spread your wings and fly

find a better place to stay

not just to feed your need

but to reconcile with the past and the future

i’m numb

the antidepressants are doing it’s thing keeping me numb and stupid right now.

i’m not really sad. i feel nothing at all. i should be sad. i should be broken.

and i’ll probably be sooner than later. but right now i’m numb

he’s upset with me and i am with him

something really stupid happened and because of it we haven’t talked and looks llike we’re not gonna talk.

but it’s not that stupid since it’s driven us to this.

i try to get to the bottom of this. looking for an explanation. is it simple pride? is it a deep scar in my heart? is it nothing just sabotaging myself?… why can’t i give in? why do i feel like i should fight for my position? like he’s the one that should give in?

what am i trying to prove? i really don’t know. i want my brain to focus but it only takes me to this numb white space where there’s nothing. i feel nothing. i guess it’s shock, while the fact settles in; he’s too perfect he reminds me of my father.

All high moral, all perfect respect to the world. and where do i stand? what am i? senseless bitch?

what did i say? what have i done wrong? why i was talking about how wonderful he is and next thing i know he’s hurting me with his perfection, scrubbing the bad in me in my nose?

oh no, this is me trying to blame him… then what is the true story?? i did something that wrong and that bad, he couldn’t just let it pass by because i was drunk?? and next morning so sober he couldn’t be nice??

that’s me blaming him again… i did wrong. i tried to kiss him passionatelly in public and he felt embarassed to the point he rather pushed me away. i did it because i was drunk. or i did it because i wasn’t thinking, but i never think!! i don’t think about stuff i just do and say as i feel! that’s who i am right?

but anyway. i did wrong. i got drunk on tuesday and lost control of my acts.

he just went angry on me.

this morning i was bad too. i didn’t apologize. i just kept on my point of view.

ok this is me doing the best to blame myself about all this. and let me tell ya, i don’t feel it.

And hell, if i don’t feel it, i’m probably right. it’s not my pride. it’s me defending myself.

so i’m upset at him. is his fault? maybe. it’s because his inner weakness. if i’ve been grown surrounded by sadness and lack of love, he’s been surrounded by high morals and doing what’s supposed to be good.

it’s his imperfection.

can i live with it? i can’t tell because, it’s hurting me, andi just can’t find the words to deal with it.

Then, this is finally my fault. if we’re over, it’s because i couldn’t deal with his defects, when he deals with mines all the time.

bingo. got to the bottom of it. i can’t get over this hurt, because i’m not that good to accept him just the way he is. so, what am i supposed to do?

die alone.

after all, i don’t deserve him.

maybe there’s a girl outside in this world that deserves him. someone pretty inside and outside that can give him beautiful babies and make him happy. always.

for me. i want to believe. but honestly, i’m back to where i started. i really should stay alone and die. soon.

I thank the gods, llife and destiny for the most wonderful 3 months i’ve lived. i felt alive, full of hope again. i’ve got a renewed hope in human race.

and just another slip to fall on my ass on the floor and realize, i should just watch this world, and stay outside, while i wait for the day to come.