so, like always, no one to talk to.

ok not really, there was a time when i had friends, but i guess friends are like wind, they go and disappear. and then we’re alone, always alone.

i have 2 things on my mind.

first, i need to blame this sadness in someone else. i had my parents to blame for what the did or didn’t do to me. i will always blame them because they left scars i will carry with me forever. but then there are things now of my life, that i’m the only one responsible for them.

i’m this sad little being my parents raised, and i haven’t found the strenght to change, to be something better, i think i never will. but anyway, it’s all my fault for all the sadness and madness in my life, so that’s when i want to kill myself… there’s nothing to change all this pathetic existence, but death.

it’s been a sad day today but at least i’ve been able to put in words a couple of things i’ve been feeling, so i’m proud of that, it doesn’t help a shit but at least i’m finding the words to explain why i am so sad.

and one of those big realizations is, i’m so sad about my so called friends. they have left me alone in this shit.

first, when i told everyone i was getting married, no one felt happy for me, everyone and their stupid opinions and comments, like i’m making a mistake, i’m crazy, i’m not thinking well, it’s the worst thing i can do, i’m not doing it for love, etc. etc., not a single word of congratulations… no one felt happy for me. and that’s sad. because, first, i’ve never asked for their suggestions or advises, i’ve already made a decision, i was just letting them know, sharing my happiness with my so called friend, and all i got is shit all over my face from them.

i have no family and they know they are my family, obviosly they have never understand it…. so there are the ones that say that i should ignore them and what they say… do you really ignore easily what the people you love tells you?? because even when in this word is hard to believe and understand, my love my friends, they are my family.

so that’s just the beginning.
then, there’s the Iraq episode. my boyfriend was sent there for 2 months. he had a bad time there. thanks Goddess, he’s ok and back home, but during those 2 months, i think we lived a hell.
i think not even him understands what i went through, because he still doubts i love him and he’s everything to me… but yeah, i lived a hell.

and guess what? i was all alone. maybe because of the ignorance of the magnitude of what’s going on there. i cannot judge my friends for it because, the thing in iraq doesn’t affect directly on my country, so even when you’re hearing about it in the news everyday, it’s like you don’t care.
i know that because i was like that, i only started reading and understandin what was going on only when i had someone i care about there.

but even when i try not to judge them, i still feel sad, because no one took the interest or the time to understand what was going on. i was alone, and trying to be strong for him and for us, even when i’m not that kind of person, i’m not the typical strong woman that can handle all that shit, the woman everyone feel proud of… no i’m not that, i’m far from that, i’ve never been able to get over the scars i have in me, my inner demons, my own illness, nothing.

and i was alone. trying to stand strong and failing miserably many times.
so, there you go, again, my friends were gone.

i’m all alone. i’m not the kind of person that is proud if being alone and feels strong getting over all the life shit, and raising their heads and their egos “i’m better than all the human race because i’m alone and i survived!!!!!!!”… no i’m not like that.

i’m not proud of being alone. i wish i had a family. or someone always there for me. because i need it. because i’m weak.
i’m not proud of being abandoned. i would be proud if would be surrounded of people that loves me, because that would mean, that i’m not that worthless, because i would mean i’m good person, that can be loved and trusted.

so anyway.
boyfriend’s back to safe home. he’s ok and that’s all i care… or i should care.
but then again my human weakness appears and i freak out when i spent 2 days with flu and not knowing about him…. since he’s the only thing that i have left….

and so i loose control and tonight we had an argument. i almost lost the only thing i want in my life…

and i still can’t wake up from this uncertainty that covers me, this blurry vision of an uncertain future…