well, what’s new to tell

I’m in love with a guy. The thing is that he’s far away, and i haven’t seen him in like 4 years, and we already have so much plans to get married and have children.

So, how do i feel about it all.

One second, i’m filled with joy, at the proximity of making my dream come true; handsome mature guy, successful, willing to get married, loving me and wanting me badly, and seeing me as the mother of his child.

The other second i remember, hell… it’s been only words… he’s far away, and he has no plans to come until February… and that’s all. Words, plans, sexy dirty games and talk.

I can hold on to words, but my big mistake has been i let myself dream about it, i let myself believe it’s true, i even saw him coming in January, but hell, it was all in my imagination, he wasn’t even planning on coming!…

I hate hope. I hate Illusions. I fall to damn hard from them. I hate them, and still i let myself get all trapped into that.

and i just fell. And my heart hurts like hell. and it’s all because of me. I can’t handle this situation. I’m trying, but it hurts and depression takes over me, and a loose control.

So. He’s so damn perfect to be true. he’s sweet everytime we talk. he says he loves me, he wants me, he want my babies and all that. and when we talk i feel so high in heaven and so happy. But then he’s gone. and i try to hold him in my heart and in my mind as hard as i can, but my stupid brain vanish it all away. And here i am. Depressed, more than ever.

This stupid mood swings are killing me. I’ve never felt this vulnerable, this broken and then this absolute pleasure and joy.

I don’t know what to do. I try not to think about it, but let’s be honest. I’m thinking about him all stupid day.

And then i’m trapped. I can’t make any plans, because i’m holding on to something i don’t even know if it’s real. I’m starting to get bored of my job, is it all worth?… he’s worth so many things, i’d do anything for him, even this way of diying, taking me away slowly and painfully.

How long this will last?