What’s that mix-up of characteristic that make people perfect to be around the others? It’s about the planets? It’s the horoscope? What is it? It has to do with genes? With deja vu? Past lives? There has to be a key, I think I’ve spend my life looking for it. I think we all do. In the moment you start wondering what’s you kina of perfect man, what must a friend have to be the best one, when you walk into a bar and you choose who to talk to. And every time I feel like I’ve found it, i realize I’m so far from it. It really hurts big time when you realize it. I’ve put already so much efforts on it. I feel devastated. I feel like Jaime once described for me. I’m tired; I used all my strength and all my best to fight for him. To made him the perfect one. And hell, he’s not. He’s got this illusion in his head just like I do, but when real life kicks in it shows clearly in our faces that it’s not. We’re not perfect. I’m too immature to just *live with it*. And so he is, that he is not realizing what’s happening. But hell I’m in love. Just like Jaime was. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just life. I want someone to show up in my life and show me even more clearly if there’s a future with Hugo and to show him too that what’s been easy for him could be difficult, and that *that* things he find hard are piece of cake.just.when.in.love. But I am afraid that the answer is ‘keep living, there’s no end yet’… cuz I don’t wanna do this anymore. I love being in love, but if I loose it I don’t wanna do this again… Funny thing is that I’ve said that before. I said that I didn’t want to stop being me for being with someone else, but right now I’m doing it again. Can’t help it. I’m already weak. I keep asking for someone to take care of me, to be irrationally rational, to be the one that cares but has an amazing complex life, my personal superhero. if god exist, he’s laughing in my face. I want balance in my internal hell; I want too many things, that I think I won’t find it. Maybe not in a man. Maybe in a woman. Maybe in myself. Anyway if here, screwed again. Maybe I should buy a cat…. Or a dog?

Well. What’s up?
I’ve bought all the country projects i wanted. Thanks to Hugo cuz he gave me some money for the shopping.

I realized that I have 2 weeks left of vacations… Jan 17 I’ll be working and studying again.
That’s good, but hell… I start having this feeling that I wasted too much time being all depressed and fighting with Hugo and well, I’m here, trying to optimize my time to get to do everything I want.

So, I’m painting in the mornings and i plan to see Hugo every day in the afternoon.
Today we has a great time just relaxing, watching movies. We saw The Incredibles and Alien vs. Predator. Both great Then we went to McDonals cuz i have a pretty spoiled boy
I plan to cut my hair, dunno when, but it’ll be soon. I’ll cut it pretty short… well not much!
I told Hugo and he spend like 2 hours just combing my hair, too tender too sweet… but that’s not gonna stop me from cutting it! LOL.

Well, gotta go, cuz supposedly I’ll wake up early tomorrow, like 5:30 am or something

*HUGS* TOTAL!
give me more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own

i need them

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