dark and solitary path of self destruction.Lonely, yet another lonely night.She’s alone and cold. She hasn’t been touched in years. Not really touched, because her past relationships have been more endless nights of nothing but dirty sex. Not really touched.She’s bored now. Thinking about how lonely she is. Remembering all those nights of non stop drinking and fucking makes her feel bored now.Hungry, bored, lonely, weak and sleepless.And she’s been like this since the noon. All the dirty fucking came to her mind again, and she’s got an idea.She stands up, her legs shaking, her whole body is shaking cause she’s weak and yet anxious.She jumps in some clean clothes and goes out her boring, dark and lone house to find some fun outside. In the cool night.

Y es entonces el instante en que los pensamientos siempre hirientes, comienzan a fluir por toda mi alma, y exploto, y destruyo, y lastimo… no hay cuidado… ya en el borde de este abismo de tristeza depende de un solo paso, o de ser empujado primero… y caer, caer, caer… ¿Cuándo dejara de girar la rueda que da rumbo a mi destino?

Siempre marionetas del juego impropio de otros… y caer, caer, caer… siempre oyendo las mentiras, verdades incompletos, y… quiero escapar, gritar, encontrar la verdad – mi verdad – encontrar las respuestas, no parar de escribir, perder el miedo a parar, solo deslizarme renglón tras renglón, descolgando a pulso libre mis letras… libre… pues es lo único que me queda, el poder escribir aquí lo que siento… no quiero detenerme… son minutos valiosos, cada latido de mi corazón, siento casi que es el ultimo, por eso no quiero detenerme, si lo hago ahora… no estoy segura de volver a tener el valor de tomar mi pluma y escribir…

Te siento cerca, ahora, en medio de mi dolor, siento tu presencia, siento la fuerza de tus creencias, en cada uno de mis latidos, lo único que me queda.

No estoy segura si quiero que leas esto, no lo sé, solo me basta con sentirte aquí, brillando, en medio de tu propia soledad, en medio de tu oscuridad, que aun así es más clara para mí.

Sigues estando allí para mi, y me dijiste que te abriera mi corazón, solo tú lo has logrado, así como me dejaste entrar en tu mundo, en la profundidad de tu mirada, de tus sentimientos, estás siempre llenando mis vacios, sí, eso es, eres mi faro, así como dices que mi sonrisa ilumina tu vida, y ya que solo tú conoces mi corazón, no podré yo confiar en otra persona…

Te siento cerca, siento la fuerza de tus creencias, déjame robar esa fuerza… quiero ser como tú, perder este miedo a la perdida, dejar de sentir miedo por el futuro, concretar ideas vagas, creer en algo, en alguien, sin miedo a que mi corazón deje de latir y yo no pueda decirte todo lo que siento por ti.

Eres mi fuerza, eres o que me mantiene viva, desde el día en que me estiraste tu mano y sonreíste, maravillosamente, solo para mí.

Serán tus palabras lo que me mantendrá viviendo, serán las últimas que escuche, tu sonrisa, la vid del alma, tu mirada, tu tierna sonrisa ¿Por qué no? Tu presencia, tu alma, todo lo que me has entregado ¿Qué será de ti, mi pobre amado, cuando yo muera? Solo la muerte podría evitar que te brindase lo que es tuyo; todo mí ser.

¿Recuerdas las lágrimas que derramamos juntos? Las alegrías compartidas, mi pobre amado, mi legado es mi recuerdo, el tuyo tu presencia inmortal, nuestro pobre amor, cuando al fin hayamos nuestra felicidad seremos tan tristemente separados.

En el grito de nuestras almas, todas las mañanas clamando un día mas, y sol, siempre estos días los dedicaste a mí, y me enseñaste tantas cosas tiernas, le dedicaste cada segundo a mi sonrisa… yo si te comprendí, cuando en mis brazos rompiste en llanto como un niño, te jure que no me dejaría vencer, y peleo con cada fuerza que me queda para vivir un día mas, sonreír un día mas, hablarte un momento más.

Mi pobre amor, el sol de mis días, ¿Fue acaso un mal encontrarnos? Perdóname, si lo hubiera sabido nunca te hubiera hecho daño, hubiera continuado con mi sequedad, no te hubiera dado esperanzas, no te hubiera jurado ayuda, no te hubiera prometido el resto de la vida juntos.

Perdóname mi pobre amado, no merezco tu sonrisa… ¿Por qué, si fuimos tan apasionados y felices, ahora tenemos que ser separados? Si fuimos tan agradecidos a la vida por todos los momentos juntos, perdóname mi sol, sigue siendo mi culpa…

¡Oh corazón! Ahora júrame como me juraste amor, no te destruirás luego de mi partida… Es tan duro, no sé si podremos olvidar, si podre dejar de ser yo tu razón para vivir y tu mi sol, mi faro, mi fuerza, tu luz, ¡oh mi pobre amor! perdóname, y que me perdone el destino por tratar de ser tu razón  para vivir…

Solo, lo diré de nuevo, y sonreiré, y llorare, y tú me arrullaras como a una niña y me darás tu paz, la seguridad de tus abrazos, que son más fuertes que el abrazo de la muerte…

¿Cuál crees que es la estación más bella de todas? Siempre me gusto el otoño, colores ocre; café, amarillo, dorado y bronce.

Las personas dicen que las hojas caen al suelo, pero yo no lo creo, creo que descansan, descienden de los árboles y se dejan acariciar por el viento, reemplazan a la lluvia y nos seducen con el crujir particular al pisarlas en el suelo.

Los arboles desnudos claman a las nubes un vestido nuevo de nieve, se despojan de sus vestiduras oscuras cubriendo el piso con ellas.

Pero no es una estación triste, porque alegra no es días soleados y aves cantando, para mí la alegría es ver cómo se siente en el aire los cantos suplicantes de los arboles al cielo, que a pesar de empezar a nublarse dejan pasar rayos del sol a la tierra.

Comienzan épocas de frio y ahí más que nunca sientes que no estás solo.

Solo pasamos juntos uno o dos otoños, y nunca me gusto más pisar las hojas secas en los parques, en las noches frías estábamos juntos dándonos calor…

so, i was out like 4 days, but now the domain is up and running again.

my boyfriend got in a car accident at 1 am this morning, he’s fine fortunatelly, but the car got badly damaged.

last night was lost season finale, and it was amazing, i’m more obsessed with lost. love that damn tv show. gotta buy the dvds and gotta live from wednesday to wednesday to get to the lost crazy night.

jealousy. what a hard thing.

life. what a cruel thing.

possesion. obsession. love.

so many stuff.

but the point is; people will come and go. and it will always hurt in the heart.
i will always love my Jack, and even though we cannot be together, and i will see him get another woman… i will hurt to bleed.

that night at that tree it was doomed but we didn’t know.

we had no clue that we were spending our last hours together.
and ever since then i have regreted taking that time away from your wife and your kids, and stole it like so many things, like that kiss, like you life…

its a burden that goes with me wherever i go, even now, when the storm is over, when i earned a new life, it’s still with me.

sometimes i still wake up, with that bitter taste in my mouth of living and smiling, knowing that you’re no longer with your family, and enjoying your life and saving so many others lives… all because of me…

I think Jack knows, and he always wake me up touching my arms ever so tenderly, trying to wip away my pain… i look into his eyes, and there’s hope. there’s this calm, soft and sweet feeling, true pure love, beyond everything that can stand between us, he’s just loving this part of me that i bet it’s all the life you let in me, all the joy you gave me once, and all that brings me to life every morning…. looking for redemption…

What Jack doesn’t know, is that i still wake up in the night to watch him sleep, and fear fills me and makes me cold to death… i watch him breath so peacefully in and out. every breath cuts me into pieces of fear, scared of not watching his chest raise up and down anymore… he’s my doctor, my savior and my lover… just like you were, and i fear it would end up in a tragedy again.

Maybe, just maybe someday, i will be able to find the strenght to see what you and destiny want to show me with this… maybe, just maybe.

how do you clear your body of your dirtyness.

the dirty blood that runs through your veins. the dirty shit in your brain. how to clean every cell of your body and erase any heritage of this darkness and dirt?

you can’t. you’ll live with it all yoyr life. it will be part of you till your death.
how to cut yourself into tiny little pieces. when your body becomes liquid, when you stop being yourself. you stop containing all that;s in you and it spreads all over the floor. it goes back to the dirt of the earth

so i kissed you

and i feel sorry. but not about the kiss, but about you dishing me away because of it.
i wish i could take back time to that moment, i wish i could think more clearly. i wish i could stop me from rambling and yelling all those things to you. To you, my dear. You, that over everyone in the world, are the last person to deserve such an injury in the heart.

In that moment, i didn’t realize i was hurting you, i though that all this feelings i have inside are just inside of me. my confusion and all the mixed up feelings flowing through my body had my mind clouded. i could only think of Wayne coming back to revenge his dead, time to pay for my sins, in this island where i can’t run away.

so there you were. the more i tried to run away from everyone, the more you find me.
i should have run, without opening my stupid mouth. i should have let you throw your shit at me like i deserve it. but i just don’t know why, i gave you a come back. and it was harder that i even realized.

now that i think about it with a clearer mind, i remember your eyes, full of confusion and concern when i yelled at you all my selfpity. you were truly worried and i could even see a bit of regret for doubting me of being sorry. you felt worried about hurting me. How sweet you are. You weren’t the reason for me to be hurt, but you felt guilty.

you only bring me joy and peace. i should have yelled that, because that is what i truly feel. not all those hurting things i said.

the tone of your voice chaged. you’re so sweet you forgot your own rage, and focused worried on me. you can’t stop caring about everyone, can you?

so i had to run. i had to run to all the things i let out and couldn’t take back in. but you didn’t let me. you held my harm so hard it hurted. i tried to run one more time but then your other arm was around my waist and then i lost all my strenght. i was in your warm embrace, and for the first time i didn’t want to run away. i wanted you to hold me like that forever. i couldn’t believe that after all i said you were holding me. so warm, so sweet, so… safe.

so i let myself out even more. i gave up to your embrace and cried. i said something i can’t even remember because my mind was a completly mess. so many feelings and thoughts yelling inside at the same time. and then there was your touch. your hands softly caresing my shoulders. and then there was your eyes, deep concern, warm caring green-like-never eyes. looking down at me, deep in my eyes, into my heart. and then there was your voice, soft in a whisper, just for you and me to listen ‘it’s ok’. you were confused, but you really meant it. ‘it’s ok’. and so i felt it

all the noise in my head going away. silenced by your voice. ‘it’s ok’. i think you could see in a moment that was like ages for me, how all the noise just left me there, with you. no rage, no other feelings. i was just hearing your voice.

so you relaxed a bit, i saw a little relief.

you were there and just with your magical words you made everything ok. there was no island. no water. no problems. no Wayne. no Sawyer. no nothing. just you and me. and everything was so peaceful. and for that second of peace i would thank you forever.

after so many years of running. after so many tragedies. i felt a blessed second of peace. a bit of heaven. and all thanks to you. and then, i realized that you make me feel like this everytime we’re together, even when there’s always something going on. but we finally were alone, and there was nothing in this earth that could stop this blessed moment, between just you and me.

i wanted to melt into this peace, with you. i wanted it to be forever. and i kissed you. i wanted you to feel how thankful i am for this wonderful peace. and then there was your lips, tight but soft, so hot and alive, kissing me back. i couldn’t believe it. you were kissing me back. you were sharing this moment!

this was heaven, i kissed you with all my need. your kiss was slow, tender. i wanted to melt into your breath. i wanted to stay like that forever.
the feel of your hair, your neck, your face. your hands still softly in my arms.

I had to stop for air and then i saw your eyes. those pretty eyes, those eyes i’ve seen full of joy and full of sadness, were looking down at me with… confussion? and then i realized what i did.

i used you. i used you to make me feel good. i wanted to be a good person, i wanted to be clean, just like you are, through kissing you. but when you kissed me back you where actually… feeling something?… something else?… so all the peace was gone. instead of fixing all the pain i created more. i used the only person on earth that has ever cared about me this way. i was so selfish.

and then all the peace was gone. all the noise coming back. all those voices telling me i was nothing but Wayne’s blood. i was nothing but a bad person. a criminal. a murderer.

so i ran, as fast as i could. i could heard your voice calling my name, but this time, it wouldn’t make it ok. this time it was just my name, under the heavy weight of my burdens.

so i’m sorry for kissing you. not for the second of heaven i had. but for everything that came after that.
you staying away from me. those days were long and sad.

and i thought i lost you forever. until you came and invited me to go to the trade.

you were different. not sweet anymore. you were hard with me. the sweet fun long gone. nothing but bitter fun among us. but even that, i loved it. i was lucky to have you talking to me again. to see you smile, even if it wasn’t the same smile. but sharing this space with you was heaven.

so i had now the chance to say what i’ve been thinking all this days. saying ‘I’m Sorry’ and hoping you would forgive me.

———————–

‘I’m sorry I kissed you’

‘I’m not’

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