so, why does everyone gets so surprised?
i’ve been writing my cries for help in this place a long time ago. i’ve cried it. i’ve talked about it.
i’m so tired.
i feel i can’t go on.
failure after failure.

news flash: i had an argument with my Mr perfect guy.

it feels like we’re never getting married. he says yes, he all interested about it. but nothing concrete. yet he’s at an ugly place, and i’m the bitch of the story wanting him to worry about me when he’s worrying about his life every day.

whatever. so i’m a scum. no news about tha uh?

hey world. piece of shit here. what’s up?

i’ve been travelling between heaven and hell in seconds… i wonder if i’ve gone completelly insane, finally.

i’m so weak. i can’t take this rollercoaster anymore. i’ve gone insane. something inside my brain make a ‘pop’ noise and here i am.

actually no, i’m looking through writing to that blessed moment, where my brain pops and i just stop thinking feeling or anything… and it’s not coming yet.

how can i ask for someone to love me, if i cannot love myself?
how can i ask for someone to stand me, if i cannot do that myself?

how can i expect him to be perfect, if he doesn’t know me. he’s gonna run away from me.

today he said he got scared of me. way to go maclau, you’re such a bitch, scaring your loved one.
he’s gonna realize i suck so much, and he’s gonna leave me.

and then, that day, i’ll die.

Ill finally shot my brains out. as i know i have to. gotta start looking where to get a gun.

sleepy. i’ll try to sleep. bye

i’ve always been kinda lucky.

if you watch it from a distant, abjective point of view.
On school and university, i was very lucky, never got into too much trouble. Many time i skipped classes and nothing happened. You know the feeling when you didin’t do your homework and that day the professor never asks for it? well, i had that a lot.

I’ve been working since young, and i still managed to have good grades.
I’ve been a broken hearted, but i’ve managed to be loved. I’ve been loved i know that.

I’ve never been stolen, or attacked.
I easily and without a degree i got a good job.

I even travelled to brazil for free!!

I have a laptop, a palm and a pocket pc. Damn i even have and Ipod. –> translate to everything i ever wanted.

I’m valued at my work (not that much, i mean, i’ve been lucky, not perfect!).

I’ve met good exceptional people. I’ve been part of something, for short, little but sweet times.

Now, i’ve met a sweet prince. The perfect guy. The one i always asked for. Healthy, hard worker, mature, willing to marry me, willing to have children with me, willing to give a lot for me, willing to sustain my parents and me, loving, sexy, cute, sweet guy.

Foreigner. Wow, he’s just perfect.

So yeah, you can tell i’m lucky.

The thing is. I’ve never been happy. Right now i feel unhappy. Unhappy because this perfect guy is not by my side. Because i’m throwing everything away for him, and i no longer have motivation to go to work and work hard and good, because i’m leaving all this anyway…

I’m unhappy because i’ve never had the parent i would have like to have.

But then the fears talk, and there a thought that it’s been stuck in my brain for a couple of weeks.

My parents don’t know anything about me getting married and leaving to another country.
But the other day, out of the blue, my father started talking about how he was going to get ready to leave the country. How he was going to go to the US.

ok. Getting a visa to the US is so not possible! It takes time, money and a lot of luck to get. They don’t even know english. They don’t have money to pay their debts, but he started so convinced to talk about leaving with my mother.

So i freaked out. Actually i felt happy inside because i was like ‘and you don’t know the surprise i have for you’. But then i freaked out. and this thought came to my mind; Everything that happens to me, all my  ‘luck’, it just not for me, it’s for them.

And then a have this sudden realization, that everything good that happen to my life, is intended to be not to make me happy, it’s to make them be ok. Is for THEIR good.

So if there’s a God out there. He’s just using me. He’s given me a job to have the money to pay for something in this house. He’s given me a husband to take my parents away from this country or whatever he wants me to do.

It’s all about them. It’s never been about me.

So how am i supposed to feel?
All this is a big coincidence??

Fuck coincidence, everything happens for a reason. What if the reason of my existence is not about me but someone else. To be more exact my parents. Those who have caused me so much pain inside. Those who have hurted me like hell. Those have stopped my lucky life to become a perfect one.

I’ve always felt like the day they die, it’s the day when i woud start living.
what if the day they die, all my lucky would go away? because there’s no anymore plans for me in this God’s Game?

So where does this leave me? I’ve always knew i’m such a piece of shit, but this totally confirm it.

I really don’t want to believe all this. I want to believe i’m allucinating, or i’ve just gone insane. But what if…

… gives me a need to say ’screw the gods’ and stop it all… a clean shot through my mouth, directly into my brain… it would end it all.

If there’s a God out there, and there a plan for me in this world, and this is the evil talking into my ear, telling me to blow my brains out, then please God help me.

Take this pain away. I’m weak. I’m not a good tool for your plans. Just use my brother ro someone else. and let me rest in peace. please. just let me have some rest. please.

you cruel god. bigger thing with so much power. use your mercy. take me out of this pain. i’m begging you.

Dear dear diary…i mean, blog.

Today i got insulted by a sales person. Can anything be lower than that?

Yeah, that a chicken spits me.

So, i’m at home after work. tired, having a relax time.
Then this sales person calls me. With the usual talk shit “you’ve been selected…” bla bla bla “we have sponsorship from Visa, Mastercard…” bla bla bla (this is when i curse my credit cards for giving my information!)

And then he starts asking the personal questions, and it goes something like this:

GUY: So tell me, what do you do for a living?
ME: Sorry, i’m not interested
GUY: How can you say you’re not interested if i haven’t told you what i’m offering.
ME: Well, i’m not interested in anything you have to offer at all.
GUY: Well sorry, it must have been a mistake, because you were referenced as someone with a basic cultural level :::: hangs up ::::

So… WHAT THE FUCK???????

The guy calls me to disturb my peace after work, and i get insulted!!!!!

Hate you asshole!!

So finally.

Got the guts and the inspiration to do it, and i did it!! i’m on youtube! (like half of the world already is!)

Go and comment and give me 5 stars!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KknPquXGsfA

thoughts:

• This is all happening for my parents. Not because i deserve it. Not to make me happy. But to make *them* happy, or archive their goals. Reason: they believe in God, and trust him, and talk to him. I’m just a piece of trash in God’s eyes since i don’t talk to him anymore, and i don’t believe in all that anymore.
• R is desperate. He needs a wife and start having kids. It could be me or anyone else, i was the one at hand that’s all.
• I’m this moody because i haven’t been taken my pills on time.
• I want a higher doses of my medication. I phisically *need* something to ease my mind.
• I no longer enjoy my job. I no longer want to spend money, because there’s nothing i can buy with it that can make me happy.
• From time to time my brain is making this ‘pop’ inside and i stop feeling.
• I want to die.
• I feel my friends left me because i deserve it. I haven’t taken care of them.
• There’s no one that could help me get over this shit.
• I need to have patience to get over all this shit.
• I’m lost.