last night i cried again. i got all desperate and added him to my msn messenger hoping he was online so i could beg him to come back. but he wasn’t. and i recovered my strength i don’t know how and i deleted him again. i called nats and it didn’t help that much. i called jaime and it wasn’t as conforting as i thought. i asked him if he hated me and he said he has a bitter taste about all this, but he’s just ok. i asked if he felt better knowing that my life suck big big time and he said no. so there i couldn’t confort myself in the thought of my pain being a punishment for the much that i hurt jaime. nope, it’s not like i’m getting rid of this karma so fast. i cryed in my bed again my soul out. then i talked to his picture again. and i felt better then again. i fell asleep after some random palm blog. really makes me feel better posting all this in my blog. writing down my soul it’s like exorcising this pain out my life. although it raining outside since last night. it was a hot night for me… I had dreams about him. about him being around me. in my dream we made love and felt him close again. but it was just a dream, it’s a bad wake up to feel empty again. today i’ll do nothing. there’s no real plans. i’m gonna stick around my computer a while, reading about wicca, playing fool games. maybe in the afternoon i’ll paint, although i dont feel all that creative and artistic so… i don’t know. i’m sure i don’t wanna see anybody, and i don’t wanna go out… but who knows? maybe my mind can change… laters

Random thoughts at random times… I wonder if you’re hearing their words to feel better… I find it incredible but rationally acceptable. my friends don’t talk about you at all. are yours talking shit about me? I wonder if you’re already looking for someone else. I wonder if you think about forgetting me with someone else… I find it incredible but rationally acceptable. I wish I could have someone to take me out of this place and introduce me interesting people… but that shit ain’t gonna happen. I know I’m good to be loved, but do I want to? can I get rid of this feelings quickly? can I forget those sweet dreams living with him, kissing his children, marring him, kissing him every morning in bed. making love entire nights…? if I can’t forget those, how am I supposed to forget that we could have been tripping together to celebrate our first year together in a few days?… I miss him too damn much. but I’ll try to remember that he got tired of me, and that’s why he left me. I was a spoiled crybaby, but he? he just got tired… I’ll try to remember that I cannot share my life with someone who cannot conceive to give everything to me and a ‘family’… I must remember that no matter how piece of shit I feel I DO live for the loved one, per se I deserve something better than ‘I’ll give you only somethings’… No matter how much you run away from your thoughts, they will always be following you and someday they’ll catch you. I’m better confronting them now.