So, it’s ironic that in this moment of my life, the latest album of Kylie Minogue is stuck in my head and my heart, when it’s clearly the soundtrack of love.

it means a lot to me, that wonderful concert with my (then)boyfriend. filling our bodies and souls with the magic of kylie, her presence, her music. the crowd going crazy and obvious love in the air.

There was a lot of gay people around, and what else can be love than that.

i was with the person i though was the one for me, but i wasn’t the one for him, he later found out (oh crap yeah).

every song reminds me of him, of what i felt, and what it wasn’t there.

For example: “All I See“. Check out this wonderful lyrics:

Weekend has arrived
Everybody’s trying to find something to get into
My friends wanna go out
But I can’t cancel my plans
Got a date with my baby he’s picking me up
So I’m gonna catch up with you some other day
Gotta go can’t make him wait tonight
Have to make sure I’m looking hot
‘Cos we’re going to our favourite spot
Till the morning we’re gonna rock
Boy you rock me up (yeah)
My baby
Doesn’t matter what’s going on
Or who’s around us
All I see is you
Right now they’re playing our song
Dancefloor is ours
All I see is you
The DJ’s got me feelin’ like I did
When I first met you
And there’s nothing that can’t break us apart
In two
‘Cos all I see is you
I get lost in time
When I’m lookin’ in your eyes
And we’re body to body
I don’t want you to rush
‘Cos you’re feeling like heaven to me
Follow the rhythm
And keep it real close
In the dark everything goes
Love it better when you touch
(Don’t stop)
Baby ‘cos we’ve just begun
Have to make sure I’m looking hot
‘Cos we’re going to our favourite spot
Till the morning we’re gonna rock
Boy you rock me up (yeah)
My baby
Doesn’t matter what’s going on
Or who’s around us
All I see is you
Right now they’re playing our song
Dancefloor is ours
All I see is you
The DJ’s got me feelin’ like I did
When I first met you
And there’s nothing that can’t break us apart
In two
‘Cos all I see is you
Oh oh oh
Please don’t let me go oh oh
My love for you’s growing
More and more and more
As we move across the floor
‘Cos all I see is you
‘Cos all I see is you
DJ spin my record again
My baby
Doesn’t matter what’s going on
Or who’s around us
All I see is you
Right now they’re playing our song
Dancefloor is ours
All I see is you
The DJ’s got me feelin’ like I did
When I first met you
And there’s nothing that can’t break us apart
In two
‘Cos all I see is you  

Isn’t it awesome? isn’t it what we all feel when we’re in love? like the world can fall apart, it doesn’t matter, all that matters in your eyes is your loved one. Yeah, i felt like that. and maybe for a while he felt the same way back. but then he gave too much importance to what “others” said about us. Here’s the funny story; a “friend” of him told him he saw us in a mall all passionate and “inappropriate” kissing in public. Well, what can i say. First i think is so fraking lame to care about what others say. Second, let me tell ya, when my friends saw me with him, they could see and feel the love in the air, so they really didn’t care about much but feel happy about me. Ok let’s pick another scenario, when you see a couple in love, don’t you fell just a little bit of joy? you can see them in love, even if they are strangers, and you feel like “aw so cute” or whatever. if you’ve ever been in love, you see a couple that’s completely unaware of the world outside and you feel like “aw i know how that feels” and you even feel a little happiness, even if those are complete strangers, because it gives you hope that love does exist.

so i’ve been trial and found guilty of ignoring the whole world because all i saw was him, and i really didn’t care about what others thought. Ok yeah, i admit it I’M FRAKING GUILTY! i don’t give a fuck about what others think or say about me! specially if i’m in love!!! fuck them ok? i’m not hurting anybody by kissing my boyfriend in the street, in the mall or even in the fucking church. if someone feels hurt by that, you kow what, go FUCK YOURSELF. go find love bitch! if you feel disgusted by seeing someone in love, go fucking die. go fucking leave the world in peace because you are one of those people that can’t accept someone else’s happiness. i don’t want that kind of people in my life. go AWAY and BE GOOD GONE.

Anyway. i feel relieved to make my point here.

Moving to another song, we have a beautiful “The One”, check this out:

Starlight shimmers everywhere
There’s a certain something in the air
Can you feel what I feel in me?
It’s in the air, electricity oh, oh
Glimmering under neon lights
I can see the look, that’s in your eyes
Like a shooting star in a galaxy
Making it’s way to the heart of me
I’m the one
Love me, love me, love me, love me
My pulse is racing and I’m feeling high
Never-ending starts tonight
When you do what you do to me
Come on and let yourself feel the need in me, oh oh
Circling and we’re getting close
Can you imagine, just suppose
It’s a feeling that I need to know
Close to touch like Michelangelo
I’m the one
Love me, love me, love me, love me
Can you hear me?
I’m connecting with you
Can you feel me?
I’ll do anything to have you near me
I was wondering will you reach me?  

So pretty. Isn’t it? We all just want to feel we’re the one to someone else. and when we are we just feel it. i just wanted to be the one for you. i wanted you to love me. like a prayer “love me love me love me”… and well. i wasn’t that one. i would have don anything for you, but you didn’t reach me, you pulled me apart anyway…

well. i just wanted/needed/expected love. nothing else.

you were the one for me dear. or so i thought. now thinking again, the One for me, won’t be bothered by me, by my imperfections, or by the way i am. loud, foul mouth, exuberant laugh. straight to the point, analytic, serious, rational, and all the opposites. someone to want that, will be the one.

How about “Wow”:

Read my lips, I’m into you,
I’m into you,
Can’t resist,
You’re so hot (get me into the shade)
The spotlight’s on
You creep into it,
You like it and,
Just the way that you dance,
Just the way that you dance.

 

(Yeah yeah) Is enough to love me baby,
(Yeah yeah yeah) Is enough to send me crazy,
(Yeah yeah) Such an angelic motion,
(Yeah yeah yeah) You know you’re made in heaven.

The way you walk, the rhythm when you’re dancing,
Every inch of you spells out desire,
You’re such a rush (rush), the rush is never ending,
Now,
You got it, you’re wow wow wow wow,
You got it, you’re wow wow wow wow.

The more I try, I try to stop,
The more I can feel my antenna just sensing you up,
And what can I do?
I’m into you, I’m into you,
Love the way that you move,
Just love the way that you move.
(Yeah yeah) Such an angelic motion,
(Yeah yeah yeah) you know you’re made in Heaven.

 

The way you walk, the rhythm when you’re dancing,
Every inch of you spells out desire,
You’re such a rush (rush), the rush is never ending,
Now,
You got it, you’re wow wow wow wow,
You got it, you’re wow wow wow wow.

The thing is that it’s not always about love. it need a little physical connection too. and when you have both, in deed it’s WOW! and we had both i think. he said he couldn’t stop himself from touching me (not a pervert way) and i’m a touchy person, i love to be touched and to touch. and i loved the way we touched each other. always, holding hands, caressing, kisses were like heaven. it’s hard to get that with someone, i don’t think i’ll ever have that.

let’s keep going, “2 hearts”:

You make me invisible
Like the sky, you make my day
I feel so wonderful
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go   Now, see, there’s a darker few
It feels like I never saw the sun
Should I shout for a rescue
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go
Two hearts are beating, together.
I’m in love (woohoo)
I’m in love (woohoo)
Is this forever, and ever
I’m in love (woohoo)
I’m in love (woohoo)
Looks good in the sunshine
Hold on, ‘cause
I’m coming up for air
I can’t even see up here
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go
Two hearts are beating, together.
I’m in love (woohoo)
I’m in love (woohoo)
Is this forever, and ever
I’m in love (woohoo)
I’m in love (woohoo)

indeed in love feels like heaven, and your significant other is the sun and the stars of that heaven. and in that high heaven, you see  nothing else. he was that for me, i really felt our hearts connected beating together, inseparable… guess what, we were separated after all. by the pressure he couldn’t handle, by his “friend”’s comments. by his own doubts. anyway, i had to keep reminding me that no matter how strong i felt it, it wasn’t the same for him. it’s the only reason we’ve been thrown to this point.

let’s move to the first song i fell in love with in this album “In my Arms”:

How do you describe the feeling?
I’ve only ever dreamt of this
DJ’s spinning up my favorite song
Hurry up and get a groove on
Life’s fantastic and it won’t be long
Don’t let the moment slip away
Cause you and I could find a pleasure
No one else has ever known
Feels like it is now or never
Don’t wanna be alone
How does it feel in my arms?
How does it feel in my arms?
Do you want it?
Do you need it?
Can you feel it?
Tell me
How does it feel in my arms?
Got a feeling this is something strong
All I wanna do is move on
No more wondering were I belong
So never go away
Cause you and I are guilty pleasure
No one else has ever known
Feels like it is now or never
Don’t wanna be alone
How does it feel in my arms?
How does it feel in my arms?
Do you want it?
Do you need it?
Can you feel it?
Tell me
How does it feel in my arms?
I’m listening

No part of this song is bad. all of it is good and perfect. i simply adore it. i felt good in his arms you know. i think for a moment he felt good too. what can be stronger than that feeling?? i still wonder. this song was us. now it’s not. wonder what went really wrong. wonder how could something else be stronger. anyway, if i was just that bad for him, if i really have something he couldn’t stand, then it’s ok. those things part of me were stronger. and all of this was an illusion. no problem. i’ll be alright.

Let’s move to “Sensitized”:

Sensitized by every word that you say
boy you got me messed up
but I like it that way
Tantalized just too good to refuse
when I try to stop ya
you keep blowing my fuse
can’t deny how hot I’m feeling
if my body could fly
I’d hit the ceiling cause
I can’t hold back, the minute I try
baby you trip the switch and I’m sensitized
ev’ry touch, whatever you do
baby you trip the switch, I turn on for you
energized by all the pleasure and pain
boy you got that something
that burns a spark to a flame look at me, you got me begging for more cause you got that one thing I hadn’t discovered before
can’t deny how rude I’m feeling
if my body could talk
you’d hear me screaming
can’t hold back, the minute I try
baby you trip the switch and I’m sensitized
ev’ry touch, whatever you do
baby you trip the switch, I turn on for you
I’m sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I’m sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I’m sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I’m sensitized tonight, I’m sensitized tonight
I come alive
baby you know it’s true, I feel this for you
I come alive
baby you know it’s true, I feel this for you
I come alive

how else can i put it? i was sensitized. open to everything he said. not just physical, but spiritual. in my soul. i believed for the first time in a LONG FRAKING TIME that i was loved. i believed him every time he said he loved me. i felt good with all his pretty words. he said he loved the contradiction of me. he loved me being tough and tender. strong and sensitive. all that is part of me. he said he loved it. and guess what, i wasn’t perfect like he said. he couldn’t take the whole pack in. i wasn’t enough. i wasn’t perfect.

guess what. i knew about his weakness. his imperfection. i never rejected him for that. because all of it, made him perfect. i wanted to stay by his side on his weakness, i could have stayed while he handled the pressure he was under. i could have learned a lot. but i guess it’s not an option anymore.

This one was a pretty song to see live, “Heart Beat Rock”:

Lovers in the back seat
Boys in the back street
Girls in their tight wash
Figure hugging blue jeans
They’re looking like they want
To show out what they got
Their feet are itching to dance
Their bodies ready to rock
I’ve been around the world
But I’m not those other girls
I’m feeling special do you like what you see?
‘Cause I got my best dress on
Can I be your fantasy?
‘Cause I can make your heartbeat rock
I can make your heartbeat rock
I can make your heartbeat rock
I can make your heartbeat rock ooh, ooh…
Baby show me what you got
Baby show me what you got
I can make you so damn hot
I can make you so damn hot
‘Cause I can make your heart beat
ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah
Ladies in the spotlight
Boys are checking their tights
Skirts out while their hips sway
Bumping to the hot track
People take a step back
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon
‘Cause I can make your heartbeat rock  

Yeah moving to greener paths. i felt special, and i thank you because right now i still do. i’m not that bad am i? i’m not like other girls, i’m one of a kind, and indeed i rocked your world as long as you left me and you want to remember.

he rocked my world in a very positive way. he made me happy, he made my heat beat like crazy in crazy tunes and rhythms. for that i’m thankful.

here’s one, and it couldn’t be deeper, “Cosmic”:

I wanted to write a song called ‘Cosmic’
I wanted to get a view of the earth
I wanted to be your lonesome cowboy
I wanted to love you till it hurt
I wanted the right to misbehave
To say she ain’t my crave
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep yet now I’m here
I’m here
I wanted to take your place just sometimes
To know the things you know and why you did the things you do
To say ‘no’ one time and believe it
Oh I wanted so much but only needed you
Wasn’t it just my choice to make,
the bed in which I lay?
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep yet now I’m here
I’m here
I wanted to be able to talk without the interruption
I wanted to sing exotic words
I wanted to find a way to put the end to all of my destruction
I wanted to re-know what I was worth
But wasn’t it just my choice to make,
the bed in which I lay?
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep yet now I’m here
I’m here (it’s cosmic)
I’m here (it’s cosmic)  

breath taking uh? i’ve never denied. i was dying when he appeared in my life. there was so much pain and tears and he came and filled my life with light and hope and laughter. he opened the door in my life and he coach me out without knowing it. he gave me the chance to love and be happy again. for that i’m thankful, more than he’ll ever know. i would have loved to stay like that, happy and plenty, singing just for him, talking, listening, living and learning with him, but like the song says it “but wasn’t it just my choice to make, the bed in which i lay”. he chose for us. it wasn’t up to my great whishes. it was about 2. and one fell out of love, it’s the end of the deal for me, nothing to do.

still. after all, i’m here. alive and kicking. found my worth again. and hell yeah it’s cosmic.

finally to end with gold, the bittersweet “No More Rain”:

Have you ever thought, that the sky was just endlessly dark?
And then you look up, and see a million stars
Have you ever been scared of the water, and stuck on the edge?
And then you dive in, how quickly you forget
Your fears that kept you awake at night
Now that I’m back in the light so warm
I feel it like a
Wave of love coming over me
Got a glitter drop fall and I’m on my knees
Got the sound of you ringing in my ears
Sun coming up on another day
Got a second hand chance, gonna do it again
Got rainbow colours and no more rain
No more (rain)
No more (rain)
No more (rain)
No more
Have you ever dreamt you were flying until you look down?
You never moved an inch, feet firmly on the ground
Our love carries the hurt that you hold
Funny how life can unfold
Oh yeah, I feel it like a

Wave of love coming over me
Got a glitter drop fall and I’m on my knees
Got the sound of you ringing in my ears
Sun coming up on another day
Got a second hand chance, gonna do it again
Got rainbow colours and no more rain

  No more (rain)
No more (rain)
No more (rain)
No more

i’ll tell ya why it’s bittersweet; i felt like no more rain when i met him and he got in my life, stuck in my heart. i felt like i had another chance to making thins right and to be happy.

now, he’s not in me… he’s not with me. but still i hear Kylie everyday, and that and our memories exorcised today with this post, i can hope, there will be no more rain.

after writing this, i feel good. with myself, with us.

no more rain, just keep living, that and my love for music is all that’s left and it’s more than enough to keep going.

over and happily out.

so, it could have been 4 months today. but instead, you chose to be the real end.

i had a hope of we being fantastic together. not just good or great, but fantastic.

but now, i don’t have you.

i’m alone again. and this time, hurts like it’s never hurted before.

the kylie minogue concert. singing (screming) “love at first sight” for you. kissing during that song. watching amazing fireworks at the end of the concert. waking up by your side for more than 5 wonderful days. travelling together through our country, from yout town to mine. looking at you driving with your sunglases. watching you sleep. caressing your skin. making love. watching your beautiful white teeth when you laughted. your smile. your piercings. your smell. planning a life together. making you laugh, making you cry. your eyes. giving you a foot massage. shopping together. you cooking, me just watching. our senseless conversations. drnking beer and watching the city from above together. swimming together. me crying while you held me. dreaming together. talking in your car in front of my apartment about our kids. giving you a surprise visit at work. helping you finish a work-related task. you at my office while i succeded after a month of bad luck at work. eating togther. feeling the wonder when i saw you everyday like it was the first time of my life. feeling butterflies on my stomach, in ache of just watching you. me meeting your family. being by your side while you were sad mourning for someone close to your family. getting drunk together. fall asleep after making love.  road trip together. me asking you to be my boyfriend. on a miniboat together. making you laugh. meeting for the first time.

it was love.

we did so many things. and SO many thing were left undone.

we could have been fantastic together.

i can’t stop loving you. but looks like you already did.

you call it an end. you’re not confortable with me. with my foul mouth, with me being so loud. with me being so ”unproper”…

you were the one. and it breaks my heat that i was so FUCKING SURE i was the one for you. i was so sure you loved me with all my faults. and at the end, it wasn’t true. you can’t stand me, the whole package. it breaks my heart it’s over.

i would have stayed with you in the bad times, in the good times, while sick or healthy. i would have learned to cook. i could have been the one to make you happy.

you are(were) the one for me. but it wasn’t true. you didn’t love me at all.

at the end it was me the one to ask you to be my boyfriend.

at the end it was me the one to say ‘i love you’ first.

i would have fought for you.

i could have waited for you longer.

but you just want it to be over. because you can’t stand me. you’re ashamed of me.

i was proud of you. honored to be with you. i talked about you all the time. i felt alive and happy and loved for the first time in my life.

now. i’m alone. you’re gone.

we could have been fantastic together.

i have no doubt.

i’m brokenhearted.  but like a friend said, my heart is broken but i still love you with every fallen piece of it.

please be happy. please be happy.

i love you.

for every tear i shed, is a wish for you to be happy

without me, please be happy.

by yourself or with someone else. please be happy.

please just keep smiling because your smile shines the whole fucking world.

i love you.

even if you left me broken and empty, even if you broke my heart 20 times. i love you.

please be happy.

Sí
Yo quería ser esa mujer
La madre de tus hijos
Y juntos caminar hacia el altar
Directo hacia la muerte
Y al final ni hablar
Los dos nos destruimos
Y al final qué tal
Tú y yo ya no existimos

No
No quiero ser esa mujer
Ella se fue a un abismo
Tú no eres aquel
Que prometió sería mi súper héroe
Y qué todo acabó
No queda más
Seremos dos extraños
Yo
Te olvidaré
Me olvidarás
Hasta nunca

Y donde quedó
Ese botón que lleva a la felicidad
Luna de miel rosa pastel
Clichés y tonterías
Y al final ni hablar
Los dos nos destruimos
Y al final qué tal
Tú y yo ya no existimos

No
No quiero ser esa mujer
Ella se fue a un abismo
Tú no eres aquel
Que prometió sería mi súper héroe
Y qué todo acabó
No queda más
Seremos dos extraños
Yo
Te olvidaré
Me olvidarás
Hasta nunca.

Well Hello world
Hope you’re listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
And I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in their own place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So I say to you..

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there’s a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oooh

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
But until then

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there’s a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oooh

Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
So hear this now

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there’s a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oooh

So. i’m not so numb anymore.

instead of staying away from him like i was supposed to, first thing i did was to see him. i saw the happiness in his eyes when he saw me. i felt happy to see him and hear him and smell him…

i saw his love in his eyes again, in his touch. but he asked me for one more week. to think and whatever.

and it crushed me again.

but. when he left, i felt this little hope, in that brief moment where i felt he still loved me.

well now, i just feel sad because i’m alone. because i begged him not to leave me and he still did.

i’ve been sad and sensitive. feeling hurt by people. and things at work haven’t helped that much.

i just want to wait for the man of my dreams, to come back.

meanwhile i’ll be dying sad.

So. i’m single again. and this is the top 10 things to do, when you’re doing fine getting single again:

1. Update Social-Networking sites: So i started at facebook, changing the status from “in a relationship with…” to “Single”. then i moved to other places and finally i just updated MySpace. It’s funny because i haven’t logged on MySpace for more than 9 months. But i came back!

2. Re-visit all Social-Networking sites you used to love and check on your e-pals: So while i was in a relationship, i was a bitch to my E-pals. I completelly forgot about internet and a lot of sites i used to visit. So i came back to YouTube and watched a lot of videos from my friends, made some comments. I watched a lot of Chris Crocker videos. I just love this guy <3 it’s so sweet to see that no matter what, your e-pals are there. they have enough fans/friends that they just won’t bother because you left for like 6 months, they will always receive you back with a huge hug and sweet words. That’s nice.

3. Update negledted blog: So i didn’t post that much while i was happy. maybe you’re just my wall of shame, but it’s always good to come back and write, clear my mind, take stuff out of my system, even be creative as i used to be. It’s always good for the heart, the mind and the soul.

4. Get back in touch with Fandoms: so livejournal, hi back!. I hadn’t had much time to check my fave comms in livejournal. and i had a lot of reading to do. but it’s great to be back to what used to be my passions, what used to be me. the very few good parts of me. i’m excited about BSG starting again this January, and i’m slightly obsessed with the Big Bang Theory, so i really want to dive full into it. I’m still working on this point, but i’ve had a good start.

5. Clean PC: it’s the only cleaning i want to do. I would say “clean house” too but i’m too fucking lazy. depression is showing itself right now through low energy. i really don’t want to move that much. only when absolutelly needed. but PC is always there and doesn’t require that much moving. So i really gotta clean my pc, because i have so much movies i want to see, and tv shows to catch up. so i need space. lots and lots of space. i’ll be doing this soon…

6. Listen to meaningful music: ok this one is touchy. music means a lot to me. so it’s a need that can hurt, but if you can handle it, it’s good. i’ve been listening to good music again. hearing the lyrics, singing. somethings may remind me of the previous relationship, but if handled well, it can be rich. Right now i’m kinda hooked on Kylie Minogue latest album. So sexy. and the music gets stuck in your fraking mind. I’m fearing country music. I love it but it’s too sad. I just want good music to feel good. Sometimes i just put on a sad playlist on purpose. and shed a tear or too. join a crescendo of feelings and multiply it with drama. but that’s good too.

7. Buy something: So this one is the hardest for me right now because i’m out of cash and full of debts. But i’m honestly thinking about buying what i’ve been wanting for quite long, and that is some kind of game console. I’ve been wanting a X-Box to play DDR and Guitar Hero. I’ve been obsessed with a PSP lately too. so the best investment is the X-Box obviously. I don’t know what i’ll get. I’m sure it’s gonna be the X.box. but it’s gonna take like 6 months for me to get it. oh gelly crap. but still i’ll do it. And it’s great to have an economic-consumistic goal again. i missed that feeling.

8. Do Nothing: Exactly. that. nothing. just lay in bed. sleep a lot. Sleep is the best friend of your mind. it ceases the stupid noise inside. It gives you peace. closest to death or any other medications. i have a special hability for this one. i can sleep a lot. so just lay there, listen to music or whatever cheap tv show  (i just love VH1 realities) and sleep.

9. Smoke (or retake whatever bad habit you had and left for your past relationship): so i stopped smoking because i was thinking about having babies with my past boyfriend. i did it for the babies, not for me or even him (maybe a little tiny bit for him). so right now, no plans to procreate. noone close to do it with. so i bought a pack of cigs and i felt sooo good. i’ve been the regular smoker i used to be. i’m more aware of the damages it causes me, but i’m certainly under a self destruction phase somehow (i’ve always been), and there’s no reason to change that. smoking makes me feel back in touch with myself. i’m doing it because i want to. more than a habit, more than a hook. It’s me being me. so i love it.

10. Make plans. Little day-by-day plans (and feel great about them): So. i had plans with this guy. we were having a family, and that’s what i’ve always dreamt of. I was even thinking about how i was going to get there finantially. but always planning in 2. Now it’s a good chance to think about 1. and that 1 is me. and i feel good right now. maybe it’s because i’m getting used to disappointment, because it’s not the first time that couple plans come crashing down. i don’t know what it is. but i feel good thinking about me. about buying my next house. gettin MY stuff. i’m excited and so happy.

At the end of the day, mixed feelings, but it’s gonna be ok.

over and out.

So. he broke up with me. Last Thursday, 20 of november.

i’m still in shock. like i cried the night he broke up with me, but i’ve been peaceful since then. i guess it’s the shock. knowing myself i’ll get through another phases i’ll later document here LOL. but right now i’m numb. i obviously think about him a lot. it’s hard to be out in the street because every car i see is either Red (like his) or it’s a Renault Logan (like his)… and it’s amazing how many cars out there can pass by in the same minute that remind me of him

Anyway, last night we talked. again. he sorta invited me out. i said no, and once and for all i kinda ended it. i asked him if he wanted me to fight for him. to make him fall in love with me again. he said i would probably succed but he wasn’t sure it wasn’t what he needed/wanted. so i told him i needed space. not like he’s hurting me right now, i’ve been good being the “friend” but i’m sure that as soon as i get over to a new Phase, i’ll be hurt a lot.

so i blocked him out of my msn messenger, facebook, twitter, everywhere! because i really don’t want to know about him. not because i don’t care, but because i’m sure that as soon as i find out he’s doing so good without me i’m gonna suffer. a lot.

so i don’t know when am i gonna move to another phase of this breakup. i’m surprised with myself of how good i’m doing. maybe it’s because i was already depressed before he left me, so i’m doing good. or maybe it’s just experience showing off. i don’t know.

so that’s all i have to say. i’ll miss him. i still think he’s the one for me. but all this problem shows i’m not the one for him. he still needs a lot to learn about himself. i feared this from the begining but i quickly forgot because i was so in love and enjoying the perfect-ness of it all. but yeah, i know. he needs to move from his parents house. he needs to live alone for a loooong time. he needs to know that. maybe he needs more relationships, fuck more girls, i don’t know, he needs to live more, to be ready to share his life with someone else. i think he’s very close to it, he seemed so ready, maybe he is! maybe i’m not just the right one!

anyway. lesson learned: … you can find the perfect guy in a wrong timing. still when you think is the best timing, my bad mood (in general, my mood changes) can prove him wrong. I’m not meant to be with someone else. and, the most amazing lesson is: …           <write lesson here as soon as i feel something>

over andn out

spread your wings and fly

find a better place to stay

not just to feed your need

but to reconcile with the past and the future

 

i’m numb

the antidepressants are doing it’s thing keeping me numb and stupid right now.

i’m not really sad. i feel nothing at all. i should be sad. i should be broken.

and i’ll probably be sooner than later. but right now i’m numb

 

he’s upset with me and i am with him

something really stupid happened and because of it we haven’t talked and looks llike we’re not gonna talk.

but it’s not that stupid since it’s driven us to this.

 

i try to get to the bottom of this. looking for an explanation. is it simple pride? is it a deep scar in my heart? is it nothing just sabotaging myself?… why can’t i give in? why do i feel like i should fight for my position? like he’s the one that should give in?

what am i trying to prove? i really don’t know. i want my brain to focus but it only takes me to this numb white space where there’s nothing. i feel nothing. i guess it’s shock, while the fact settles in; he’s too perfect he reminds me of my father.

All high moral, all perfect respect to the world. and where do i stand? what am i? senseless bitch?

what did i say? what have i done wrong? why i was talking about how wonderful he is and next thing i know he’s hurting me with his perfection, scrubbing the bad in me in my nose?

oh no, this is me trying to blame him… then what is the true story?? i did something that wrong and that bad, he couldn’t just let it pass by because i was drunk?? and next morning so sober he couldn’t be nice??

that’s me blaming him again… i did wrong. i tried to kiss him passionatelly in public and he felt embarassed to the point he rather pushed me away. i did it because i was drunk. or i did it because i wasn’t thinking, but i never think!! i don’t think about stuff i just do and say as i feel! that’s who i am right?

but anyway. i did wrong. i got drunk on tuesday and lost control of my acts.

he just went angry on me.

this morning i was bad too. i didn’t apologize. i just kept on my point of view.

ok this is me doing the best to blame myself about all this. and let me tell ya, i don’t feel it.

And hell, if i don’t feel it, i’m probably right. it’s not my pride. it’s me defending myself.

so i’m upset at him. is his fault? maybe. it’s because his inner weakness. if i’ve been grown surrounded by sadness and lack of love, he’s been surrounded by high morals and doing what’s supposed to be good.

it’s his imperfection.

can i live with it? i can’t tell because, it’s hurting me, andi just can’t find the words to deal with it.

Then, this is finally my fault. if we’re over, it’s because i couldn’t deal with his defects, when he deals with mines all the time.

bingo. got to the bottom of it. i can’t get over this hurt, because i’m not that good to accept him just the way he is. so, what am i supposed to do?

die alone.

after all, i don’t deserve him.

maybe there’s a girl outside in this world that deserves him. someone pretty inside and outside that can give him beautiful babies and make him happy. always.

for me. i want to believe. but honestly, i’m back to where i started. i really should stay alone and die. soon.

 

I thank the gods, llife and destiny for the most wonderful 3 months i’ve lived. i felt alive, full of hope again. i’ve got a renewed hope in human race.

and just another slip to fall on my ass on the floor and realize, i should just watch this world, and stay outside, while i wait for the day to come.