confusing
May 12th, 2007 by 
maclau
too many things going on. but i guess ‘too many’ is never too many. it’s not like i cannot handle them, i can.
basically is this flu that drains all my energy and here i am, saturday morning, i’m supposed to be packing and throwing away my stuff, but, i feel tired… so weak, to do all the heavy physical work. i think it has a little emotional work too, but i think i can face that one… it’s the physical that keeps me here.
the big question is, is it the flu, or is it the emotional bigger than i want to accept? doctors say depression can be felt physically too, this could be a convenient symptom of depression but, i think it’s just the flu… it’s that the truth or the medication working on my brain? i don’t know, but i really don’t care, even though i’ve written a whole pharagraph about it, i don’t care that much, i’m just rambling, because i feel the need to ramble… since i feel alone.
my fiancee, he’s a busy man, and we are so different… he’s not a ‘phone guy’ and i guess he’s not the kind of guy to sit at his computer for the whole day just to talk to me… he’s very active, he likes sports and moving constantly… i’m so the opposite… is that a bad thing? i don’t know.
experience has told me that when 2 people are too different can cause troubles… it think the problem is not thatwe’re different, but the problem is the way we handle it.
i think there are 2 ways to work this out.
1. we both agree to fairly give up our own likes and routines and embrace the other one way of living. it has to be done fairly, almost mathematical, like ‘today my way, tomorrow yours’ and so on.
2. we just keep living our lifes the way we do and we have always done, and accept it. this one has its advantages and it’s good things. btu has a huge big risk, and is that we could start feeling lonely or one of us could find someone by accident that is very much like who we are and … well, can make things complicated.
how to find a balance between those 2?? i rather like the first option, but the issue is that you’re not always in the mood to to do what the other one want… like right now, i feel sick and weak, the last thing i want to be doing is any physical work.
let’s imagine this scenario, i’m with someone very much like me; he also loves my favourite tv show, he works on something somwhow alike or related to what i work on, we feel same passions for music or any kind of artistic expression…
we could spend time sharing this same likes… what’s the ‘but’ on it?… we get bored on routine?? maybe??… we’re not growing with each other as much as you learn and grow with someone different….
i can’t tell… this is when i think ‘it’s just me… i can’t be happy’
fiancee when mad at me said something ‘you want to be miserable’…. and i guess he’s right. my brain play tricks on me, and i can’t just choose the easier path always… sometimes i’m so complicated, sometimes i’m so easy… i can’t define myself… and that’s a bad thing, because, how can i make sure someone loves me for what i am, if i’m not even sure myself what i am… it’s hard to find a constant in my life, but sadness and depression…. i’ve been happy though… i haven’t been depressed for long periods of time… but at the same time i wasn’t being myself at all and i hated myself for that.
so i guess that’s what i am, and changing undefined thing.
my father always talked to me about how hateful those kind of people were. and i’m just like that. i’ve founf a couple of humans that recognized that in me and told me honestly how much they hated it…. i can’t tell if i agree.
what is that i need? do i need to define myself? probably.
how’s people supposed to do that?… remember the runaway bride? is that what i need? to be alone and absolutelly alone realize what i am without the influence of other people and other situations? …. what if i don’t do that? will i get the chance to do it?
so, am i supposed to stop living until i find myself??…. that would be the appropiate thing to do, but what if it doesn’t work??
anyway, that’s all i have to ramble right now. but i have a lot to ramble hahaha i just have to go for now.
cya later!
Posted in Personal |
| 
No Comments » |