Loreley’s Witchcraft Notes: yay one more

Her Circles: Loreley’s Witchcraft Pages: must go here later too

The Juggler, a collaborative pagan blog: a must read in deepth

If the last 5 days were the worst days in my life, today is the happiest day of all my life; hugo is with me again!!!!!! the day began at 2am when i got a phone call from an unknown number, was something like this: -me: (sleepy) hello? -guy: yeah, who am i talking to? -me: maclau -guy: (doh!) end of call i must note here that the cellphone line i’m using used to be hugo’s. so something ringed in my head, and not really thinking -only suspecting- i called hugo and surprise! no more voice mail!… i freaked and hung… then i thought, what the hell, i have no life, i care not and i called again, this time i waited until i got the damn voice mail. so i called again. and again. no answer. but at least it rang so he’s gonna see that sometime -i thought-. i waited like 40 minutes and then, the waited moment; he called me back. and we talked. i actually just cryed, he was soft and and too short for my broken heart. so i sent him a couple of messages letting him know i was in an aweful mess, so he called again and he was soft and short again. we arranged a meeting to talk and clear things out. i was too hurted to have a good reaction, but finally i let him rest. i was too moved to sleep so i got online and read an e-mail he sent. it was bittersweet. so i tryed to reply, but my pain took me and wrote all my shit out in a 3 page long e-mail. thanks Goddess i accidentally deleted it. i felt anger and tryed to write it again but i couldn’t. i calmed down and wrote a shortest, non-shittyful message and sent it. i went back to bed and practiced the relaxation techniques i’ve learned recently, and yay it worked!!! Long morning, no news of him. oh yeah; lovely easter event on gaia!!, i enjoyed it a lot. i sent hugo a message. and he called me at lunch. we were different, i was in a better mood, he was like back to normal. i was getting ready for whatever ugly situation, until i got a mesage from him; it was something like ‘we complement each other, wanna keep complementing my life?’ … wow i was like melted. i answered yes. we saw each other after lunch. i just saw him and got lost in his eyes, we gave each other a tight hug and talked a little bit. i gave him a egg-shaped chocolate and he gave me my life back. we went to a park a talked a little more, only sweet things, we said we missed each other he told me about his camping, i told him that i saw his e-mail, he was not mad! yay for me. o we are together again, and sooo happy. we ate an ice cream, we went back to his house and i kissed his entire body. got a great day together. he leftbmy at home in the night, and i finally had a good happy sleep.

Today was a pretty crappy day. But it was horrible, the worst of them all. First I had a bad night thanks to damn bug flying and making hateful noises. I tried to kill it with my palm, but the damn mosquito bugged me a lot. When I woke up, I don’t know how, but my father brought up the issue about my plans and I open my stupid mouth and said too much. Well, nothing bad to me, just too much truth (the thing about paying my dues and then going to do what I really want to do). So he started talking about his sister’s daughters and shit, so I got all down and shit. I was trying not to be all that depressed when he came talking shit about buying a new hard disk and that he was going to change mine If I wanted to, but that’s a work I don’t wanna do right now so I said I didn’t want to do it and he started talking shit and did it for like 3 hours. Obviously he said shit about Hugo and me (cuz just like I guessed before, my mother told him) and well, made me cry a lot. Like always he’s so shitty perfect and I’m a piece of shit with no rights to complain. So I cried my fucking brains out. Really felt like I wanted to die, I’ve never felt that close to madness before. I really really freaked out. And hell, once more I concluded there’s nothing to do, I’m not gonna die, I’m gonna live a long fucking life. Just on it, Andrea called me and said she wasn’t going out with me today cuz she had other thing to do, so I went like crazy really, and I thought about him. Yet then I really felt like shit. It’s like I feel he’s the only one that loves (loved?) me in this world. And then I regretted so much so many things, like asking to much of him and shit, but then I asked myself; he loved me, but what in hell he loved about me? I’m insane, I’m a piece of shit, I have no descent dreams in my life, I have no future, I have no dreams (well I had one he never got to know) so shit, what in this fucking world he found lovely in me? He always talked about my pretty eyes and ass and sexy neck… but inside? He loved something inside me? I’d love to know what? Is it because I’m smart? There are a lot of people smarter than me. I am no shit… Pretty depressing. So I kept crying. So then another thought came; he’s having a bitching fun without me. Not news here. But then I thought (and it was pretty hard) well, and if he’s not that good? Let’s think for a moment I’m not so shitty. He’s sad like me, how’s he?? And then I called him, again no answer. So then I thought, what if he’s worst than me? And well, how can this be worst??? And so tragic thoughts came to my mind, and it wasn’t pretty. So I did something I don’t know if it was right but I don’t regret it; I called his mom. Fortunately for me she picked the phone and well, she was pretty nice. Lovely woman. She was kinda surprised but not disgusted. She asked me how I was, and hell I felt so bad, didn’t realize until then that I missed her too!!! So I was like crying but trying not to sound so pathetic to her. But it was hard, I guess she noticed I was bad but she was very nice not saying anything about it. I told her I didn’t know about Hugo in a long time and I wanted to know if he was ok. She told me he was camping with a couple of friends (well, at least he’s not drunk in a bar!! … but who knows? yuck). She said she has not talked to him either, but well she was very calm, and I believe in that mother sense so I guess he’s ok too. I asked how she was, and she told me she was good. She asked about me and how I was, and well I didn’t answer –already crying- so I told her I’ve been here at home, and that I was glad she was ok. Well, so yay for me he’s ok. But damn for me I’m in hell. I wonder if he thought about me at all… and I go 9to10 that he didn’t thought about anything at all. Anyway I got dressed and I called Andrea and told her not to call me here cuz I was going out anyway and I was going to said to my parents that I was with her. She was ok and apologizing. No big deal, I don’t know how I made it to think for a second that I wasn’t alone. So I had little lunch –no hunger- and left alone to the park. I sat in the bricks where I saw him for the last time. In the same place we said goodbye, I waited. I can’t believe but I still have hope, that he calls me. I waited for a miracle to happen; I wished he would show up there just because. Well I waited for like 2 hours, no miracle. So there was too many weird people around so I took the TransM to go somewhere, didn’t really know where. And there was too many people there, don’t know why, so I ended up going down in a known station, and walked to Andino, I wanted to look for books on wicca and I got there before the rain. I looked in a weird store, mostly ignored by people cuz it’s all about candles and yoga and new age, but well, unfortunately found only a little space with slim shitty books about wicca. Sucky. So I left all sad. But well I was too damn worried cuz the city is empty (everybody’s out for the holy-shit week) and I felt all the times like followed and watched and shit. Hate this survival instinct. So I left and got wet because of the rain and came back home to damn early to find here my family. So having nothing left to do; with a damn headache I played rumiq with my mother, aunt and grandma. And hell, just like always I won. Yay for me, I had no money. They’ve just left and here I am, remembering the whole crappy day. Hugo’s mom said he’s coming back today… I can’t help but think about him again. Will he call me? I’m not sure. That will make me good? Don’t know either. Anyway, I’ll keep alive, not happy, everyday even crappier, but here.

Well, today was a good day -considering past days- you would be proud of me in the morning i wrote the palm blog and then post it on internet. i read wicca and started again my book of shadows. i learn a couple of important things; first i can be a witch without having inherited it (yay! that’s amazing, made me happy to know) and second, i must be in a very calm state of mind to start casting spells… well that’s not so good cuz my life right now is a complete chaos, but well, i rather wait because i don’t wanna have a bad beginning. so I’m more conscious now that it’s gonna take time. I spend little time on gaia cuz there’s nothing to do right now, and my slow connection makes it worst. I talked to George a little (G, thanks for your support, i wont forget ‘whatever floats your boat’ LOL!) After lunch i got online and met a nice girl that’s been practicing wicca for almost a year and it was great talking to her, she’s a good person, we even talked about our broken hearts, that was sweet… And something really unexpected happened; i met a guy through hi5. Actually he added me in msn, and we chat. He was a lot funny, mostly a dick but it was fun, and man I felt like wanted again, how pathetic is that?? But i did have a good time; he wanted to see my tits, what a dumbass!!! But made me laugh a lot, more than that, gave me something different to think about. His name is Arturo. He study arts in a public university, wich makes me think he possibly do drugs or is wacko somehow… But who knows?? But also that tells me he’s talented and soul driven, that’s good. i saw him on cam and well, not bad. Got a sexy mouth. And nice chest, well a common one (not like he’s a sporty edonist). He saw me on cam too (funny spot: ‘what’s dev days??’ LOL) he’s a dick i guess cuz he didn’t say i was pretty or something ;S but he said: ‘i really wanted to see them badly’ ROTLMAO!!!! Well, i never showed him anything, but i bet i stole some minutes of his life thinking about me, yay for me. After that i listened good old cds; korn, limp bizkit and radiohead. felt pretty good, felt strong. i guess he could never understand this, how much the music fills my life, but when i sing i do raise my energy, and well, choosing those cds was a great idea cuz i felt that energy again healing my broken body… so cool. yay for me again. In the late afternoon i tried calling nats, but she wasn’t at home, then john but he wasn’t either. so i did an unpredictable call. i called old good friend andrea and yay good news, she was at home. We talked for like 2 hours and we’re going to see each other tomorrow. that’s gonna be so good for me. So no more home and punishment for maclau it’s time to see the world again.

yesterday I couldn’t stand it anymore. I watched the matrix and cried. every song I listed reminded me of you and what we had… so I sent you a message, and you never replied. I waited long hours till night, (when I usually feel weaker and miss you too damn much)… so I called you and got a ‘voice mail’… I have two theories; either you left Bogotá and wherever you are there’s no signal, or you left Bogotá and let the cell phone turned off here. this morning I’m more convinced about the first one, because I called you again and got that damn voice mail but it was different, more like when the phone is off, yesterday it took some time to trash me to the damn voice mail. so. last night I cried a lot thinking about you. I imagined you in a bar with your friends, having fun, possibly drunk, talking shit about me… although I don’t think I’m that lucky… I guess you’re already meeting new people, girls following you around, wanting to be with you. that thoughts followed me and broke my heart to tiny little pieces. I don’t know how am I alive this fucking morning. I’m so alone. last night there was noone to hear me. noone who cared. I deleted the only friend I had on messenger cuz I noticed he’s tired of me. I don’t want that. I cried last night my soul out. I didn’t watch your picture; I didn’t talk to it anymore. instead, I begged you at whatever empty space for you to hear me to come back to me. and hell sure you didn’t listen. I fall asleep in my pain. I had a dream with you. I saw you in your suit with the yellow tie I gave you; we talked and hold hands again. we kissed and I felt like nothing has ever happened… I felt very peaceful… but I was beautiful, had big tight tits and a red cocktail dress and I was in some kind of weirdo contest and I sang a lovely song and I won cuz the main judge was Jaime’s mother and she was an expert I fashion and glamour… damn it was a freaky fucking dream… there’s no need to be smart to see that it was goddamn dream about what could be a perfect world for me. how much I hate my brain for tricking me like this. damn. well, I woke up this morning bored, but quiet again. I feel uncomfortable cuz yesterday I told my mother that I broke with Hugo… eww now I know that she knows, and so my father does, so they’ll be watching everything I do and say, and my face… waiting for the moment they can talk and say ‘your problems are not our fault, but you come here to throw your shit at us’… bla bla bla. if I’m strong enough to keep with the act I’ve been doing all these days that everything is perfect, they bring up something different always unexpected, maybe something like ‘you’re a liar don’t tell us the truth, who know if you ever had a boyfriend’ or some shit like that. so I’m here in my room, I’ve got some serious PMS and everything hurts. even my heart. I’m in sucha mess. I suck big time. I’m gonna stay here and complain a lot more. maybe I’ll read Wicca later; it’s the only thing that made me half happy and half strong yesterday.

last night i cried again. i got all desperate and added him to my msn messenger hoping he was online so i could beg him to come back. but he wasn’t. and i recovered my strength i don’t know how and i deleted him again. i called nats and it didn’t help that much. i called jaime and it wasn’t as conforting as i thought. i asked him if he hated me and he said he has a bitter taste about all this, but he’s just ok. i asked if he felt better knowing that my life suck big big time and he said no. so there i couldn’t confort myself in the thought of my pain being a punishment for the much that i hurt jaime. nope, it’s not like i’m getting rid of this karma so fast. i cryed in my bed again my soul out. then i talked to his picture again. and i felt better then again. i fell asleep after some random palm blog. really makes me feel better posting all this in my blog. writing down my soul it’s like exorcising this pain out my life. although it raining outside since last night. it was a hot night for me… I had dreams about him. about him being around me. in my dream we made love and felt him close again. but it was just a dream, it’s a bad wake up to feel empty again. today i’ll do nothing. there’s no real plans. i’m gonna stick around my computer a while, reading about wicca, playing fool games. maybe in the afternoon i’ll paint, although i dont feel all that creative and artistic so… i don’t know. i’m sure i don’t wanna see anybody, and i don’t wanna go out… but who knows? maybe my mind can change… laters

Random thoughts at random times… I wonder if you’re hearing their words to feel better… I find it incredible but rationally acceptable. my friends don’t talk about you at all. are yours talking shit about me? I wonder if you’re already looking for someone else. I wonder if you think about forgetting me with someone else… I find it incredible but rationally acceptable. I wish I could have someone to take me out of this place and introduce me interesting people… but that shit ain’t gonna happen. I know I’m good to be loved, but do I want to? can I get rid of this feelings quickly? can I forget those sweet dreams living with him, kissing his children, marring him, kissing him every morning in bed. making love entire nights…? if I can’t forget those, how am I supposed to forget that we could have been tripping together to celebrate our first year together in a few days?… I miss him too damn much. but I’ll try to remember that he got tired of me, and that’s why he left me. I was a spoiled crybaby, but he? he just got tired… I’ll try to remember that I cannot share my life with someone who cannot conceive to give everything to me and a ‘family’… I must remember that no matter how piece of shit I feel I DO live for the loved one, per se I deserve something better than ‘I’ll give you only somethings’… No matter how much you run away from your thoughts, they will always be following you and someday they’ll catch you. I’m better confronting them now.