ok. so

i’m back at bogota, right now i’m crying.

i’m feeling like shit.

coming back here is waking up. open the eyes to reality. and reality sucks.

i’m not an IT superstar. i’m not needed. i’m not important. i’m no one. no one cares about me. i’m just a piece of shit. i have no money. i have no talent. i’m worthless.

reality is, i can’t even help my family. reality is karma is gonna bite me in the add. hard.

reality is they are old. tired. more depressed than me, just they don’t accept it. they think they are fighting. but they are tired. we have no money. we have lots of debts. daily life is eating us.

i’m stupid. i’m poor and i lend money to a ‘friend’. she… just cares about her world and her problems. she was nice to me because i was new to the city. she didn’t want to use me but she did. she knew she couldn’t pay me what i lend her. still she accepted the money. i was just… blazed. if she asked me to jump i would say how high.

now she owes me and she has no money, neither do it. and i’m pissed. at myself for being so stupid. at her for caring so little about me, for being so irresponsible.

now debts are eating me slowly.

still i give huge tip at the restaurant, the taxi driver… everyone. who tips me?

met this guy. we talked. smoked together. then went and had a crazy night. just because. we kept talking. no real signals given any way. we had another night. and hell i let him in too close. and guess what. none of us want anything, or know what we want for that matter.

i’m so stupid. i kinda want things to keep going on in time. but at this moment, when i know i’m becoming this woman i hate, the one that gets mad, easily offended, easily hurt, feels sad and defenceless, feels the need to be loved and taken care of………….. i know i’m letting him too close and i want him to be….

but i hate myself for this. THIS is why i choose to be alone for the rest of my motherfraking life. i can’t be that woman. it would destroy me this time. no one is nice in the world. no one is sweet. no one will take care of me. no one. no one. i’m alone. i want to die. i will eventually kill myself. i will. i just need time.  i need to get stronger. find the balls to do it.

i hate this little person i am when i… f… i… l…. because i think i’m falling but i don’t want to admit it. i just need to push people away. that’s all

i’m in this crappy world. and i can’t let anyone near. this is my pathetic life. and it need to end.

i just want to die. i cannot keep going.

one week and i’ll be back to medellin… but if you ask me now. i no longer give a shit. i just want to die.