I know I’ll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now

She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone

Oh I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

Oh I came there to find out
Find out she made up her mind ohhhh
My arms are all tied up
To me she was blind

Mmmm this space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now
It seems so unnerving
Yet still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here

Oh I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

I know I’ll miss her later
I wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To be the light in her eyes

 

There will never come a day
You will ever hear me say
That I want or need to be without you
I want to give my all
Baby just hold me
Simply control me
Because your arms they keep away the lonelies
When I look into your eyes
Then I realize
All I need is you in my life
All I need is you in my life
Cuz I never felt this way about lovin
No
Never felt so good baby
Never felt this way about lovin
It feels so good

so i stood there. after i don’t know how much time walking. all i know is that i walked a lot!

i stood in front if the *huge* place where he works.

it’s surrounded by a wall, that only lets you see the roofs of the building. white roofs.

 

the same white roofs that i watched every day when i had to work near you.

today i saw the white letter over blue background, with the name of the company.

so i stood there.

watching. thinking of him. remembering one of the last things we did when we saw each other for the last time, i asked him to draw his company building for me, i wanted to know how were the walls he saw every day, the hallways he had to walk through, how his desk looked like. how far was he from his car.

 

so i stood there. imagining me inside, walking through your picture, and getting to your desk. seeing everything around me.

i stood there so close to that HUGE place and felt so little. i felt small. i felt… like how i feel when i think of you and all you’ve done, how far you are from me.

 

you’ve done and reached things i will never know how’s like. and you will go further. cuz, you are a man of big ambitions, so you’ll be everytime even bigger and successfull.

for a little moment i remember when i was like you. i had huge professional dreams, i wanted to have what you have know and a little more. now i’m this little person standing in front of a huge building with white roofs. this little person that have the most simplistic dreams, so that way i feel so little.

 

i cry. and feel sad, but it’s not about you. it’s about myselft and how little i’ve become. so i stop and wonder, why i did this to myself? and then something answers ‘you let them do that to you’… who?? … ‘your lovers. everytime you’ve loved someone you killed those dreams, and got new dreams, different dreams, far from your career and the money’

 

so what am i now? i am this little person. this little woman, that only dreams what every woman dreamt on the past. having a family, loving, taking care of a man, raising childs… and this little woman is a contradiction, cuz it’s all modern life, being bisexual and being sexually open, and living by technology… but her dreams, all she wants, are so small dreams and little ambitions… so what the hell i am?

 

am i a loser? what the hell i am?

 

i studied a career, and everyone expects me to be the model of the modern women, hard working, smart, but somehow sexy, and rich, and independent… i wanted that of myself too… but now… all i have is this thing in my brain that tells me, even through my medication, that all i want is a simple life. a ‘traditional’ one. and i want it to be a fast life. i don’t want it to last.

 

how can i repare what so many years of depressions did to my brain and my soul? can i even repare it? is it worth doing it? do i have to do it?

 

am i wrong? am i right? am i crazy?

 

is that so bad being what i’ve become? so far the answer is yes. cuz no one is proud of the real you. no one loves the real you. no one wants the real you. no one dies for the real you.

 

i let others do with me all that make me what i am. not that they even noticed. i can’t help thinking of the others. i wish i could. but i can’t. i measure my life by the people around me, like you measure your life by your career.

 

so here i am. crying after long 3 weeks of not doing so. and it was just because i stood in front of a wall that hid you away from me… away from me… like everyone else

 

i’m proud of you and feel shame for myself. but i won’t change, because i don’t have the strenght, i don’t want to do it. i don’t think it’s worth it.

 

so i say it in my nickname ‘open your wings and fly, fly where i can’t go, and come back, and tell me how it feels. i will always be proud of you’