so.

this is what my life has been up to the last week.

i met this guy. really nice guy. it felt reaaally good for a couple of days. felt like falling in love. it was good.

then. i don’t really know what happened. maybe was something about meeting his family and realizing his true lifestyle. he’s just a kiddo.

i’m a kid too. a terrible human being. but i don’t know. i can’t explain… maybe it’s just a lame reason i try hard to believe so i reject him.

on thrusday night he asks *the* question… and i start thinking, and that’s not good. because i realize that, i don’t want to be in medellin anymore, that i don’t want to have something with him for whatever lame reason. and then i see my life and i realize that i’ve been sabotaging my life, over and over again.

i’ve blogged about it before, but for the first time is really clear.

summary of my life:

1. i *believed* i had a terrible childhood (i’m not longer sure i had a terrible one, maybe after all, 6 months away have helped me to forget and forgive…) so i always dreamt that when i grew up i would go away far from them, and erase my parents off my life.

2. i grow up and i have my first chance to leave them and make my dreams come true; i go to university and get my first job. i can’t find the balls, because i’m enjoying stuying, and they are the ones paying for my study.

3. i finish my studies, and i get a better job. we have some family problems. i threaten to leave. they ask me to stay for some time. i do stay. and i start to sustain them. pay for everything. my depression gets worse, and i dream that the day they die or i stop living with them i’ll be better.

4. i get this job outside my city, so i’m not living with them anymore. 3 months of pure joy. then i fall in love and get my heart broken. i fall apart. depression gets even worst. i realize, they’ve never been the problem, or if they were they are not anymore, it’s all about me. i realize the only way out is dying because i’m so alone.

5. now. i meet a guy, he wants to be with me and give me all that i needed and wanted. i let him in, for a couple of days. then i start having this feeling that i want to leave medellin and go back to my city. i feel tired of the city, bored of the people and the things i loved at the begininig, and away from the guy. i see his defects all so quickly.

… so. the huge conclusion is: i just keep sabotaging myself. killing my chances to be happy. why? because i like to be miserable? because i don’t believe in happiness?

anyway, just wanted to talk about it.

besides that. i don’t want to go back to medellin

i miss every single thing i have in my room. every piece of crap. my cds, my dvds, my papers, my markers, my colors, my books, my nail polish ahahha. i miss my mess, and fixing it one bit at a time.

i just don’t know what to do

so i’ll just keep living, and i’ll try not to think that much.

over and out.