feeling like your touch.
in the darkness. while i wait for something to happen.

i was given the choice to do but not to feel. i’m in denial. am i the confused one? am i manipulating all thie surroundings? am i blaming everyone else for my mistakes and feelings and pains and fears?

did i do the wrong thing? did i meant it?
am i right? am i wrong? is this real? or just and illusion?

i feel. i’m great. i’m in a really good moment. i’m acting by my heart. the pain i caused is my doom. ‘i didn’t mean to’ doesn’t matter. but’s how i feel.
is it sinful to pick what’s best for me? is it sinful to act by feelings?

kiss. feel. hold.

in the adoration of the bodies there’s never a lie. you make me shiver. you make me sigh.

in the adoration of the souls there’s never been a lie. true love. does it mean to be for ever?

so.

my life it’s actually perfect right now.

my pc now has 2GB on RAM, so i can work smoothly.
i’ve got a new job on Thursday a really good one.
i’ve got a boyfriend again. Hugo and I are back together.

so let’s begin from the start.

my life sucked badly. i was already giving up. but then, something weird happen.
Dani got me a new job! i applied and i was accepted. it has a pretty good $$$$, so things looks great ahead.

Hugo helped me a lot to get ready for it. he helped me fixing my resume, and always fighting to keep my selfsteem up. to i went for it and i got it! now i gotta work my ass off to make Dani, hugo and myself really proud!

So i already told all my friends, and i quitted my job! that was cool. too sad but too great. it’s sad to leave my boss, and the only job that will ever fullfill me. i loved working there and doing what i did… it’s just… that i had no future there, no way to develope projects ad stuff like that. also the money factor. also the fact the noone cares about your job… but i loved it deeply. the cool thing is that i quitted and i didn’t felt that bad. i mean, i felt good doing it. like “i’m really getting better” like “the cycle is over” and stuff like that.

so i’m great about it. saying goodbyes and leaving during this week.

then on friday we had plans with hugo to have real fun to celebrate, but made a terrible mistake: i went drinking with J and D…. couple of ex-bf. so, they really pissed me off. i had an aweful time.

anyway, when i saw hugo i felt really down. and he at first was kinda sucky, so i was ready to throw it all to the shitty hell… but then he did what he had to do. he faced his fears and he asked me the tiny-big question. and off course, i said yes.

so, we are a couple again, with a promise to have a great time together. working on something new. it’s weird because we already know eachother, and we’ve been through a lot together… so i hope this second chance give us the time to make things better (L)

so right now, life’s perfect. i have reasons to stay alive and to work to be good! i have reasons to wake up every day. i have a chance to get my brain to work again and be back myself.

so i’m gonna work my ass off for it. i’m not letting it go.

natha…
i can’t believe it. but he finally broke my heart at all.
he told me to stop threatening with suicide that he’s not scared about it

how could i ever care and love so much someone that gives so little for my life?

goodbye dak, i won’t bug you anymore.

her music is so, so, SO, sad.

i want to shot myself or something.

today lifes makes no sence. like i’m screwed and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. nothing to fight for. nothing to live for. no strenght, no anything.

wanting to die is the constant. but i’m sucha chicken shit.

looks like i’m important to someone. he keep saying this nice things to make me feel important… but… is that enough? we all know it’s not.

it;s not about my depression or how pathetic i feel about myself, it that clearly actually there’s nothing left to do in this life. there’s no meaning at all. nothing to work for, nothing to live for.

no hopes, no dreams, nothing. just this empty space inside myself.

no brain, no heart, no soul

they would notice? if i go? if i leave? anyone would realize after i’m gone the so many times i cried for help here and got ignored?

i don’t think so. noone will notice. cuz noone is here. i’m all alone. and there’s nothing left to live.

well, this flu is going and going.
i think i will get better by next week.

life’s good right now. i got some money i’ve been careless spending. like helping my boyfriend finish his panini album of the FWC. oopps did i just say boyfriend? ok, let’s say he’s not my boyfriend. he’s kinda my lover and somehow someone so important for me… but boyfriend… not just yet. he still needs something i don’t know what it is to feel secure and safe to say the magical words.

but we’re doing fine. we had an argument, but it was a little one. he’s still open to me, he shares his feelings even when i broke his heart once. so do i. so we fix this little things quickly.

we’ve been having a sweet time together.

also i’ve been spending quality time with my friend Li, she’s unemployed, swinging from okness to depression so we have some stuff in common!

my brain is soo slow right now. gotta stuff to do for my father’s projects, but i’m so tired. i don’t wanna do it. but i guess i have to :S so i will try to feel better to do it.

that’s all about now. any stuff, i will write later.

so. like loving two people, LOL

that’s so weird, but i so care about both. don’t know what;s gonna happen.

all i know is that i have the fucking flue. and you know how i get when that happens.

so over and out.

so.

it was a plan out of the blue. he just said, ‘let’s go to a motel’ and i was so scared but excited… soo cool!

i called a friend of mine to ask her for advise on where to go, because it was the first time for both of us.

we were nevous, so it was funny. but we get there, and once there, all that crap was gone, it felt so natural, that was wonderful.

we got ourselves a room, pretty cheap jacuzzy and stuff.

the place was clean, and almost elegant i have no complains, neither hugo does. we jumped straight to the jacuzzi, and it was sooo awesome!

then to bed and you know the rest.

i can tell, that after all the time with diego, hugo is sucha bad lover and i can’t tell how i felt, because we were so nervous and excited, so i can’t lie, it wasn’t all that love… it was more like longing, like needing the touch. i can’t tell if he was with another women the time we were apart, but, he did like it… i think.

it was more like feeling safe, and home and trusted and stuff. not real love, you know, i think i can’t feel that love just right now, after all the time apart, and after all i’ve been through.

i don’t know how he feels.
i know i feel atraction, i know i feel this belonging, and ilike him! so much. i like his face and his presence. i feel important, and i feel so proud of him, of being with him. i feel safe somehow.

and it’s so right to be with him, but i don’t want to stop to think what do i feel. i don’t wanna ask him.

i love him, i care. and i don’t know what’s gonna happen. i don’t know what does he want. i guess it’s gonna be about letting it flow and see what happens.

right now i have no fear about it. let’s happen whatever it’s meant to be. but i don’t wanna play games with anyone. i just wanna stay alone, maybe with him, but not like being with someone else, because some hope it’s inside me that things may gonna work. and i want it to work.

why? im not sure. all i know is that for some strange reason, i may know that he’s been with other women, i don’t care. i feel like i can ‘forget’ him about that, i can’t let it go, i can live with that. and somehow looks like he feels the same.

i’ve been thinking a lot about this thing about ‘letting the butterfly go, if it comes back it’s yours’ … are we coming back together? do we belong together? is it just the material things that join us? is it everyone else and the lonelyness? or is it truly us. purely, and just us.

right now a thought just came to my mind.
we proved ourselves we could live without each other.
correction: i proved i could live without him, and he maybe proved he couldn’t…. i don’t know

the thing is, that maybe, just maybe, after this time separated, it wasn’t so bad, maybe we’re ready to live together. to come back.

 a lovely night like a dream. not just the sex, but being in another world, together.

i really have to write this down, because i don’t wanna forget. i don’t care what might happen. i just have to write it.

last night like all my fantasies came true. i still see it as a dream. i can’t believe how it all came together.

i don’t know how it happened but it did. and it was so perfect. like a dream.

i see it in my mind, trying to remember, and i see it all clouded, i can’t really remember clearly, it was a pure dream.

we went there. it was clean and tidy. it was perfect.

so, it’s like, a dream with the perfect one in the perfect place.

more i will write on private post.

loves (L)

last night i found out my blog all messed up.

hacked. erased. all my life gone.

and no recent back up.

almost died.

but thanks hosting it’s back again.

so it’s never happening again, the back up thing.

(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)

love my blog, and today’s message is: BACK UP YOUR FUCKING BLOG!