Im so sad.

i’ve been used and lied to. I have this huge label on me ‘lie to me’

I have hard time trying to trust people, to believe them when they say they love me… when they say something good about me… why should i believe that, when they just lie. They do things that show otherwise.

 

i’m meant to be alone. I have this illness. i’m sick. I have depression. i’m not taking my medication because i know it won’t work. Nothing works anymore for me. The only thing that works for me is love, and that’s something i’m never gonna get.

 

I hurt the people i love. Because i’m sick. And there’s noone in this world that will stand it. Not even him.

He’s got so much problems. Issues that will remain. Issues i can’t overcome. I can’t. i’ve tried to be there, to help… but i’m never gonna be a number 1 for him. i’ll always be in 3 place or lower on the list.

 

That’s same for everyone else. I don’t blame him. He’s just human.

 

I guess i’m not woman enough for you, or anyone else in this world.

i’m just a little girl. Scared, hurt, defenseless, weak. So broken and so vulnerable.

I just need love. True love. unconditional love. Absolute obsesive love.

Love, noone is capable of giving.

Not even me, because when i don’t feel it back… my heart breaks and my brain helps me reduce this love to a little piece of feeling i can handle at will.

 

You are my number 1. i’ve done what i can. i’ve placed the possibilities of what i could do for you. i’m so tired. Of this life. I want to die. The only thing you want, you care and you value, i cannot give you, and it’s my physical presence there where you live, where you work and where your family is. Because happens that i cannot go to your country.

 

I cannot ask you to come here to live with me, because you already have family, i know you’re not leaving for nothing in the world. So i don’t even want to ask you that, it would be unfair of me.

 

So that, in any rational mind, leaves us with nothing. There’s nothing to do. We’re keeping each other company… that’s all.

 

I love you. I want to be with you. In all the meaning that sentence could have. But it’s not mutual. Not possible.

 

i’ve never been number 1 to anyone… never. And never will be.i’m so fucking unhappy. Why someone so unhappy has to live if i don’t want to?

I don’t enjoy life. I don’t enjoy my life. I am so alone. And so sad and so sick.

 

Nothing can help me. No one. Why do i have to live waiting for my death?

Why can i die with some dignity? Why do i have to keep living on the constant humilliation of this empty life?

 

Why can’t i kill myself?

i’m feeling closer to be able to do it.

For the first time, i’m feeling less fear to do it.

 

Just my parents stop me. I guess i care about them. Or my survival instinct takes them as an excuse to keep living. I think is number 2.

I don’t want to cause them problems. I no longer care if there’s a heaven or a hell, and if could go to hell for killing myself. But i don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt them.

If i die, i left them without support. No one to pay the bills.

 

Now that my brother has his own family… if i die, he wouldn’t take care of them.

They would get depressed. They would live miserably, or die, because of me. And i don’t want to die knowing that.

 

Have i forgave them already? Why do i care? I don’t think i care. It’s my survival instinct. It has to be. i’m not a… if i cared that would make me normal… i don’t think i’m normal.

i’m not.

i’m still tired of life. ‘caring’ about them, does not take away this pain and this need to end my existence. I still want to die, and soon. Really soon. Like… now? Heehhe

 

i’m gonna start to do things about it. I have the money. I will buy a gun.

And someday, i will put it in my mouth, and shot.

I promise, if after that i see something else, i will say ‘Nuts’

LOL.

This Never Happened Before - Paul McCartney
I’m very sure, this never happened to me before
I met you and now I’m sure
This never happened before

 

Now I see, this is the way it’s supposed to be
I met you and now I see
This is the way it should be

 

This is the way it should be, for lovers
They shouldn’t go it alone
It’s not so good when your on your own

 

So come to me, now we can be what we want to be
I love you and now I see
This is the way it should be
This is the way it should be

 

This is the way it should be, for lovers
They shouldn’t go it alone
It’s not so good when your on your own

 

I’m very sure, this never happened to me before
I met you and now I’m sure
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before

seen the lake house? i love that movie.

it makes me cry, it makes me smile, and sometimes it gives me hope.

it’s so hard to love at distance. because you get sad, you get mad and frustrated, and there’s not much you can do. you know that that special someone is in pain, is sad and you can’t do anything about it.

because love is something you can’t write. you can’t talk about. love goes beyond our perception, and sometimes, words aren’t enough to express it.
you try everyday to prove it, with actions, making this feeling grow with so many other feelings, like caring, and worrying… but it’s never enough… distance… is too heavy to bear sometimes.

i think love deserves it. even if it’s an illusion, even if ends tomorrow.

even if it’s just a movie, even if noone can ever love me as bad as i do love him… at my meaningless life, i’ll wait… will you wait for me? will i be strong enough? this will ever be real?

at this very moment, where i’m depressed at most, i wish you could be here, i wish we could understand each other more. i wish you could love me enough not to get mad at me, i wish we could take turns to cheer each other up… you always have the right words… i want to hear them now…i need them… i need you to care…. i need you so much.

everytime i try to get close to you, something gets in the way… is not fair…

it’s not fair