the death of me
June 30th, 2008 by 
maclau
so i used to be good. and i could see good in people.
i believed in my goodness beyond all the shit i had. beyond my foul mouth. beyond my weakness. i knew i was good i my soul. i knew i had good feelings. i knew i could be a good friend, and a good human being. i even thought in a specific moment in my life that i could be a good mother.
right now. i know i’m not good anymore.
there’s no good left in me.
i forgot what’s like to be in love. i forgot what’s like to have a friend. i forgot what’s like to care about someone else.
i don’t see anything good in me. i see what i was. but i never pictured what i’ve become. and i don’t see anything good ahead.
i used to be in control. of myself. i used to have plans. then i could at least have goals for my personal growth.
now i have nothing.
it takes such a huge effort to be good. to be good with people. to be nice. it’s so hard. it’s worst than getting up in the morning.
and i care less and less every day.
i used to show this hapiness. somehow i still do at work. because work is all i have left.
because it’s the only place i feel needed. i feel like i’m good at something. i feel respected.
and the funny thing it’s just superficial. and i am aware that *that* will be over, sooner than later. and then. i don’t know what i will do.
maybe i’ll be the traditional tabloids headline “suicide”. i can see the end of me; going insane after loosing my job. oh so classy and pathetic.
anyway.
it’s the death of me.
there’s a little tiny hope in me that there must be something wrong with my body and my brain. that if i go to a doctor i could get cured and maybe. just maybe go back, get something back of what i had.
but i’m too lazy and selfdestructive to go.
but i’ll make an effort. one last effort.
just to kill the last hope.
but besides that. you, invisible and inexistent reader, are witnessing the death of me.
Posted in Personal |
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July 7th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
You just need someone to care about you. Don’t give up and look for help. Like me, there must be lots of people wanting to help.
Please, look for professional help or talk to people with similar trouble. We, tech people, are thaught to think about solutions all time, so you must make an effort.
Everything in this life has a solution, except you know what.
Julio.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Personally i think that i am not the person to give solutions to you but i would say that you are a person, with good thigs and bad things but a person. Never forget it.
Everybody have times that we fell good or bad but everybody go out of bad moments with a tiny help.
dont lose the hope and wake up as today was the last day of your life.
kisss
p.d: sorry for my english level
August 24th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I’m writng a novel, well i just started, but the history is very related to what is written here. I want to know if i can put the first paragraph of this post, well really first three paragraphs of this as an epigraph, it practically encloses what my character is going through. kee p writing like this please
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I’ve been reading your blog and I can say you are a desperate person looking for something you don’t even know at all, you don’y know what love is, I mean everything sounds like the only thing you want the most is attention and everybody looking after you, and life is not like that!! If you don’t give you don’t receive, so I agree with u saying you push everybody away, and that’s logical, none could stand someone like you, not even your parents, exboyfriends or exlovers or whoever, if you don’t change too bad ’cause the world is not going to change for you.
Now you have a bf, how long do u think it’s gonna last? until u screw it and he’ll dump you, or u send him away just because! If you care 4 him u have to change, and suicide is the weakest way, only cowards commit it..so think about it and don’t take it personally!