i’m hungry it’s my last week in the Microsoft thingie. saturday and sunday it’s gonna be a loooooooong meeting. last night while having an argument with a guy who used to be my best-friend-of-the-moment i found i new trauma in myself. actually i found an answer to something that i felt. a feeling that keeps buggin’ me about the ms thingie and the so called friends that i meet there. i felt sad. disappointed. angry. frustrated. lot of things. i kept fighting with everyone, like i needed them to say that i was right and change… after thinking a lot about it i realiced the i’ve been doing an internal fight not to let myself fall into the same dark hole that my father’s in. i *do* wanna believe that good people is out there, that you can trust your friends… i don’t wanna isolate from the world waiting not to be hurted. i like talking to people because i hate thinking that i should just give up on them and leave arguments just there… that’s why i keep fighting with jean. i’m hurt. but i don’t wanna leave things like this. i really wanna know that he’s sorry and that he’s concious that he made a mistake and that he’s gonna change/whatever… but just because i don’t wanna give up on that issue and just forever think that ‘people sucks’… i don’t wanna be like my father. sounds idealistic, but i do believe in people. i think we’re not ‘bad’ or ‘good’ i think we made mistakes… but i wanna believe in the good soul… i mean, i’m not talking about the people with any mental dissorder, because i know they can’t have full control of themselves… i’m talking about the everyday people, most people around us. i believe that by nature you don’t wanna harm others… fool of me :S but i do wanna believe in that. i mean, i don’t trust everyone. but i like to trust the people that’s been around me for certain time… i dunno… it’s quite hard to accept that a friend is not like you thought. i’m rambling here… i’m trying to put it in the right words. i know it’s normal that people tends to act quite egoistical, but it’s hard to accept that from people you love. i dont know it’s weird it’s easier just say ‘people sucks, leave me alone’ and never trusting anyone at all again. but i don’t wanna be like that. i wanna understand it, and i wanna live with it. i wanna teach my children something better… i’d rather teach them ‘everyone has problems, everyone lives their own world in their heads, everyone has a different story and pains and happiness, friends can last long if both want it. friends can be temporal but still friends……’ than ‘trust no one, people sucks’ i don’t know… i really want to understand it., all i know is that i hate that selfish stubborn vision of the world and human beings.