Im so sad.

i’ve been used and lied to. I have this huge label on me ‘lie to me’

I have hard time trying to trust people, to believe them when they say they love me… when they say something good about me… why should i believe that, when they just lie. They do things that show otherwise.

i’m meant to be alone. I have this illness. i’m sick. I have depression. i’m not taking my medication because i know it won’t work. Nothing works anymore for me. The only thing that works for me is love, and that’s something i’m never gonna get.

I hurt the people i love. Because i’m sick. And there’s noone in this world that will stand it. Not even him.

He’s got so much problems. Issues that will remain. Issues i can’t overcome. I can’t. i’ve tried to be there, to help… but i’m never gonna be a number 1 for him. i’ll always be in 3 place or lower on the list.

That’s same for everyone else. I don’t blame him. He’s just human.

I guess i’m not woman enough for you, or anyone else in this world.

i’m just a little girl. Scared, hurt, defenseless, weak. So broken and so vulnerable.

I just need love. True love. unconditional love. Absolute obsesive love.

Love, noone is capable of giving.

Not even me, because when i don’t feel it back… my heart breaks and my brain helps me reduce this love to a little piece of feeling i can handle at will.

You are my number 1. i’ve done what i can. i’ve placed the possibilities of what i could do for you. i’m so tired. Of this life. I want to die. The only thing you want, you care and you value, i cannot give you, and it’s my physical presence there where you live, where you work and where your family is. Because happens that i cannot go to your country.

I cannot ask you to come here to live with me, because you already have family, i know you’re not leaving for nothing in the world. So i don’t even want to ask you that, it would be unfair of me.

So that, in any rational mind, leaves us with nothing. There’s nothing to do. We’re keeping each other company… that’s all.

I love you. I want to be with you. In all the meaning that sentence could have. But it’s not mutual. Not possible.

i’ve never been number 1 to anyone… never. And never will be.i’m so fucking unhappy. Why someone so unhappy has to live if i don’t want to?

I don’t enjoy life. I don’t enjoy my life. I am so alone. And so sad and so sick.

Nothing can help me. No one. Why do i have to live waiting for my death?

Why can i die with some dignity? Why do i have to keep living on the constant humilliation of this empty life?

Why can’t i kill myself?

i’m feeling closer to be able to do it.

For the first time, i’m feeling less fear to do it.

Just my parents stop me. I guess i care about them. Or my survival instinct takes them as an excuse to keep living. I think is number 2.

I don’t want to cause them problems. I no longer care if there’s a heaven or a hell, and if could go to hell for killing myself. But i don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt them.

If i die, i left them without support. No one to pay the bills.

Now that my brother has his own family… if i die, he wouldn’t take care of them.

They would get depressed. They would live miserably, or die, because of me. And i don’t want to die knowing that.

Have i forgave them already? Why do i care? I don’t think i care. It’s my survival instinct. It has to be. i’m not a… if i cared that would make me normal… i don’t think i’m normal.

i’m not.

i’m still tired of life. ‘caring’ about them, does not take away this pain and this need to end my existence. I still want to die, and soon. Really soon. Like… now? Heehhe

i’m gonna start to do things about it. I have the money. I will buy a gun.

And someday, i will put it in my mouth, and shot.

I promise, if after that i see something else, i will say ‘Nuts’

LOL.