so.

it was a plan out of the blue. he just said, ‘let’s go to a motel’ and i was so scared but excited… soo cool!

i called a friend of mine to ask her for advise on where to go, because it was the first time for both of us.

we were nevous, so it was funny. but we get there, and once there, all that crap was gone, it felt so natural, that was wonderful.

we got ourselves a room, pretty cheap jacuzzy and stuff.

the place was clean, and almost elegant i have no complains, neither hugo does. we jumped straight to the jacuzzi, and it was sooo awesome!

then to bed and you know the rest.

i can tell, that after all the time with diego, hugo is sucha bad lover and i can’t tell how i felt, because we were so nervous and excited, so i can’t lie, it wasn’t all that love… it was more like longing, like needing the touch. i can’t tell if he was with another women the time we were apart, but, he did like it… i think.

it was more like feeling safe, and home and trusted and stuff. not real love, you know, i think i can’t feel that love just right now, after all the time apart, and after all i’ve been through.

i don’t know how he feels.
i know i feel atraction, i know i feel this belonging, and ilike him! so much. i like his face and his presence. i feel important, and i feel so proud of him, of being with him. i feel safe somehow.

and it’s so right to be with him, but i don’t want to stop to think what do i feel. i don’t wanna ask him.

i love him, i care. and i don’t know what’s gonna happen. i don’t know what does he want. i guess it’s gonna be about letting it flow and see what happens.

right now i have no fear about it. let’s happen whatever it’s meant to be. but i don’t wanna play games with anyone. i just wanna stay alone, maybe with him, but not like being with someone else, because some hope it’s inside me that things may gonna work. and i want it to work.

why? im not sure. all i know is that for some strange reason, i may know that he’s been with other women, i don’t care. i feel like i can ‘forget’ him about that, i can’t let it go, i can live with that. and somehow looks like he feels the same.

i’ve been thinking a lot about this thing about ‘letting the butterfly go, if it comes back it’s yours’ … are we coming back together? do we belong together? is it just the material things that join us? is it everyone else and the lonelyness? or is it truly us. purely, and just us.

right now a thought just came to my mind.
we proved ourselves we could live without each other.
correction: i proved i could live without him, and he maybe proved he couldn’t…. i don’t know

the thing is, that maybe, just maybe, after this time separated, it wasn’t so bad, maybe we’re ready to live together. to come back.

 a lovely night like a dream. not just the sex, but being in another world, together.

i really have to write this down, because i don’t wanna forget. i don’t care what might happen. i just have to write it.

last night like all my fantasies came true. i still see it as a dream. i can’t believe how it all came together.

i don’t know how it happened but it did. and it was so perfect. like a dream.

i see it in my mind, trying to remember, and i see it all clouded, i can’t really remember clearly, it was a pure dream.

we went there. it was clean and tidy. it was perfect.

so, it’s like, a dream with the perfect one in the perfect place.

more i will write on private post.

loves (L)