so. yesterday i was like ‘oh everything is gotta get better’ and today… i can’t really tell.

i broke up with my boyfriend. can’t tell how i feel about it.
i just, i couldn’t handle it. i really think i need to be alone, and think and get better. heal and arise. all that shit.

i think i keep hurting him and hurting myself. i think we crash and it hurts and he does deserve something better from me and for him.

i talked to hugo today. i was so curious, i really don’t know why i did it… he’s leaving to france. i heard hom doing good, but still a little hurt with me. like he is still hurt. i bet it’s normal. and i felt ok. not jealous. not hurt. i actually felt ok for him. i’m glad he’s gotta new plans and he’s now talking about ‘getting married in france’ which is cool! not for me, for him! i bet he learnt after all. and looks like breaking up with me was better for him. and i’m glad.

thoughts of his renewed life and perfect future shocked me, so i throw them away. i have to start living by my own and not under the shadow of anyone.

i’m not as smart as he is, i’m not as talented, and i’m definitelly not as lucky as he is. i’m not string like he is. but anyway. i have to keep living. and that’s all
i’m ok, still strong from yesterday. have a lot to think about, and i’m trying hard to keep n track, and not let myself fall into the abiss.

i think part of me died that day. when i got together with all the MS people, and then the guy that was my friend told me that he chose Jaime instead of me, because he had more money. that really hurt.
not just because the betrayal. but because loosing him was loosin not just a friend, but a cause. a reason to fight. a reason to stand and help people. a reason to do something so someone else.

that day i quitted the thing i was doing with communities. and some time later i tred joining again but my heart wasn’t on it anymore.

that’s why i’ve been a mess at my actual work with MS. it’s  not coming out so well, because my heart is not really on it.

and i just didn’t loose a friend. i lost all the reason to do what i was doing. i did it in a huge part for him. i was taking care of him, supporting him, covering for him. and then, all the reason feel upon me, and it all died.

but i do enjoy working for people, helping people and doing all that stuff. i do like it. but it’s like my heart was broken, and now i think it’s time to fix it, now and forever. no more weeping for this guy, who was just a ‘friend’, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. i have to loose the fear of failing and being hurt again. i have to let it go.

about my feelings. i think it’s time to accept that beaking up with hugo has affected me more that i thought.

i thought i was in control, because i was the one to end it all, and to be aware of what was going on. but actually part of me i was ignoring wasn’t that under controll. and now i find myself going out with a guy. a guy i care about. a kid actually. and i’m still not letting go. i’m always thinking and feeling things wrong. i’m somehow expecting him to be the 27 years old man, hugo was. and hell how unfair is that? he’s just a kid!

he’s so mature in some things. more than enyone i’ve ever known. and then he’s just a boy in so many others.
he’s just as inmature as hugo was in relationship stuff, and it’s ok, it’s normal!

and the way he sees the life, sometimes i understand him so much, and sometimes we’re so far away.
and i’ve been sucha bitch asking him to be a man, in charge and full of responsabilities… and it’s just unfair!! he’s supposed to be living other stuff. not bearing with all these problems.

so i have to let hugo go. i have to forget about pretending to mix his essence with someone’s elses. he’s gone. out of my life. and i have this pretty cute and smart and awesome kind and wacko boy i ust have to let him be who he is, and start just living with that. stop waiting for him to do or think or be someone he’s not.

i like him just the way he is. i have to stop trying to making him grow up all if the sudden to take care of me and marry or some fantasy shit like that he’s never going to be older than me you know, i really want to live this.

i have to let things go.

it’s confusing. when did i stop thinking? i unplugged my brain and stopped listening. am i really giving myself another chance?

i have like this second of illumination. am i looking ahead or just behind me? will i get the strenght to go on? to stay concious? to stay rational?

it’s myself the one that’s pushing me down. i keep helding back.
i was a good person. i had a good heart. i had good feeling. i wasn’t this histerical woman. i’ve never been strong, but i talked to myself. i was connected to my brain and my heart. when did i pull the plug?

i am fighting a kid, but i’m only being a kid myself. where’s the grown woman i am supposed to be? where’s *that* woman? the one i knew, the one i created, the one somehow strong but weak, so human and so not normal, so special, unique and loved… but of over all, full of love. where are you?

did i kill you by forgetting you? i was sorta artistic, i had a soul. now i feel kinda death. but i’m still alive. breathing. where do i get the strenght? what was my strenght?

was it god? was it the ‘having to do something’ and not living by myself? when i was finally growing up, i suddenly died. it’s like something disappeard in me. what was that?

i just. i can’t remember when it happened. i was with hugo, and i guess i was fine. i was still smart and i could see inside myself. and i was most of time right, you know, that’s something people around me always felt, like i was smart and i knew about things. but now. i feel so empty and lower.

what killed my brain? if i left god behind like 6 years ago or more. then what is it? it can’t be *that* religious crap. i mean, it should have been a long time ago,  but it’s kind of an old but new feeling. i’ve always been depressed, iv’e always had bad thoughts. but i feel like i recently died.

i’ve been living backwards, always. i know, but i want start living like it must be. it hasn’t been enough of anything. not enough work, not enough fun. but, can i have another chance? can i start from 0? can i start a new life, leaving the past finally behind. leaving all the pain and the nothingness, and the hate, and missing and the wanting and the meaningless everything and just start again?

and yet again, the only one stopping me is myself. how can i get along with myself again?
i need to. i want to. how can i do it? how do i start?

someone, something smart inside of me tells me to start taking care of myself. make me pretty again.then. i have to start smiling. i will smile. and i will cry like right now. i just i want back what i was, because no matter how not perfect and incomplete and whatever i was, i kinda of liked me.

right now, i’;m nothing. how can i expect someone to like me or love me, i i’m nothing, there;s nothing in here to love or even hate. i’m just this thing, dead inside, fighting and causing trouble for nothing. not knowing where to go, what to want, what to ask.

so i better. go back. to that person, that wasn’t all that bad, just weird. but i was kinda of cool you know. i actually like me. how i was. what i was. i feel so lost.

i want it back. cna i fight for myself? can i stop pretending to be loved, can i stop thinking about so many thing i can’t handle, and just focus on myself, and on picking the pieces of me together?

i will fight these demons, even if i never win, even if this war never ends, i will live by fighting them, at least i will try. and then, i will be loved again. by myself.

i still don’t understand and don’t remember when did i lost myself. but, i just have to think a little more.

javierios… : guy. second line called me ‘mi amor’. third line asked for webcam … :S just another horny boy. Bye sucker!

edisonandres…
he said he randomly typed an e-mail and added me :S what a jerk

so, mother’s sick.

she’s having this problem with one eye, and maybe it all could turn out to be serious.

it’s making me think. of health and illness. i feel sick myself. like something is wrong with me and i’m scrared to find out that it’s true.
i’ve been avoiding the visit to the doctor for quite a long time. and i think i’ll stay avoiding it for a while.

never it’s a good moment to find out you’re sick or something’s wrong, or whatever and you need a for ever expensive medication, or a very strange and awefull treatment… sucks so much.

or perhaps i’m just starting to get old, and when you do, ou start worrying about that stuff. maybe i’m just having too much free time in my hands to let me think of that shit.

problems keep flowing in, weakness keeps growing.

so… that’s about it; life and it’s sick sence of humor.

ali_shok…
Horny boy… :S

a new blocked guy
axmeg…
barely speaks english and everything this guy says sounds rude.
can’t have someone who doesn’t know english… what i’m supposed to talk whis this guy?

i’m all like that. my hands are big and i can see by the way my ring doesn’t fit in the regular finger.

i think it’s normal for the time in the month. the thing is that every month happens something different for me :S

now to normal stuff.
these days have been cool. i went to a MS event and i had great time with my bf and some friends there. i found so many people i haven’t found in a looong long time. so it was kinda cool. i’m too tired now. i just wanna sleep but i still have too much work to do.

today i’m taking an obligated break since my mother is going to the med. and i have to stay i home. so i’m kinda relaxing.

yesterday my bf came home and fixed my wireless internet conn. he’s so smart.(L) and i’m so stupid about networks:P not my stuff.

tired now. gotta go to keep relaxing (Y) bye