wow. had a wonderful day yesterday.

and i feel many thing about it.

one of those is security. i feel proud that i acted so secure, and when i felt vulnerable, i let it out, i said ‘i feel sensitive/vulnerable right now talking to you about…’ so, that makes me proud, to let out feelings and not feeling stupid about it. But then i felt secure. i lied down on his bed and felt so secure… not that shame and embarrass i felt the first time i was near a bed with H. Yesterday i felt so secure, so safe. no… not ashamed of my body, even if i still think it’s ugly. yesterday i felt good.

and i’m sure that’s something about me, and something about the person you’re with, that helps you feel sexy and beautiful.

 

he said many things about me and my body that i’ve heard before, really… manly reactions that i’ve seen before… i guess that helps too to feel ok. like; if 3 different people have said to me before that my body is pretty and my face too… hell i’m gonna start to believe it.

 

and so i felt good. and now i’m still feeling good. it’s not like i’m in love, it’s more like i’m happy with myselft and how someone else made me feel about myself, and how much i like this guy. how i absolute love the way i met him, and how we ended up like this without planning, not even thinking about it… absolute surprise… like he said ‘wonderful surprise’

you make me shiver, at the sight of your…

you know

i find you handsome, but it’s the eternal complain

‘you don’t know me’

that should be translated to

‘you have made no intentions on knowing me’

but those are girly words

cuz when i think about it

you are always getting to know me

with little silly questions and chats

why do girls want to get asked ‘what’s your fave color?’ in the first dates…?

 

but the important thing, is that you make me feel good

and that’s  lovely feeling.

it’s cool to see you all out of control

because of me and the dirty toughts you have about me

 

there’s always doubt

and i will go slowly as it kills me

but the safer

for you.

 

 I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts
Waiting for the black to replace my blue
I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught
But daddy longlegs, I feel that I’m finally growing weary
Of waiting to be consumed by you

Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait
Forever
Darling, just start the chase - I’ll let you win but you must
Make the endeavor

Oh, your love give me a heart contusion
Adagio breezes fill my skin with sudden red
Your hungry flirt borders intrusion
I’m building memories on things we have not said
Full is not heavy as empty, not nearly my love, not nearly my love, not
Nearly

Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait
Forever
Darling, just start the chase - I’ll let you win, but you must
Make the endeavor

i feel out of control.

just 2 days without my medication and i already got a crisis.

it all started last night. but helll i just took my pill and i hope i’ll get to be myself again soon.

 

right now i’m mad. i’m really mad.

i had a middly good day yesterday, and in the night, i got this virtual sex episode. i had 2 guys wanting me bad… and all i was doing is trying to get  HIM to notice me, to want me, to need be as bad.

what a jerk. he gave me this sweet lesson of how to behave, like i’m this little 15 years old stupid girl that knows nothing about love and live. well then f*ck off.

 

you don’t know a shit about my heart. you don’t know a sh*t about how i feel. you have no idea what goes through my mind. man, my life is mess, i don’t know about what i want for my life, but the helll that the only clear things in my life is my feelings.

 

so, now what i am. a rejected b*tch. that should take out her dildo and start thinking about her feelings. right? i’m a stupid little brat that does not know the difference between sex and love. right? you know what i am for sure? a pretty stupid girl, the most idiot one, that could fell for someone like you. a stupid asshole that wanted to get to know you like noone else. that wanted to share so much with you. the real you.

 

but you know what, f*ck off. i’ll got over this as quickly as i have done before. and thanks, for not letting me make the same mistake i did with hugo, waste my time and efforts and feelings, on someone so unable to see what’s right in front of your eyes. so unable to realize that i was so willing to do anything. f*ck off.

 

f*ck men, i’m tired of your stupid brains, and constricted feelings.

well, i was already trying to sleep and got this crisis, and i need to let it out.

no one is online to talk to… so there’s nothing left but this space and me.

 

i forgot.

 

i forgot the shape of his eyes. i forgot the shape of his nose. i forgot how does his hands felt in mine. i forgot how he combed his hair. i forgot… i think i never looked at his ears clearly. i don’t remember his ears.i can’t remember his voice. i can’t remember how he laughed.i can’t remember how he looked when he drove his car. i forgot his smell. i forgot how he looked on his graduation. i can’t remember his arms.

it’s gone. i fucking hate my brain. because i just can’t i can’t remember, and i want to. i want to be able to bring whatever memory i want… i just can’t/ i need to remember…. why worth living if you can’t remember those things.

 

it’s been a month. and i can’t remember.i would give anything to remember. to have those moments with him vivid in my brain. but i can’t. and right now, it’s hurting the hell out of me. does that mean something? or is just my disfunctional brain?

 

i need my memories, why can’t i have them?

 

people say that the memories are the worst thing that haunt them when trying to got over someone… but what is really killing me right now, is that i can’t remember him. i have no pictures to look at. i have nothing to hold on to. he’s something in my life that happened, and is being vanished… and i don’t want to forget. i don’t him to be wiped out of my brain. i want to remember. i need to remember… and i can’t.

 

do you remember me? do you wanna forget me? can you feel our last kiss in your lips? i wish i could, cuz you were so wonderful to me, and now your vanishing… like everything else in my life that once was there, and now is gone…

friday night

everyone is having a party time tonight.. and i’m at bed.

I had plans, but got sick and had to cancel them. but i’m not sick enough not to feel bored at being here alone. i want to have a nice company. is that too much to ask?

i mean, i’ve been alone for like a month? i’m starting to feel ready to get up and go out, meet people, have stuff to do.

I love my sedentary life, but i’d love to have plans from time to time. also is the best way to take my mind off some toughts that i’m not happy with. you know, this obsession… i need anything but being rejected anymore.

 

i’ve been to hooked up with Fiona Apple, every single song means something to me, to my life, to my soul. i love it absolutely.

 

my throat hurts and i can’t sing that well, but i still try, i need it.

 

i look around and i found all this friends i’ve got, with no faces, only words… but i already love them somehow.

 

love love love love love feel feel feel feel feel feel pain pain pain pain pain care care care care love love love love love touch touch touch kiss kiss love.

 

i wanna feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is that too much to ask?

i want to make feel, i want to stop feeling what is not here to touch, i wanna be loved and THEN love back, not fall in love silly like i usually do.

 

i want someone to love me. please love me?

 

Pale september, I wore the time like a dress that year
The autumn days swung soft around me, like cotton on my skin
But as the embers of the summer lost their breath and disappeared
My heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within
But then he rose, brilliant as the moon in full
And sank in the burrows of my keep

And all my armour falling down, in a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm, as I’m singing him to sleep

He goes along just as a water lily
Gentle on the surface of his thoughts his body floats
Unweighted down by passion or intensity
Yet unaware of the depth upon which he coasts
And he finds a home in me
For what misfortune sows, he knows my touch will reap

And all my armour failing down, in a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm, as I’m singing him to sleep
All my armour falling down, in a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm, as I’m singing him to sleep

 

——————————————————

 

… please fate, let me sing this song to him someday…

… please fate, keep me away from his heart…

Another hot night.

and i my mind was on him the whole day.

i can’t get to understand why does my brain keep ringing this toughts in my head, why my heart keeps beating hard, and why my soul is making all my body hurt with longing.

 

i had tons of daydreams, but nothing compared to my enigmatic dreams while i sleep in these hot nights.

 

and it hurts the pleasing pain… and it strangles my throat with unspoken words… and it burns my guts and my stomach from the inside… and it makes me shiver of the thought… and it wets and warms the right places.

 

i had a song to dedicate to my imaginary lover… but everytime i hear it, it makes me think of him, over and over again… teasing visions of what i have never seen, and probably will never see… the deepth of his mind and his feelings that i will never meet…

 

i can’t get this obsession out of my head, anyway so, i’ll keep trying.

 

next song, it’s all for you.

so… the feared day is coming.

i tried to ignore it th first days of February… but well, no longer can deny it.

Valentine’s Day is here. and so here i am.

Like FartousTheDestroyer at GAIA said… the solitude awarnes day

 

i’m alone. and that suck at Valentine’s.

 

I feel like i wanna love. i have so much love to give! i can feel this passionate to the bones love… and hell looks like no one wants it.

and it’s a contradiction cuz i’m aware that right now i’m not the right person to be for anyone… i’m all confused and messed up, and i could only screw another life if i let myself fall for anyone … but

i feel this thing inside. like i can be so good, so perfect to someone. like i wanna cherish and be cherished… and hell there’s no one out there.

 

Valentine’s -solitude awareness- is here, and catch all those hearts alone… all at the same time, looking up to the sky wondering ‘where is my Valentine?’ …. and some other saying ‘I’m here, will wait another year’

 

all i got is nice friends to say, happy valentine’s day