so, my nephew was born yesterday. pretty healthy and pretty (my mother says, i haven’t met him)

i talked to them today. and i cried just listening. same way i cried at the wedding. is that i’m too sensible? i think it’s mostly because of admiration of the life i’ll never have, the things i’ll never live.

Don’t get me wrong, i’m happy for them. i just can’t help knowing that i’m never gonna live that. i won’t know what it’s like to have a wedding day, someone that loves me madly enough to wanting to spend a lifetime with me, have kids with me.

i would not know what’s like to have a baby. to feel it grow inside of me. to see his eyes for the first time. to claim it looks like his father.

loving family? never gonna happen. and it’s just for one simple reason; me.

I have this fictional wishes in my mind of a perfect man/woman. but the only thing that never matches in my dream it’s me. i’m the reason that’s never gonna be real. because no perfect man would stand me. no one would handle my moods. no one will know me well to know when to back off or when to come closer. no one will know what makes me happy and fight for it. no one can take my shit, my constant pushing away, the way i hurt others as bad as i hurt myself.

no one will want to save me. no one will understand why i hate this life and i want to die everyday.

unfortunatelly i have to admit for the first time in my life, that previous relationships, or whenever i’ve involved my heart has damaged me.

i’m the same flirting sexy bitch, but i just want to push people away.

looks like i’m gonna be lonely forever. full of burdens that wont let me go ahead and up in life.

and why am i bothering so much about it? maybe last time i got involved got hurt pretty badly, more than i wanted to admit.

i can’t commit to anything. maybe a relationship, but if i get bored of life, how can i not get bored of someone else?

i had a crisis this week. on thursday. i cried, even when everyone at my client congratulate me and my team for the work done, i felt sad, disappointed, depressed. maybe it was the stress, maybe just my depression. but i felt empty and sad.

i got the things done and i did it good. so why feel sad?. because it isn’t perfect. and i realized i involved my heart on that project. i’ve invested so much passion in that project, and i felt desserted when it’s not going the way i wanted to. to be the only one that commited. i mean, they all are, but it’s like they have other things, a real life maybe?

i don’t really know anything about life or myself right now.

ever since i came back from my last trip, i’ve been feeling lost. belonging to no where and no one.

there’s this guy. he’s not that bad. he had descent looks and he’s not stupid.. just immature. hes likes me. but i just don’t feel we click. so we go out and do things like go to a movie and talk and drink. but i just don’t feel we click. and i hate myself for that. he could be here with me right now watching a movie or having sex. either way, we could be having fun i wouldn’t feel lonely. but i can’t make myself feel something else for him. and i know better not to push it. least thing i would like to do is hurt him.

what can i do?

nothing, is the best, i think.

and i’ll write down the stupidest thing i could ever think, but it’s what’s sadly on my mind, and i’ll write it just to remember when i’m 45 and lonely: I’ll keep waiting for the perfect one.