Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly
I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

I’ve grown tired of love
You are the trouble with me
I watch you walk right by
I smile, you do not notice me
Treat me recklessly
All you do is toss me pennies out
But the silence in me is screaming
Won’t you come and get me?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

You make a mess of me here
I dance a thousand steps for you
And if you say yes to me
I’ll be whatever gets you through
You make a mess of me here (was I a fool?)
I dance a thousand steps for you (was I a fool?)
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?
Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?

i found his picture by accident.

i was already feeling bad because i’m so broke i don’t even have to get food.

the ants ate my breakfast. lol

sounds funny but it’s real.

found his picture and felt bad. like missing something. guess what? his lips. his eyes. the way he looked at me.

and i guess it’s all in my mind. i’m brokenhearted over an imaginary love. something never existed. or did it? anyway, it over. buried. and i’m left alone. broken and sad.

and here i am, wanting to be dead. because i wonder if it’s all in my mind. if i like misery? if i sabotage myself over and over again. if i like to be victim. if i like to be miserable.

i’ve been told that before. i see my parents and that’s how they act. they blame their misery on everyone else but themselves.

i’m just the same. and even knowing it, i have no strength to change it. i just want to die.

please God. give someone that diserves it another day and take away mines. do something useful with this space i’m wasting. this air i breath. the food i eat. the looks i get. if you want it take one by one painfully so i have great amount of suffering. or just take it so i wont be the star of the misery no more. but finish it. take my life. please.

soooo dear boys and girls

there are a couple of good news in this week.

first off, i bought my dear smartphone. finally: http://www.htc.com/www/product.aspx?id=568 it costed me quite some tears, anger and some money. but i got it here in my hands. i’ve been playing with it whenever i can. real life sucks for taking my time away-

next thing, battlestar galactica is finally here. the final season. the first episode of the end. it’s so sad to think is gonna be over so soon. but it’s amazing to know i’ve been part of this fandom, and it will be in my heart for ever. i’m still convinced to have my bsg-related tatoo. i’ll do it next month. i know i’ve been delaying it, but it’s not about being scared or not sure. first i got sick. then i had no money. then i spent it all in my cellphone. so. it’s gonna be next week.

in other news. i got into the gym again. i’m starting next monday, but i’ll be taking a free-entry day tomorrow.

i don’t know how i’m gonna do it. but i will. i have to. i’ve been getting fat, and for the first time in my life, it bothers me. i’ve never been slim , much less atlethic. but i felt ok with myself i guess (considering my low selfstem and my constant auto-hate). but all my clothes don’t fit anymore, and that royaly sucks. i refuse to uy new-bigger clothes. because i have no money to spare on that, and second… because i have to be back to my usual shape. it wasn’t a good one, but i was ok with it.

what else. love keeps kicking my invisible balls. i’m getting over the guy, but it’s been hard. harder than i thought. first because we had this AWESOME sex. awesome. and you know that always get me hitched. and second, i don’t really know. he’s a nice guy. he’s smart… maybe it’s just this thing about not being able to have him, or maybe it was just his pretty blue eyes.

whatever it is, oe day i’m good, even ignoring him without effort. next day all this questions pop in my mind, like what if i never said the things i said, what if i never started taking the pill, what if… what if…

i know that’s stupid, i can write the advise i coud give anyfriend in my shoes: he doesn’t deserve you girl, if he can’t/doesn’t want to stand you mood changes, if he’s so selfish/idiotic not to understand the homonal imbalance you got due to the pills and what that brought to you, if can’t understand/cope with your depression, then it’s never gonna be worth your love. you have so much to give and if he doesn’t want it, don’t waste your time giving that to him. I KNOW. and i’m trying to convince myself of that.

the hard thing is that i don’t know why, but all this just woken that stupid need to be with someone. to lean on someone. i count on someone. to give all that much i have. i don’t know why, i just hate it. i had this blissful peace… now it flew out the window and i can’t find the peace. not to tell that my hormones are still playing tricks on me, and i’m bleeding and my immune system very low (i’ve got this flu-headache on an off and on and on)

i know i have to go to a doctor… but i have to wait for the bleeding to stop… i hope i get the balls to do it.

right now i’m so broke. i had to send more money home, and my self present left me shitty broke, no money.

but i really don’t care. somthing will happen. i’ll get it with time. i just have to be patient.

that’s all, over and out.