so i kissed you

and i feel sorry. but not about the kiss, but about you dishing me away because of it.
i wish i could take back time to that moment, i wish i could think more clearly. i wish i could stop me from rambling and yelling all those things to you. To you, my dear. You, that over everyone in the world, are the last person to deserve such an injury in the heart.

In that moment, i didn’t realize i was hurting you, i though that all this feelings i have inside are just inside of me. my confusion and all the mixed up feelings flowing through my body had my mind clouded. i could only think of Wayne coming back to revenge his dead, time to pay for my sins, in this island where i can’t run away.

so there you were. the more i tried to run away from everyone, the more you find me.
i should have run, without opening my stupid mouth. i should have let you throw your shit at me like i deserve it. but i just don’t know why, i gave you a come back. and it was harder that i even realized.

now that i think about it with a clearer mind, i remember your eyes, full of confusion and concern when i yelled at you all my selfpity. you were truly worried and i could even see a bit of regret for doubting me of being sorry. you felt worried about hurting me. How sweet you are. You weren’t the reason for me to be hurt, but you felt guilty.

you only bring me joy and peace. i should have yelled that, because that is what i truly feel. not all those hurting things i said.

the tone of your voice chaged. you’re so sweet you forgot your own rage, and focused worried on me. you can’t stop caring about everyone, can you?

so i had to run. i had to run to all the things i let out and couldn’t take back in. but you didn’t let me. you held my harm so hard it hurted. i tried to run one more time but then your other arm was around my waist and then i lost all my strenght. i was in your warm embrace, and for the first time i didn’t want to run away. i wanted you to hold me like that forever. i couldn’t believe that after all i said you were holding me. so warm, so sweet, so… safe.

so i let myself out even more. i gave up to your embrace and cried. i said something i can’t even remember because my mind was a completly mess. so many feelings and thoughts yelling inside at the same time. and then there was your touch. your hands softly caresing my shoulders. and then there was your eyes, deep concern, warm caring green-like-never eyes. looking down at me, deep in my eyes, into my heart. and then there was your voice, soft in a whisper, just for you and me to listen ‘it’s ok’. you were confused, but you really meant it. ‘it’s ok’. and so i felt it

all the noise in my head going away. silenced by your voice. ‘it’s ok’. i think you could see in a moment that was like ages for me, how all the noise just left me there, with you. no rage, no other feelings. i was just hearing your voice.

so you relaxed a bit, i saw a little relief.

you were there and just with your magical words you made everything ok. there was no island. no water. no problems. no Wayne. no Sawyer. no nothing. just you and me. and everything was so peaceful. and for that second of peace i would thank you forever.

after so many years of running. after so many tragedies. i felt a blessed second of peace. a bit of heaven. and all thanks to you. and then, i realized that you make me feel like this everytime we’re together, even when there’s always something going on. but we finally were alone, and there was nothing in this earth that could stop this blessed moment, between just you and me.

i wanted to melt into this peace, with you. i wanted it to be forever. and i kissed you. i wanted you to feel how thankful i am for this wonderful peace. and then there was your lips, tight but soft, so hot and alive, kissing me back. i couldn’t believe it. you were kissing me back. you were sharing this moment!

this was heaven, i kissed you with all my need. your kiss was slow, tender. i wanted to melt into your breath. i wanted to stay like that forever.
the feel of your hair, your neck, your face. your hands still softly in my arms.

I had to stop for air and then i saw your eyes. those pretty eyes, those eyes i’ve seen full of joy and full of sadness, were looking down at me with… confussion? and then i realized what i did.

i used you. i used you to make me feel good. i wanted to be a good person, i wanted to be clean, just like you are, through kissing you. but when you kissed me back you where actually… feeling something?… something else?… so all the peace was gone. instead of fixing all the pain i created more. i used the only person on earth that has ever cared about me this way. i was so selfish.

and then all the peace was gone. all the noise coming back. all those voices telling me i was nothing but Wayne’s blood. i was nothing but a bad person. a criminal. a murderer.

so i ran, as fast as i could. i could heard your voice calling my name, but this time, it wouldn’t make it ok. this time it was just my name, under the heavy weight of my burdens.

so i’m sorry for kissing you. not for the second of heaven i had. but for everything that came after that.
you staying away from me. those days were long and sad.

and i thought i lost you forever. until you came and invited me to go to the trade.

you were different. not sweet anymore. you were hard with me. the sweet fun long gone. nothing but bitter fun among us. but even that, i loved it. i was lucky to have you talking to me again. to see you smile, even if it wasn’t the same smile. but sharing this space with you was heaven.

so i had now the chance to say what i’ve been thinking all this days. saying ‘I’m Sorry’ and hoping you would forgive me.

———————–

‘I’m sorry I kissed you’

‘I’m not’

———————–

so this IS weird.

10 years ago (or more, i can’t remember) a famous politician was murdered in the door of my actual university. this fact has nothing to do with me choosing that university of all the other universities in the city. it’s just a fact, that was so long ago that i didn’t remember when i started studying there - i remembered that once i was there, because in his honor the library was named -

So weird thing is that
a couple of minutes ago i found by accident an old diary i had, since i was like 10. i wrote there stupid childish stuff -like every normal girl- but with the time, i took it and started ripping the pages and throwing them away. so i just found the diary that was supposed to be empty, and i found in the last page, written with my child handwritting the name of my university, the name of the hospital the politician was taken, and the number of people hurt in the attack.

So it’s like, when i was a child, when the attack happened, for some reason that i still don’t understand i wrote down all those facts. and for another reason i don’t get i trashed all the pages of my diary but *that* one.

Weird, uh?

and now i studied there. who should have known that?

makes me think, that somehow all your life is written down like in the last page of an old book, and there’s not much you can do about it, not because you can’t, but because life takes you through confusing and mysterious paths that end up where it’s supposed to end without you even noticing.

… weird indeed.