don’t treat me with respect. be harsh. trash me away.

things are peaceful in maclauland. but my mind is as fucked up as usual… or maybe getting worse.

i want to talk and reflect about stuff going on lately.

i’ve been having an unconfortable moment at work.
i’ve been working on a project for like 2 months now. in a bank. people there are harsh. they treat -us- suppliers like shit. we’re tech people and i know we’re not the kings in this human treatment stuff, but anyway, i’ve worked with other companies, and hell, definitelly the people at the financial area sucks.

anyway.obviously there’s one or 2 souls worth saving there, a couple of nice descent guys. the rest, they just make very clear that we’re the technology suppliers, that they pay, and per se, they think they have the right to treat you however they feel. and that’s not right. not for me anyway.

whatever. there’s this guy, the stakeholder of my project and for many reasons that i have already discussed to much to discuss here again, i have to deal with him. he’s older than me (mother-fucking-father-figure anyone?) and he’s just not nice.

but when he’s on a rage burst, i just sit there still and do nothing. i don’t fight back, even if it’s not fair. i just sit and take all the shit the man wants to throw at me. when he’s gone i explode with someone else. or certainly implode, resulting this burnout i’m feeling about my job lately.

so i complained at work and asked to be reassingned to another project. i’m lucky that my boss and the boss of my boss have me in high steem, they -for some strange reason- value me a lot, so they accepted and we’re working towards that.

they send ‘backups’ to the project, like it must have been done a long time ago, but anyway. this is when my mind play tricks on me, because, having other people there… i try to see if someone else agree that this guy treats me like shit, and then… nothing. they say, yeah he’s not the quality guy, but it’s like all this conflict is somehow in my mind???

so, i feel like utter shit. did i made this all up? i mean, the guy was hard on me, but was he actually the bastard i feel he is???

so reflecting on stuff, someday i realized that my reaction -or lack of it- in front of the guy, has somehow something to do with the relationship with my father. i mean, i’ve grown up used to eat all the shit, to be scolded and talked to in a hard way, and never been allowed to reply, to say anything back. just stay quiet, and if you don’t have anything smart to say you can’t say it…. the thing is that when you’re 8, 10, 13, 15 or even 18 you don’t have anything smart to say -or at least is what my father made me feel- so i never fought back.

so i realized that whenever i come to a confrontation with someone that somehow looks like that figure to me.. i just react the same. i just eat it all in, and do nothing. and that sucks big time.

but then the real question comes to show itself, did i made it all up in my mind? i mean, the father thing? did he really treated me that bad? or i’m just a sick motherfucker that couldn’t handle or understand it?

so hell, yeah. i’m sick. my mind is broken.

if anyone read this from a long time ago… well, you should be really aware of that already. there’s no news here. but it was still interesting to find it out.

you know what’s funny? it only happens with those ‘father-like figures’. with people my age, or closer to my age, i do react, and HARD. i’m quite a bitch. i fight, and when i do, i bite and scratch! i have my strong arguments and i stay in my place, and i make sure it’s clear i’m RIGHT…. how sick is that? i do just what he did to me. so this is quite a clear way to see, how evil passes through generation, and please Lords, don’t let me have children… i’m gonna be a terrible mother if you let me.

this is when the pushing away subject comes up.

i had an argument with a couple of friends. i think i already mention that before. i felt like i was there for them, and when i needed them they didn’t show much care or interest in me. so i was hurt, and since i’ve always been a big mouth i just told them how i felt. the best way or not, they just turned their back completelly to me and now they don’t talk to me.

my pride tells me, i still feel like i did some good things for them. i had nice cute details. and i don’t deserve to be just ignored.

i believe a true friend just don’t give up on friends. they talk through and get over with arguments and misunderstandings or whatever… but they just turned their back and kept living.

and it’s ok, i’ve done the same, but i’ll always be a little bit hurt by that.

but then, i think. am i pushing people away?

the hell i am! people should stay away from me! i’m sick and fucked up. people will be better without me in their lifes. besides, i’m easy to forget. or maybe not? i don’t know.
but when im alone i broke worse. i loose myself even worse. i fall into this deep dark hole, and if i’m alone there’s noone to holdon to, to pull me out. to keep me alive.

so what am i doing? is this another suicidal way to come to a closure in my life? just pushing the few people that have been close, away?

i don’t know. is it the right thing?

my ego tells me sometimes, most of the times, that classical line ‘if they love me, they should love me for what i am’ including this bitchy moments, including all my cussing and my bad words, my dirty mouth, my sarcasm, my deadly words. my sadness, my depression, my darkness.

but then rational side of me just states the absolute and heart-killing true, we’re all grown ups. Grown up people, don’t have time for this shit. Grown ups have enough problems just to deal with mine for free. Grown ups get tired of other people, because no one is in the mood or have any reason to stand other people’s shit.

Love? mmm … caring?… i think those are overrated anyway.

no one loves me. and even if they do, i cannot feel it. because i’m broken. and sick. and fucked up.

conclusion: just keep living, treating people in a professional way. be nice. be educated. don’t let them too close. don’t expect anything from any of them. you’re alone, and you’re better that way.

Congrats maclau, you’ve officially grown up.