so.

everything is over now.

i’m alone. i want to rip my heart off my body, and stop this crazy thing called feelings. i know it’s all in my brain. i can take control of it. i can stop feeling. i want to go absolutelly and permanently numb.

i hurt people and people hurt me.
it was written a long time ago, by the life i inherited from my parents, that i am meant to be alone and die alone. i could make the terrible mistake to procrate and make this damnation go on for more years. but since i cannot take my life away, i won’t heir it. i won’t make it any longer.

i’m just this thing to be used by any other beings for sexual meaning. but never to procreate.

i will be happy and ok with the simple things i still can enjoy. but i give up love. i quit. no more for me.

even though my pathetic innerself dies for love, i have to quit. i have to stop wanting that. i have to stop pretending there’s something like that in the world.

so, for whatever is left of this life, i won’t feel anymore.

so. got myself a new digital camara… but right now, i’m having this guilty feeling, like i don’t deserve it. like i bought a  too expensive one… i don’t know, feel like shit.

 besides got an argument with my friend… but i do’t know, he just keeps reminding me why i’m alone, and is because i’m this piece of shit, that does not deserve a thing

what ever.

so.

i moved to a new place. a new apartment. with my parents. i’m still paying the bills.

My fiancee got sick, seriously, and i got really worried. but he’s fine now, and that’s great.

Shy boy going throough the divorce thing, i guess that consumes his whole being.

Monch, crazy as always, best friend as always.

Dani, he’s ok, moving foward the scholarship on Japan, i’m sure he’s gonna make it! he made a cat plushie for me and it’s amazing.

Stalker has been quite quiet… looks like he’s too busy to stalk lately

The rest of the world, seems to be ok. sorry i don’t mention them, but they don’t care about me neither and does not know a shit about what i’ve been through.

My heart is a mess like always, my brain is too. Ran out of medication, got stupid pms, too much work, no internet connection… the moving and the memories and all that shit piling up in my mind.

besides everything, i’m peachy.

same old same old.

many changes, but, as always, still insane.

Another sleepless night. It’s hard for her to define if it’s her conscience or her intoxicated body’s fault.She’s trying to sleep. All she wants right now. Sleep and more beer. That’s all she needs. She has lots of money and definitely no future.She lays in her bed trying to find a better picture of herself that the one reflected by the mirror in the ceiling.She’s starving. All she finds close is a chocolate Easter egg “or it helps me or it kills me” she says to herself bitterly. She eats it very slowly, afraid of her weak stomach could make her threw up all she still had in there.It helped. She’s feeling better but still sleepless. Yes another cold night, yet another day wasted, and her aching body is claiming for more. She needs help but she can’t help but run. She’s running through the long dark and solitary path of self destruction.Lonely, yet another lonely night.She’s alone and cold. She hasn’t been touched in years. Not really touched, because her past relationships have been more endless nights of nothing but dirty sex. Not really touched.She’s bored now. Thinking about how lonely she is. Remembering all those nights of non stop drinking and fucking makes her feel bored now.Hungry, bored, lonely, weak and sleepless.And she’s been like this since the noon. All the dirty fucking came to her mind again, and she’s got an idea.She stands up, her legs shaking, her whole body is shaking cause she’s weak and yet anxious.She jumps in some clean clothes and goes out her boring, dark and lone house to find some fun outside. In the cool night.