last night dream.

i was st medllin  i guess. because i lived alone… kinda, actually a shared apartment. and the guy from the bank was there,i mean i invited him to stay with me.

but he stayed on the phone fighting with some girl. but he was so pissed. all i know is that i kinda went around, slept, did things, came back and he was still arguing on the phone.

finally at some time he hung up and i offered him stay in my bed. we were getting in and… i woke up.

something else happened but i can’t clearly remember.

something online, like in facebook. like while the guy was on the phone i was on facebook. someone had an event and i contacted him to federate… like we were fans of something. i still can’t remember well.

real life conns:

* i had lunch with the guy of the bank recently, and he was arguing with his girlfriend on the phoone (and just that day i acknowledge he’s been 5 months with THAT girl… bastard like all men)¨

* i’ve been too much online but on LJ not facebook. but i’ve been thinking about making a community. still don’t know what about.

*while i was at medellin, this other guy stayed with me a couple of nights. interesting experience.

stupid me. stupid me.

i’m such an idiot. a huge asshole.

i’m so stupid.

anyway. i’m too old and too tired to fight.

i’m falling for this guy. as badly damaged as i am. maybe more. he said he doesn’t miss me much. he doesn’t lack of sleep because of “this”. he just enjoys the moment.

he doesn’t want to give it all to be left like shit. like he’s been before.

that’s cool. if i didn’t felt like falling for him. too bad for me. i’m not worth the try. why would i think so? because he’s worth the fight. is he? is he worth me hurting all over again. trying to archive what? him to love me? pfffffffffff it all would be a lie. he just doesn’t feel it. that’s the truth and i’ve learned through pain not to make people love me.

so. stupid me, all over again. my heart is broken, and i’m too tired to fight. there’s a little flame in me that wants to. because he’s a good guy. he’s nice. he’s cute. he’s handome. we have good sex. he’s smart. he’s funny.

and who the hell i am to think that i deserve anything like that?

lol at me.

i’m numb in the heart. too much pain. no strenght to fight. no will. i just want to die. stop from feeling.

dear dear blog.

DEAR DEAR DEAR DEAR LOVELY ADORABLE blog.

i can’t be happier.

last night i went to have a couple of beers (like 7 :P) with my friends; my boss, jacks and my best friend jaime. and him. the guy i’ve been don’t-know-what-we’ve-been-doing for a couple of weeks now. he’s here in  bogotá. and he was there with me. i was with him all the time…

at the end of the night it ws just him and me. and we talked. he did most of the talking actually he said so many good things. good to my soul, healing my heart.

gods help me i’m scared of what i’m feeling.

i dont’ want to rush anything. i don’t want to put names and tags on things. i just want to keep living this. i don’t want to scare him away. yet i’m scared of letting him close. all i want is freeze time in those moments last night when he made me feel so content, and i was drowning in his blue eyes.

i felt happy. truly happy. even right now, with a little hangover and lots of work. i’m still thinking of him and smiling like a fool.

my heart is full. and i owe him that, and he doesn’t know how much it means to me.

:D:D:D:D:D not enough emoticons to express myself. not enough words. i just want to see him again. touch him again. smell and taste him again…. i’m soooo lost by now… i’ll just let myself go.

Lately
I find myself out gazing at stars
hearing guitars
like someone in love

Sometimes the things I do astound me
mostly whenever you’re around me

Lately
I seem to walk as though I have wings
bump into things
like someone in love

Each time I look at you, I’m limp as a glove
and feeling like someone in love

ok. so

i’m back at bogota, right now i’m crying.

i’m feeling like shit.

coming back here is waking up. open the eyes to reality. and reality sucks.

i’m not an IT superstar. i’m not needed. i’m not important. i’m no one. no one cares about me. i’m just a piece of shit. i have no money. i have no talent. i’m worthless.

reality is, i can’t even help my family. reality is karma is gonna bite me in the add. hard.

reality is they are old. tired. more depressed than me, just they don’t accept it. they think they are fighting. but they are tired. we have no money. we have lots of debts. daily life is eating us.

i’m stupid. i’m poor and i lend money to a ‘friend’. she… just cares about her world and her problems. she was nice to me because i was new to the city. she didn’t want to use me but she did. she knew she couldn’t pay me what i lend her. still she accepted the money. i was just… blazed. if she asked me to jump i would say how high.

now she owes me and she has no money, neither do it. and i’m pissed. at myself for being so stupid. at her for caring so little about me, for being so irresponsible.

now debts are eating me slowly.

still i give huge tip at the restaurant, the taxi driver… everyone. who tips me?

met this guy. we talked. smoked together. then went and had a crazy night. just because. we kept talking. no real signals given any way. we had another night. and hell i let him in too close. and guess what. none of us want anything, or know what we want for that matter.

i’m so stupid. i kinda want things to keep going on in time. but at this moment, when i know i’m becoming this woman i hate, the one that gets mad, easily offended, easily hurt, feels sad and defenceless, feels the need to be loved and taken care of………….. i know i’m letting him too close and i want him to be….

but i hate myself for this. THIS is why i choose to be alone for the rest of my motherfraking life. i can’t be that woman. it would destroy me this time. no one is nice in the world. no one is sweet. no one will take care of me. no one. no one. i’m alone. i want to die. i will eventually kill myself. i will. i just need time.  i need to get stronger. find the balls to do it.

i hate this little person i am when i… f… i… l…. because i think i’m falling but i don’t want to admit it. i just need to push people away. that’s all

i’m in this crappy world. and i can’t let anyone near. this is my pathetic life. and it need to end.

i just want to die. i cannot keep going.

one week and i’ll be back to medellin… but if you ask me now. i no longer give a shit. i just want to die.

I just adore my company

all i know is it could be worst at least i’m back online yeahoooo