so it burns inside and hurts like hell.

no way will take me home. all is shreaded. nothing is for real or for sure anymore.

this shit hurt, and it’s called emotions.

and when you finally thought you had something for sure, or at least you had something to hold on to in this life, it goes away.

and then again you’re left alone, left in the wind, no where to go.

that night at that tree it was doomed but we didn’t know.

we had no clue that we were spending our last hours together.
and ever since then i have regreted taking that time away from your wife and your kids, and stole it like so many things, like that kiss, like you life…

its a burden that goes with me wherever i go, even now, when the storm is over, when i earned a new life, it’s still with me.

sometimes i still wake up, with that bitter taste in my mouth of living and smiling, knowing that you’re no longer with your family, and enjoying your life and saving so many others lives… all because of me…

I think Jack knows, and he always wake me up touching my arms ever so tenderly, trying to wip away my pain… i look into his eyes, and there’s hope. there’s this calm, soft and sweet feeling, true pure love, beyond everything that can stand between us, he’s just loving this part of me that i bet it’s all the life you let in me, all the joy you gave me once, and all that brings me to life every morning…. looking for redemption…

What Jack doesn’t know, is that i still wake up in the night to watch him sleep, and fear fills me and makes me cold to death… i watch him breath so peacefully in and out. every breath cuts me into pieces of fear, scared of not watching his chest raise up and down anymore… he’s my doctor, my savior and my lover… just like you were, and i fear it would end up in a tragedy again.

Maybe, just maybe someday, i will be able to find the strenght to see what you and destiny want to show me with this… maybe, just maybe.

so.

this is what’s going on.

I met someone

you saw that coming don’t you?
at work, i met a guy, and really hot and cute one. he’s the ‘i’m cute, shy, a complete gentleman’ kind of guy.

did i mention he’s hot? the guy is SO HANDSOME. why is that you hot cute guys are so shy and geek and lovely?????? i have i complete weakness for shy-geek-cute guys. i don’t know it’s just a pattern…

ok, so, the guy. his name is Nicolas ((((((isn’t that a cute name!!!??)))))) he’s tall and has this extremely cute big dark eyes. perfect face. and so kissable.

but the guy, is so shy. he’s the shyest (if there’s sucha word) of the shy men i’ve met. he’s so reserved. he’s sucha gentleman. and the thing is that he likes me. i think.

i mean, the people that know him, noticed he’s doing things, he didn’t do before, like going out and being online a lot, and stuff.. and looks like it’s because of me.

so i loveeeee having the attention. (L) so i got his. and he makes me think some things. some sexual and pervert ones, and some…. more about kissing him…. and some others about him naked on bed with me… and some more about kissing.

so… what is that?…. why am i so drawn at him?… and what worries me most, am i not in love anymore with my boyfriend?

i do love him. i think. i do care for him. and hell, it’s like my husband…. then why am i getting this thoughts of someone else??

is that something wrong with me?? or i’m really falling out of love?? or what?

i can’t tell i feel love for the other guy. so the question is, so i feel love for my bf?

ok flash news interrumped this post…… some real time blog action….. guess who’s back! the canadian guy. and he’s still interested in me… he’e even talking about marriage
gosh, life and be complicated and now it’s worse!!! :S

ok.

so going back to the cute guy (who’s image in my head is now blurred by the money and good life the canadian guy is ready to give me anytime :S i know, such a matherialistic bitch) so the thing is:

why did i get with hugo to start with? yeah i liked him but also there was this feeling of power and satisfaction of getting to make my way, make him love me, and say things he won’t say otherwise.

so the thing is, that this guy makes me feel that, like i die to hear him say i love you, or express any kind of emotion, and that’s been like romance life ever.

so… where’s the love actually?…. is that love? i’ve never felt it? i think i’ve done… so is this love? am i in love with someone else?

why if it’s wrong, i want to keep having him around, and keep pulling to see where this takes me??…. everything is crazy. that’s all i have to say.

mm everything is perfect but…

read next post, by the way, it will be password protected, only available to a true stalker but i’m not sure you wanna read it
the password is the name i used in that dark blog where i only talked about sex

so i’ve been buusy, really busy

maclau became a lady and now she’s gotta job and she’s using her brain
and im happy. cuz now i DO earn enough money to buy my medication. so i’ve been doing great. taking my pills, helping at home. giving myself a good-modest life.

so. there’s nothing in special to write about. i just wanted to share last night’s dream:

i was in some kind of restaurant at a party. and then Marilyn Manson arrived, and i was so excited as if i was the greatest fan :p and the guy was great with me. so i was really happy. and then it all became so sexual. so i was doing the nookie with M.Manson and i was happy :S weird (( i mean i like the guy, i think he’s sexy somehow, love his music… but i would be rather happy with Jonathan Davies or someone like that )) anyway, then his girl-bodyguard told me he liked to drink his own cum un a glass after he came… i know it sounds gross, but i thought ok in my dream, and i watched him do it like 3 times… it’s so funny now that i come to think about it
so, i think it’s all result of my brain being all focused on work, and forgetting about having the old free time, to imagine… and fly