well

i’ve been thinking about this post since the beginning of december. i felt positive and relatively happier when i thought about this, right now i’m kinda down, so i guess it’s not gonna come up as i wanted but i’ll try.

i wanted to think about what’s been 2007 for me.

lots of things happened for me this year. i’ve travelled. i’ve met new people. i’ve broken up relationships. i’ve failed and i’ve succeded.

i think it’s healthy to lok back and feel good and bad about everything i’ve done, so this is my rundown.

1. Travel

i’ve traveled. a lot for me and for my plans (i’ve never wanted to travel). everything it’s been work-related. but i’ve enjoyed it a lot nonetheless.

i think the highlights are: the time at the plain (i love to fly :D), taking off, watching the things get smaller on earth, watch the mountains and the sea, everything so little, so many people.

the chance to open the eyes to the world. you never realize how much you’re missing until you’re out. it changes you, i know it sounds cliche, but indeed, even if it’s a short trip like mine, the fact that you’re watching other places, other people, other cultures, helps you realize how small you are, how little you know about humanity.

plans for next year? well it’s a fact that i’m travelling back to medellin in jan 8 to feb 8… to i’ll be tripping again, but as always, it’s not my #1 priority or plan. i’ll just keep leaving it to destiny, life or more exactly, my job, to decide if i’ll travel again or not. if i don’t, well, it’s ok. if i do, it’s just fine. i’ll enjoy it as it comes! (but as a matter of fact like i said, i already have a trip scheduled, so… i’m tripping already!)

2. Work

Well, as i was writing this, i got notified i won an award at my company. Personal Growth or something like that. i even cried. i was all emotional writing this, and now this news. wow. i’m shocked.

what i wanted to write is that this year i’ve worked hard. i had a change of orientation in my work, but it was a good one since it’s more aligned to what i’ve always liked. so i’ve been happy, learning, working hard, working extra time. working and working.

The award, well ‘compensates’ the bad feeling i had over the things that are not done right even when i fight so hard to get them right. i was kinda disappointed, but now i feel encouraged to keep working. i feel endebt to the company (i guess that’s what they do this things for somehow :P) but it’s good. i’ve been enjoying my job so far a lot, and i plan… no I’VE DECIDED i’ll have a renewed stand for the next year, and make it better than 2007, in what’s work related

3. Love

Well, the new about 2007 in this is the lack of it. well, lack of it always :p i just mean the fact that 2007 is the first year i’ve been all by myself. no boyfriend no girlfriend and i’ve survived. now i’m confortable with myself… ok that’s just a cliche phrase; the truth is hell yeah i’m still hte same depressing person that feel lonely, but i’ve been always like that, the new thing is that i’m no longer desperate to meet someone. off course i meet people online, and in real life, and hell yeah i flirt a lot, but i’m no longer in this desperate need to have a solid-formal relationship. i’ve just been enjoying myself, the time for me, money for me, and that’s been awesome.

i have to write because YEAH IT HAPPENED, and it’s i almost got married, at least in thoughts. i had a couple of online relationships, both serious to me. both important. one ended very bad. the other one… i still don’t know, i guess because a missunderstanding the flame faded, and anyway it was an impossible situation. it was wonderful while it lasted, and this person, M, he’s gonna be in my heart always. and maybe someday, i’ll meet him. maybe. meanwhile, i’ll think about him, i’ll have him in my heart, and as long as life let us, i’ll stay here to talk when he needs me. because i still and will always deeply care about him.

i’ve met a lot of guys and a couple of girls. i’ve made men sin (6) i’ve almost felt falling in love. i’ve felt saturated by some people. i’ve been a bitch. i’ve been stupid. i’ve done crazy things for love -or pursuing it-.

overall i feel good with myself. no regrets. and no big plans. i just want to stay like this; single and happy. if someone comes, fine. if it doesn’t, fine. i won’t go around looking for it, and i really hope it finds me, because i’m tired of always being the one chasing love, making people love me. i’m sick of it.

honestly i think this is the first ’single’ year of all the years left in my life. i don’t think i’ll ever be with someone else again.

4. Me, Family, Depresion

why put them together? because they go together.

i’m still in the same pile of shit. before starting to write this part, i got a nice little talk with father </ sarcasm>.

still same shit as always. still same torment. still same pain. still same feeling of worthless. still same unhappiness.

and today i realize what i’ve always known is true. even if i reach the sky, reach success… i’ll still feel depresed, i’ll still feel this emptyness, and this desire to die. what do i prefer? a happy family and be a loser, or this reality… can’t tell, because no matter what i’ll always feel a looser…

i’m so full of rage, and poison. i’m so full of nothing. i’m empty, broken. i’m such a piece of shit, i don’t even have reasons to be broken. it’s all in my head. i’m weak and damaged i just want to die.

i want to be saved. do i deserve to be saved? is there salvation for me?

what am i doing? what’s gonna happen after their death? will i be free? or will i be just left to rot? i believe i’ll rot. i’ll fall from this ‘high’. not even their death could make me feel better. nothing can fix this broken mind and soul.

there’s no salvation for me. when will i finally give up the fight? stop trying to live. stop trying to believe. close my eyes, close my lungs, stop my heart. die. end the  pain. this self hate. this tears.

i hate you. i hate the coldness of your eyes. i hate your lack of emotions. you’re stupid. you’re an asshole. i hate you. i hate when i look into your eyes and i see myself. what you’ve made of me. what i’ve let you do to me. what i’ve become. i lost this fight long ago. i tried. but i gave up. i let you dirty me. i let you pollute me with your shit. and now, when i look into a mirror and i see my eyes, i see you looking back at me. why you made me so weak? what is this thing inside of me that wants me to fght it? it doesn’t matter, it’s slowly dying. you’ve killed it. i see a monster, and maybe all i see is myself. my twisted brain. i’m the one who’s wrong. i hate myself. i’m sick and broken. and i want this to stop.