i think part of me died that day. when i got together with all the MS people, and then the guy that was my friend told me that he chose Jaime instead of me, because he had more money. that really hurt.
not just because the betrayal. but because loosing him was loosin not just a friend, but a cause. a reason to fight. a reason to stand and help people. a reason to do something so someone else.

that day i quitted the thing i was doing with communities. and some time later i tred joining again but my heart wasn’t on it anymore.

that’s why i’ve been a mess at my actual work with MS. it’s  not coming out so well, because my heart is not really on it.

and i just didn’t loose a friend. i lost all the reason to do what i was doing. i did it in a huge part for him. i was taking care of him, supporting him, covering for him. and then, all the reason feel upon me, and it all died.

but i do enjoy working for people, helping people and doing all that stuff. i do like it. but it’s like my heart was broken, and now i think it’s time to fix it, now and forever. no more weeping for this guy, who was just a ‘friend’, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. i have to loose the fear of failing and being hurt again. i have to let it go.

about my feelings. i think it’s time to accept that beaking up with hugo has affected me more that i thought.

i thought i was in control, because i was the one to end it all, and to be aware of what was going on. but actually part of me i was ignoring wasn’t that under controll. and now i find myself going out with a guy. a guy i care about. a kid actually. and i’m still not letting go. i’m always thinking and feeling things wrong. i’m somehow expecting him to be the 27 years old man, hugo was. and hell how unfair is that? he’s just a kid!

he’s so mature in some things. more than enyone i’ve ever known. and then he’s just a boy in so many others.
he’s just as inmature as hugo was in relationship stuff, and it’s ok, it’s normal!

and the way he sees the life, sometimes i understand him so much, and sometimes we’re so far away.
and i’ve been sucha bitch asking him to be a man, in charge and full of responsabilities… and it’s just unfair!! he’s supposed to be living other stuff. not bearing with all these problems.

so i have to let hugo go. i have to forget about pretending to mix his essence with someone’s elses. he’s gone. out of my life. and i have this pretty cute and smart and awesome kind and wacko boy i ust have to let him be who he is, and start just living with that. stop waiting for him to do or think or be someone he’s not.

i like him just the way he is. i have to stop trying to making him grow up all if the sudden to take care of me and marry or some fantasy shit like that he’s never going to be older than me you know, i really want to live this.

i have to let things go.