so i’ve been planing on writing a ‘101 facts about me’ kinda list. it’s therapeutic, nice way to get to know myself, i think.
but i’m too lasy to do it right now
i have this worry in my head. well i have many, but right now i’m thinking about my stalker and the people around me and how i affect them.
i feel this fear, that i know many people have felt. that thing that i feel like i’m the one to blame about everthing that happens to him. i’m scared that i’m causing him troubles at home, that i’m screwing his life, like i usually do :S… and i don’t want that.

i try to focus and think, that we’re grown ups, that his problems at home are part of his life, that whatever desition he’s gonna take he’ll do it for himself, not me. but i can’t help feeling scared.

i’m also kinda freaked of myself. of what i’m feeling and what i’ve become.
i feel right now i’m like so many people out there. enjoying freely of being single, not wanting to be on a cage anymore. i try to remember how i felt when i left Jaime, i was exhausted, and then i ran into Hugo’s arms again…. and i wanted to. But this time i feel different. Like i wanna run away. i wanna keep running. and i know it’s no good.

i hate the people that do this thing that i’m about to do. the running away from feelings. the wanting to be alone, like wanting to suffer :S some shit like that. the not letting go. so i’m freaked out of myself, where is this shit going to take me?

why am i feeling like this? i know it won’t last, i can’t get away from what i feel. then what am i running from? am i able to keep this pace? do i really want to do it? what do i want?

i wanna stop thinking. i wanna focus on my shit (((((( hell, i’ve just realized that i looked just like Hugo, too damn focused on *myself* and my career… now things are getting WACKO!))))))
i guess i got an answer already. is life’s punishment for judging Hugo… even when i tried not to, i guess i’ve been pissed about him choosing his career instead of me. so i guess this is natural payback. damn it.

am i still on time to let go and change it?
did i judge him deep inside even when i tried to be aware that it was smart and normal???
is this really payback?… i’m starting to think so. how can i change it if i’m aware?
i can’t take the trip thing out of my head… and after that, maybe i’ll be back to normal… maybe. what’s going to happen when i fail? will i learn what i somehow wished him to feel?

am i still thinking or just rambling? does this make any sence?

damn brain. i need my medication.

i have this stupid headache that suddenly throwed me to bed.
i was working like good girls do, and now i can’t see the pc screen. my eye hurts. i think its because of my stomach and somehow because of stress.

so i promised stalker i’ll give him something to read, so this is the last thing i’m doing tonight.

today i worked in the morning like a good girl. it was one of those days when i feel hyper at work, and suddenly in a charge of initiative i give myself freely a lot more of work that i absolutelly have no need to. so i send an e-mail to the whole university employees about updating some info and now my inbox is full with work. i was happy. boss is happy. tomorrow i’ll bang my head agains the pc screen for being sucha good worker :S ((what an asshole!))… that’s a bad thing when you love your work :S

in the afternoon while my inbox was flooded with work and MS emails, i played a game with my friend Li and talked about 3 months without talking. she told me about her unfair job problems, and i told her about my (l)ove life. i told her about H. ((( oh hell, finally someone that gets it! her first reaction was PRO-maclau, unless like so many people ))). i told her about the cute guys i’ve been seeing and fooling around. i told her about my stalker. we talked about love and live and stuff.

and i concluded yet again that i’m enjoying being single. SO FUCKING MUCH!.
Some days i feel like falling in love, like caring and loving and giving and giving and giving. but sometimes i just feel like taking. finally taking what i deserve, for being a good girl for so long. and taking and not staying…. so i can’t tell what’s gonna happen next.

for now, i’m gonna try to sleep. and to dream him. i’ll replay some images i’ve seen tonight in my head, i’ll imagine so many more. i’ll keep going on with last night’s dream. i’ll keep trying to bring his touch to my skin. i’ll picture him kissing my moles again. feeling his lips and his skin. letting him discover all i want him to discover. teasing our need to feel, prolonging the longing, painfully taking ages to satisfy our wanting… i’ll keep dreaming of you and me tonight.

so i’ve been accepted by thefanlistings.org to have the jenny schecter fanlisting!! weee, it’s already up and running, now i just need the members… that’s quite hard cuz most people hate jenny… because she’s kinda weird. i just say, she’s got an artistic soul. and those souls use to be tormented, deep and complex. they fight with their demons and are consumed by their passions… and mia is doing a great job portraying jenny like that. and i think the writers of the show wanna show us that.

so i hope i meet some more people that recognizes the power of jenny, and join my fanlisting!! yay! (L)

wednesday: went with my MS boss to a Peruian restaurant. Amazing food. i’m not too fond of sea food, but it was nice. the place awesome, and the Pizco Sour was nice. LOVELY chicken. the place was relaxed, really takes you somewhere else. awesome.

eat a little of everything. (y) really liked it.

saw my lovely stalker a little.

yesterday: was ok. not much to tell. worked my ass off on some designs. my fanlisting was approved!! i guess i’m gonna become a fanlisting whore… just collectives!

right now i’m at bed. i feel kinda sick, it’s all because of the stupid cold that does not go away. i feel tired, so i’m staying here in the morining, i’ll go and work in the afternoon. i’ll probably see my dear stalker, so it’s worth get out of this bed

soooooooooo how to start. what to say…

it’s funny cuz i was used to write here hoping that someone, somebody would read and now that i know that *him* will read this i feel kinda shy :$

mmm…mmmm….mm…..

ok yeah, we kissed.
and i loved it. and we kissed again. and then a little more. and it was awesome :d
so at first i thought he didn’t want to change his mind. he wanted to be just friends like that. and i felt kinda rejected. and a little hurt.

but i knew i wanted to kiss him. and so we did. and he kissed me good.
he… you, have such an awesome lips, makes me shiver just to remember them. and your tongue… i’m dizzy right now just to think about it.

i wonder what’s in your mind right now? i wonder if you saw that coming? i wonder if you knew i changed my mind a couple of minutes after we agreed to just be friends.

i wanna be kissing you again. now. i wanna feel your hands again. i just haven’t got enough of you.

ok to regular readers, i’ll be back to blogging mood :P… so, we saw each other, we talked not under the influence of any kind of alcohol, just under the influence of too much sugar. my dear stalker gave me a chocolate egg (he know what Ostara is, he’s the best stalker out there). mm and we got nervous all over again, he wanted to see my messy hair, i wanted a kiss… so we stared at the ceiling for like i don’t know how long. then i showed him my messy hair, he said it’s nice (i still can’t believe that). so, he, such an innocent creature, said he was going to kiss me in my cheek. and then i stole a kiss from him (YEAH I DID!… you helped a little, but i did stole a kiss from you :P) and we kissed. and then a little more. then we got kicked out of the caffee (how about not coming back there, ever?  :S hate being kicked out of anywhere (n))

so i showed him my workplace. and then we kissed a little more, the lights went off and so it was exciting (L) bitting is cool and licking fingers is too interesting…. i have a lot more of weak-points to find on him
and so then we woke up to reality… his girl called and it was time to leave… so… sounds like it’s gonna be the summary of our relationship… we-having a good time-, interrupted cuz… cuz… because… he’s not leaving his girl… … … wonder, if i could ever be something enough for him… wonder what’s in his heart…. what’s on your mind, stalker?

anyway. wonderful day. i’m in love with your lips. and your pretty chocolate eyes. and with the many things i wanna do to you (L)

so while this cold goes away, i’ve been a good girl working on my website, changing layout, fixing links and stuff like that.

i’m having fun so far. it’s been great cuz now i have unlimited internet conn. so i can update as much as i want, an that makes it all a whole easier.

i’m taking all stuf i liked again, like my pixe mania with blinkies and stamps… still gotta a lot to update and create… but i’ll keep on working today ((i still got flu and it’s free day so…))

so i was cleaning up my wallet and found your picture.

you look so cute. you’re hot H, you knew that? you’ll always bring a smile to my face just by seeing your cute eyes and moles.

you must be thinking that i’m already with someone else. you must have felt a huge pain. i feel it right now. and i’m sorry. i hate to be the cause of any kind of pain in you. i will always love you. i just hope that destiny won’t forget, that it was you who broke my heart when you rejected me. and i just hope that someday, maybe at the end -if there’s any- you’ll know that i meant no pain for you, and that right now i’m alone. yeah i had sex -nothing but that- and yeah i like a couple of guy. but everything it’s just like a dream that will never come true.

i hope someday you’ll understand that i broke up with you still loving you, because i even liked your imperfections, and i broke up with you, not for the way you are, but because you weren’t willing to share your life with me. you didn’t want to make my dreams come true. and it’s ok. i will never hate you for that… i just hope you don’t hate me for what you think it might be happening. i just hope your pain goes away quickly. i just hope you find a beautiful woman, a very smart one, a perfect one. a girl that is everything i am not. a girl able to give you what you need and more. a happy woman. i just want you to be happy, because, your one of those people that deserves the best.

if there’s any god out there listening to my heart as i write this, i want to ask you, as you know i’m feeling it for true, please, make this happen. please, make him happy.

once i asked you to give me a sign and your did - i think you did- and you let me be part of his life. then i asked you, i begged you to make him stay with me, and i never heard your reply. i took that as another sign. now please, God of Gods, see inside my heart, see i’m being true when i say i want him to be happy. i want him to be with a perfect woman. i dont want him to be alone. i want him to be happy. i really do. please.

WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU GET AWAY FROM ME??????

why on earth i keep trying to have/feel/care about the disgusting, stupid, pathetic male human beingS??????

feeling this sudden awareness tht life sucks so much, that men suck so much, that i’m this worthless piece of shit, that there’s ever a god, he’s fucking playing tricks with me, i’m his little stupid toy and he’s enjoying every single tear, all the pain in my heart, and burden inside.

if there’s destiny, i’m meant not to mean anything for anyone. that i wish i could rip my feelings away, that i could be death at will, that this world would end, that i would stop feeling and thinking. i just wanna be dead.

why do i have to meet this people?

so i guess that i keep playing with fire even though i know i always get burned, and burned bad.

how pathetic is my life right now? how ever prettyness turns into this nothingness
i like this guy, but he’s gotta girlfriend. and it’s not like he’s going to broke up with her, cuz he loves her, and they live together and she’s prettier, yadda yadda yadda. isn’t it true stalker?

then i like this other guy, but he lives quite far away (another country, is that cool?) and just today i found out that he’s a catholic. one of those loyal catholics that works for his chuch and shit.

so. i’m ok with religion, but it makes me feel as unconfortable as the stalker’s girlfriend.

so. that’s it. i’m still this lousy shit, and things are not getting better.
and hell fucking yes, i still don’t have my pills, SO WHAT?

i’m awakening aware of reality and all the shit i’ll always be in. so fuck off everyone.