Well, today was a good day -considering past days- you would be proud of me in the morning i wrote the palm blog and then post it on internet. i read wicca and started again my book of shadows. i learn a couple of important things; first i can be a witch without having inherited it (yay! that’s amazing, made me happy to know) and second, i must be in a very calm state of mind to start casting spells… well that’s not so good cuz my life right now is a complete chaos, but well, i rather wait because i don’t wanna have a bad beginning. so I’m more conscious now that it’s gonna take time. I spend little time on gaia cuz there’s nothing to do right now, and my slow connection makes it worst. I talked to George a little (G, thanks for your support, i wont forget ‘whatever floats your boat’ LOL!) After lunch i got online and met a nice girl that’s been practicing wicca for almost a year and it was great talking to her, she’s a good person, we even talked about our broken hearts, that was sweet… And something really unexpected happened; i met a guy through hi5. Actually he added me in msn, and we chat. He was a lot funny, mostly a dick but it was fun, and man I felt like wanted again, how pathetic is that?? But i did have a good time; he wanted to see my tits, what a dumbass!!! But made me laugh a lot, more than that, gave me something different to think about. His name is Arturo. He study arts in a public university, wich makes me think he possibly do drugs or is wacko somehow… But who knows?? But also that tells me he’s talented and soul driven, that’s good. i saw him on cam and well, not bad. Got a sexy mouth. And nice chest, well a common one (not like he’s a sporty edonist). He saw me on cam too (funny spot: ‘what’s dev days??’ LOL) he’s a dick i guess cuz he didn’t say i was pretty or something ;S but he said: ‘i really wanted to see them badly’ ROTLMAO!!!! Well, i never showed him anything, but i bet i stole some minutes of his life thinking about me, yay for me. After that i listened good old cds; korn, limp bizkit and radiohead. felt pretty good, felt strong. i guess he could never understand this, how much the music fills my life, but when i sing i do raise my energy, and well, choosing those cds was a great idea cuz i felt that energy again healing my broken body… so cool. yay for me again. In the late afternoon i tried calling nats, but she wasn’t at home, then john but he wasn’t either. so i did an unpredictable call. i called old good friend andrea and yay good news, she was at home. We talked for like 2 hours and we’re going to see each other tomorrow. that’s gonna be so good for me. So no more home and punishment for maclau it’s time to see the world again.

yesterday I couldn’t stand it anymore. I watched the matrix and cried. every song I listed reminded me of you and what we had… so I sent you a message, and you never replied. I waited long hours till night, (when I usually feel weaker and miss you too damn much)… so I called you and got a ‘voice mail’… I have two theories; either you left Bogotá and wherever you are there’s no signal, or you left Bogotá and let the cell phone turned off here. this morning I’m more convinced about the first one, because I called you again and got that damn voice mail but it was different, more like when the phone is off, yesterday it took some time to trash me to the damn voice mail. so. last night I cried a lot thinking about you. I imagined you in a bar with your friends, having fun, possibly drunk, talking shit about me… although I don’t think I’m that lucky… I guess you’re already meeting new people, girls following you around, wanting to be with you. that thoughts followed me and broke my heart to tiny little pieces. I don’t know how am I alive this fucking morning. I’m so alone. last night there was noone to hear me. noone who cared. I deleted the only friend I had on messenger cuz I noticed he’s tired of me. I don’t want that. I cried last night my soul out. I didn’t watch your picture; I didn’t talk to it anymore. instead, I begged you at whatever empty space for you to hear me to come back to me. and hell sure you didn’t listen. I fall asleep in my pain. I had a dream with you. I saw you in your suit with the yellow tie I gave you; we talked and hold hands again. we kissed and I felt like nothing has ever happened… I felt very peaceful… but I was beautiful, had big tight tits and a red cocktail dress and I was in some kind of weirdo contest and I sang a lovely song and I won cuz the main judge was Jaime’s mother and she was an expert I fashion and glamour… damn it was a freaky fucking dream… there’s no need to be smart to see that it was goddamn dream about what could be a perfect world for me. how much I hate my brain for tricking me like this. damn. well, I woke up this morning bored, but quiet again. I feel uncomfortable cuz yesterday I told my mother that I broke with Hugo… eww now I know that she knows, and so my father does, so they’ll be watching everything I do and say, and my face… waiting for the moment they can talk and say ‘your problems are not our fault, but you come here to throw your shit at us’… bla bla bla. if I’m strong enough to keep with the act I’ve been doing all these days that everything is perfect, they bring up something different always unexpected, maybe something like ‘you’re a liar don’t tell us the truth, who know if you ever had a boyfriend’ or some shit like that. so I’m here in my room, I’ve got some serious PMS and everything hurts. even my heart. I’m in sucha mess. I suck big time. I’m gonna stay here and complain a lot more. maybe I’ll read Wicca later; it’s the only thing that made me half happy and half strong yesterday.