i’ve always been kinda lucky.

if you watch it from a distant, abjective point of view.
On school and university, i was very lucky, never got into too much trouble. Many time i skipped classes and nothing happened. You know the feeling when you didin’t do your homework and that day the professor never asks for it? well, i had that a lot.

I’ve been working since young, and i still managed to have good grades.
I’ve been a broken hearted, but i’ve managed to be loved. I’ve been loved i know that.

I’ve never been stolen, or attacked.
I easily and without a degree i got a good job.

I even travelled to brazil for free!!

I have a laptop, a palm and a pocket pc. Damn i even have and Ipod. –> translate to everything i ever wanted.

I’m valued at my work (not that much, i mean, i’ve been lucky, not perfect!).

I’ve met good exceptional people. I’ve been part of something, for short, little but sweet times.

Now, i’ve met a sweet prince. The perfect guy. The one i always asked for. Healthy, hard worker, mature, willing to marry me, willing to have children with me, willing to give a lot for me, willing to sustain my parents and me, loving, sexy, cute, sweet guy.

Foreigner. Wow, he’s just perfect.

So yeah, you can tell i’m lucky.

The thing is. I’ve never been happy. Right now i feel unhappy. Unhappy because this perfect guy is not by my side. Because i’m throwing everything away for him, and i no longer have motivation to go to work and work hard and good, because i’m leaving all this anyway…

I’m unhappy because i’ve never had the parent i would have like to have.

But then the fears talk, and there a thought that it’s been stuck in my brain for a couple of weeks.

My parents don’t know anything about me getting married and leaving to another country.
But the other day, out of the blue, my father started talking about how he was going to get ready to leave the country. How he was going to go to the US.

ok. Getting a visa to the US is so not possible! It takes time, money and a lot of luck to get. They don’t even know english. They don’t have money to pay their debts, but he started so convinced to talk about leaving with my mother.

So i freaked out. Actually i felt happy inside because i was like ‘and you don’t know the surprise i have for you’. But then i freaked out. and this thought came to my mind; Everything that happens to me, all my  ‘luck’, it just not for me, it’s for them.

And then a have this sudden realization, that everything good that happen to my life, is intended to be not to make me happy, it’s to make them be ok. Is for THEIR good.

So if there’s a God out there. He’s just using me. He’s given me a job to have the money to pay for something in this house. He’s given me a husband to take my parents away from this country or whatever he wants me to do.

It’s all about them. It’s never been about me.

So how am i supposed to feel?
All this is a big coincidence??

Fuck coincidence, everything happens for a reason. What if the reason of my existence is not about me but someone else. To be more exact my parents. Those who have caused me so much pain inside. Those who have hurted me like hell. Those have stopped my lucky life to become a perfect one.

I’ve always felt like the day they die, it’s the day when i woud start living.
what if the day they die, all my lucky would go away? because there’s no anymore plans for me in this God’s Game?

So where does this leave me? I’ve always knew i’m such a piece of shit, but this totally confirm it.

I really don’t want to believe all this. I want to believe i’m allucinating, or i’ve just gone insane. But what if…

… gives me a need to say ’screw the gods’ and stop it all… a clean shot through my mouth, directly into my brain… it would end it all.

If there’s a God out there, and there a plan for me in this world, and this is the evil talking into my ear, telling me to blow my brains out, then please God help me.

Take this pain away. I’m weak. I’m not a good tool for your plans. Just use my brother ro someone else. and let me rest in peace. please. just let me have some rest. please.

you cruel god. bigger thing with so much power. use your mercy. take me out of this pain. i’m begging you.