so i used to be good. and i could see good in people.

i believed in my goodness beyond all the shit i had. beyond my foul mouth. beyond my weakness. i knew i was good i my soul. i knew i had good feelings. i knew i could be a good friend, and a good human being. i even thought in a specific moment in my life that i could be a good mother.

right now. i know i’m not good anymore.

there’s no good left in me.

i forgot what’s like to be in love. i forgot what’s like to have a friend. i forgot what’s like to care about someone else.

i don’t see anything good in me. i see what i was. but i never pictured what i’ve become. and i don’t see anything good ahead.

i used to be in control. of myself. i used to have plans. then i could at least have goals for my personal growth.

now i have nothing.

it takes such a huge effort to be good. to be good with people. to be nice. it’s so hard. it’s worst than getting up in the morning.

and i care less and less every day.

i used to show this hapiness. somehow i still do at work. because work is all i have left.

because it’s the only place i feel needed. i feel like i’m good at something. i feel respected.

and the funny thing it’s just superficial. and i am aware that *that* will be over, sooner than later. and then. i don’t know what i will do.

maybe i’ll be the traditional tabloids headline “suicide”. i can see the end of me; going insane after loosing my job. oh so classy and pathetic.

anyway.

it’s the death of me.

there’s a little tiny hope in me that there must be something wrong with my body and my brain. that if i go to a doctor i could get cured and maybe. just maybe go back, get something back of what i had.

but i’m too lazy and selfdestructive to go.

but i’ll make an effort. one last effort.

just to kill the last hope.

but besides that. you, invisible and inexistent reader, are witnessing the death of me.