Today was a pretty crappy day. But it was horrible, the worst of them all. First I had a bad night thanks to damn bug flying and making hateful noises. I tried to kill it with my palm, but the damn mosquito bugged me a lot. When I woke up, I don’t know how, but my father brought up the issue about my plans and I open my stupid mouth and said too much. Well, nothing bad to me, just too much truth (the thing about paying my dues and then going to do what I really want to do). So he started talking about his sister’s daughters and shit, so I got all down and shit. I was trying not to be all that depressed when he came talking shit about buying a new hard disk and that he was going to change mine If I wanted to, but that’s a work I don’t wanna do right now so I said I didn’t want to do it and he started talking shit and did it for like 3 hours. Obviously he said shit about Hugo and me (cuz just like I guessed before, my mother told him) and well, made me cry a lot. Like always he’s so shitty perfect and I’m a piece of shit with no rights to complain. So I cried my fucking brains out. Really felt like I wanted to die, I’ve never felt that close to madness before. I really really freaked out. And hell, once more I concluded there’s nothing to do, I’m not gonna die, I’m gonna live a long fucking life. Just on it, Andrea called me and said she wasn’t going out with me today cuz she had other thing to do, so I went like crazy really, and I thought about him. Yet then I really felt like shit. It’s like I feel he’s the only one that loves (loved?) me in this world. And then I regretted so much so many things, like asking to much of him and shit, but then I asked myself; he loved me, but what in hell he loved about me? I’m insane, I’m a piece of shit, I have no descent dreams in my life, I have no future, I have no dreams (well I had one he never got to know) so shit, what in this fucking world he found lovely in me? He always talked about my pretty eyes and ass and sexy neck… but inside? He loved something inside me? I’d love to know what? Is it because I’m smart? There are a lot of people smarter than me. I am no shit… Pretty depressing. So I kept crying. So then another thought came; he’s having a bitching fun without me. Not news here. But then I thought (and it was pretty hard) well, and if he’s not that good? Let’s think for a moment I’m not so shitty. He’s sad like me, how’s he?? And then I called him, again no answer. So then I thought, what if he’s worst than me? And well, how can this be worst??? And so tragic thoughts came to my mind, and it wasn’t pretty. So I did something I don’t know if it was right but I don’t regret it; I called his mom. Fortunately for me she picked the phone and well, she was pretty nice. Lovely woman. She was kinda surprised but not disgusted. She asked me how I was, and hell I felt so bad, didn’t realize until then that I missed her too!!! So I was like crying but trying not to sound so pathetic to her. But it was hard, I guess she noticed I was bad but she was very nice not saying anything about it. I told her I didn’t know about Hugo in a long time and I wanted to know if he was ok. She told me he was camping with a couple of friends (well, at least he’s not drunk in a bar!! … but who knows? yuck). She said she has not talked to him either, but well she was very calm, and I believe in that mother sense so I guess he’s ok too. I asked how she was, and she told me she was good. She asked about me and how I was, and well I didn’t answer –already crying- so I told her I’ve been here at home, and that I was glad she was ok. Well, so yay for me he’s ok. But damn for me I’m in hell. I wonder if he thought about me at all… and I go 9to10 that he didn’t thought about anything at all. Anyway I got dressed and I called Andrea and told her not to call me here cuz I was going out anyway and I was going to said to my parents that I was with her. She was ok and apologizing. No big deal, I don’t know how I made it to think for a second that I wasn’t alone. So I had little lunch –no hunger- and left alone to the park. I sat in the bricks where I saw him for the last time. In the same place we said goodbye, I waited. I can’t believe but I still have hope, that he calls me. I waited for a miracle to happen; I wished he would show up there just because. Well I waited for like 2 hours, no miracle. So there was too many weird people around so I took the TransM to go somewhere, didn’t really know where. And there was too many people there, don’t know why, so I ended up going down in a known station, and walked to Andino, I wanted to look for books on wicca and I got there before the rain. I looked in a weird store, mostly ignored by people cuz it’s all about candles and yoga and new age, but well, unfortunately found only a little space with slim shitty books about wicca. Sucky. So I left all sad. But well I was too damn worried cuz the city is empty (everybody’s out for the holy-shit week) and I felt all the times like followed and watched and shit. Hate this survival instinct. So I left and got wet because of the rain and came back home to damn early to find here my family. So having nothing left to do; with a damn headache I played rumiq with my mother, aunt and grandma. And hell, just like always I won. Yay for me, I had no money. They’ve just left and here I am, remembering the whole crappy day. Hugo’s mom said he’s coming back today… I can’t help but think about him again. Will he call me? I’m not sure. That will make me good? Don’t know either. Anyway, I’ll keep alive, not happy, everyday even crappier, but here.