Y es entonces el instante en que los pensamientos siempre hirientes, comienzan a fluir por toda mi alma, y exploto, y destruyo, y lastimo… no hay cuidado… ya en el borde de este abismo de tristeza depende de un solo paso, o de ser empujado primero… y caer, caer, caer… ¿Cuándo dejara de girar la rueda que da rumbo a mi destino?

Siempre marionetas del juego impropio de otros… y caer, caer, caer… siempre oyendo las mentiras, verdades incompletos, y… quiero escapar, gritar, encontrar la verdad – mi verdad – encontrar las respuestas, no parar de escribir, perder el miedo a parar, solo deslizarme renglón tras renglón, descolgando a pulso libre mis letras… libre… pues es lo único que me queda, el poder escribir aquí lo que siento… no quiero detenerme… son minutos valiosos, cada latido de mi corazón, siento casi que es el ultimo, por eso no quiero detenerme, si lo hago ahora… no estoy segura de volver a tener el valor de tomar mi pluma y escribir…

Te siento cerca, ahora, en medio de mi dolor, siento tu presencia, siento la fuerza de tus creencias, en cada uno de mis latidos, lo único que me queda.

No estoy segura si quiero que leas esto, no lo sé, solo me basta con sentirte aquí, brillando, en medio de tu propia soledad, en medio de tu oscuridad, que aun así es más clara para mí.

Sigues estando allí para mi, y me dijiste que te abriera mi corazón, solo tú lo has logrado, así como me dejaste entrar en tu mundo, en la profundidad de tu mirada, de tus sentimientos, estás siempre llenando mis vacios, sí, eso es, eres mi faro, así como dices que mi sonrisa ilumina tu vida, y ya que solo tú conoces mi corazón, no podré yo confiar en otra persona…

Te siento cerca, siento la fuerza de tus creencias, déjame robar esa fuerza… quiero ser como tú, perder este miedo a la perdida, dejar de sentir miedo por el futuro, concretar ideas vagas, creer en algo, en alguien, sin miedo a que mi corazón deje de latir y yo no pueda decirte todo lo que siento por ti.

Eres mi fuerza, eres o que me mantiene viva, desde el día en que me estiraste tu mano y sonreíste, maravillosamente, solo para mí.

Serán tus palabras lo que me mantendrá viviendo, serán las últimas que escuche, tu sonrisa, la vid del alma, tu mirada, tu tierna sonrisa ¿Por qué no? Tu presencia, tu alma, todo lo que me has entregado ¿Qué será de ti, mi pobre amado, cuando yo muera? Solo la muerte podría evitar que te brindase lo que es tuyo; todo mí ser.

¿Recuerdas las lágrimas que derramamos juntos? Las alegrías compartidas, mi pobre amado, mi legado es mi recuerdo, el tuyo tu presencia inmortal, nuestro pobre amor, cuando al fin hayamos nuestra felicidad seremos tan tristemente separados.

En el grito de nuestras almas, todas las mañanas clamando un día mas, y sol, siempre estos días los dedicaste a mí, y me enseñaste tantas cosas tiernas, le dedicaste cada segundo a mi sonrisa… yo si te comprendí, cuando en mis brazos rompiste en llanto como un niño, te jure que no me dejaría vencer, y peleo con cada fuerza que me queda para vivir un día mas, sonreír un día mas, hablarte un momento más.

Mi pobre amor, el sol de mis días, ¿Fue acaso un mal encontrarnos? Perdóname, si lo hubiera sabido nunca te hubiera hecho daño, hubiera continuado con mi sequedad, no te hubiera dado esperanzas, no te hubiera jurado ayuda, no te hubiera prometido el resto de la vida juntos.

Perdóname mi pobre amado, no merezco tu sonrisa… ¿Por qué, si fuimos tan apasionados y felices, ahora tenemos que ser separados? Si fuimos tan agradecidos a la vida por todos los momentos juntos, perdóname mi sol, sigue siendo mi culpa…

¡Oh corazón! Ahora júrame como me juraste amor, no te destruirás luego de mi partida… Es tan duro, no sé si podremos olvidar, si podre dejar de ser yo tu razón para vivir y tu mi sol, mi faro, mi fuerza, tu luz, ¡oh mi pobre amor! perdóname, y que me perdone el destino por tratar de ser tu razón  para vivir…

Solo, lo diré de nuevo, y sonreiré, y llorare, y tú me arrullaras como a una niña y me darás tu paz, la seguridad de tus abrazos, que son más fuertes que el abrazo de la muerte…

¿Cuál crees que es la estación más bella de todas? Siempre me gusto el otoño, colores ocre; café, amarillo, dorado y bronce.

Las personas dicen que las hojas caen al suelo, pero yo no lo creo, creo que descansan, descienden de los árboles y se dejan acariciar por el viento, reemplazan a la lluvia y nos seducen con el crujir particular al pisarlas en el suelo.

Los arboles desnudos claman a las nubes un vestido nuevo de nieve, se despojan de sus vestiduras oscuras cubriendo el piso con ellas.

Pero no es una estación triste, porque alegra no es días soleados y aves cantando, para mí la alegría es ver cómo se siente en el aire los cantos suplicantes de los arboles al cielo, que a pesar de empezar a nublarse dejan pasar rayos del sol a la tierra.

Comienzan épocas de frio y ahí más que nunca sientes que no estás solo.

Solo pasamos juntos uno o dos otoños, y nunca me gusto más pisar las hojas secas en los parques, en las noches frías estábamos juntos dándonos calor…

hey everyone,

i’m moving to a new house! any advise? for the packing and the moving process???

any help is greatly appreciated! just leave a comment here or e-mail me!

 Thanks!

 ————————————————–

Hola a todos!

estoy de trasteo!  algun consejo? sobre la empacada y el trasteo?

cualquier ayuda se aprecia!!!

gracias! nos vemos!

sexy?
Originally uploaded by maclau.

so, i changed my hairdo, i felt sexy, i felt goofy, so i took these photos with my webcam… and looks like they ended up good!
Enjoy!

the other day i had a realization. don’t call me stupid for noticing that so lately… ok yeah call me stupid.

i realiced my problem with love is, that basically i ask for someone to love me the way i was taught that i should love God.

I mean. I think love is many many things, and one of those basical things is sacrifice. i mean, i think love someone is to be ready to do whatever it takes for that person, even give your life for that someone. and of course, sweet love is getting the same attention back.

but i find most men -or human being- find this so stupid. someone told me is ‘obsessive’.
Then i came and realized, the god they taught me to love is the god that sacrificed his life for us bla bla bla, you know the rest.

the funny thing is, sometimes i think ‘didn’t have to do it, i don’t want your sacrifice’ so…. what does it all mean?

and the smartest conclusion i can get -and don’t blame me if it’s too lame- is that love is taught on kids, just the way you teach everything else. and basically, i never was taught that… ok i did, through my father’s experience with his own father, through my mother complete life as a mother, through religion… everything… i’ve been taught that love is sacrifice… and now i realice,,, that i’ve never been shown love as happiness…

so this kinda explains why my life is a mess.

is this progress??

My Plugoo says (10:47 AM):

too many things going on. but i guess ‘too many’ is never too many. it’s not like i cannot handle them, i can.

basically is this flu that drains all my energy and here i am, saturday morning, i’m supposed to be packing and throwing away my stuff, but, i feel tired… so weak, to do all the heavy physical work. i think it has a little emotional work too, but i think i can face that one… it’s the physical that keeps me here.

the big question is, is it the flu, or is it the emotional bigger than i want to accept? doctors say depression can be felt physically too, this could be a convenient symptom of depression but, i think it’s just the flu… it’s that the truth or the medication working on my brain? i don’t know, but i really don’t care, even though i’ve written a whole pharagraph about it, i don’t care that much, i’m just rambling, because i feel the need to ramble… since i feel alone.

my fiancee, he’s a busy man, and we are so different… he’s not a ‘phone guy’ and i guess he’s not the kind of guy to sit at his computer for the whole day just to talk to me… he’s very active, he likes sports and moving constantly… i’m so the opposite… is that a bad thing? i don’t know.

experience has told me that when 2 people are too different can cause troubles… it think the problem is not thatwe’re different, but the problem is the way we handle it.

i think there are 2 ways to work this out.
1. we both agree to fairly give up our own likes and routines and embrace the other one way of living. it has to be done fairly, almost mathematical, like ‘today my way, tomorrow yours’ and so on.
2. we just keep living our lifes the way we do and we have always done, and accept it. this one has its advantages and it’s good things. btu has a huge big risk, and is that we could start feeling lonely or one of us could find someone by accident that is very much like who we are and … well, can make things complicated.

how to find a balance between those 2?? i rather like the first option, but the issue is that you’re not always in the mood to to do what the other one want… like right now, i feel sick and weak, the last thing i want to be doing is any physical work.

let’s imagine this scenario, i’m with someone very much like me; he also loves my favourite tv show, he works on something somwhow alike or related to what i work on, we feel same passions for music or any kind of artistic expression…
we could spend time sharing this same likes… what’s the ‘but’ on it?… we get bored on routine?? maybe??… we’re not growing with each other as much as you learn and grow with someone different….

i can’t tell… this is when i think ‘it’s just me… i can’t be happy’
fiancee when mad at me said something ‘you want to be miserable’…. and i guess he’s right. my brain play tricks on me, and i can’t just choose the easier path always… sometimes i’m so complicated, sometimes i’m so easy… i can’t define myself… and that’s a bad thing, because, how can i make sure someone loves me for what i am, if i’m not even sure myself what i am… it’s hard to find a constant in my life, but sadness and depression…. i’ve been happy though… i haven’t been depressed for long periods of time… but at the same time i wasn’t being myself at all and i hated myself for that.

so i guess that’s what i am, and changing undefined thing.
my father always talked to me about how hateful those kind of people were. and i’m just like that. i’ve founf a couple of humans that recognized that in me and told me honestly how much they hated it…. i can’t tell if i agree.

what is that i need? do i need to define myself? probably.
how’s people supposed to do that?… remember the runaway bride? is that what i need? to be alone and absolutelly alone realize what i am without the influence of other people and other situations? …. what if i don’t do that? will i get the chance to do it?

so, am i supposed to stop living until i find myself??…. that would be the appropiate thing to do, but what if it doesn’t work??

anyway, that’s all i have to ramble right now. but i have a lot to ramble hahaha i just have to go for now.

cya later!

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They’re all I can see

I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?