I just have a chat with my boyfriend. “I used to be a butterfly that flied everywhere. Since I’m with you I haven’t used my wings. Now feel tied and I want to fly, but I can’t.” at least I find the right words to describe how I feel and all he answers is “I don’t get it”

Shit.

I remember I cried the day I first kissed J. I told him between my tears that he was going to cut my wings and put me in a cage and I would hate myself for let it happen.
WOW after all I’m a witch.

So hell yes, I’m in a f*cking cage. Without wings. I’m tied to him. I feel I’m in the best moment of my life, and I’m stuck in this situation.

So it’s just a simple decision; leave him and fly like you want so badly. Or stay with him, in the cage.
First option will be great for 10 minutes. After that I’ll feel so alone. And I’ll be losing the best man in the world. There would be nothing out there for me. No friends. No family. Nothing, because he’s everything to me.

Second option, I’ve been taking it day after day for the last 3 months. I’ll be so unhappy. Because I’ll be watching the world change, so many opportunities passing by, and I’ll stay singing in my cage, wishing I could be outside. Wanting to feel love again.

There’s no other option. There’s no grey for this black and white decision. I’ve bee trying gray the last 2 weeks. And it’s been so full of joy and pain. Tasting a little of the outside world still being in the cage… but it hurts in my heart.

So that’s it. What should I do? Being alone and free? Being with the man of my life but empty inside? Keep waiting for tomorrow to make it happen?

This would be the perfect world: J finally grows up. He realizes that he’s already a man and he must start living his life that goes beyond stupid computer games. And he does it and realizes that it’s great and enjoys it. He starts chasing his own dreams and goals and became successful. Being a mature man, he notices that he must let me go. That there are several things in this world that only can be enjoyed being separated. And realizes that the world isn’t over, it’s just a new beginning, and he’s a grown up now, he’s f*cking ready to face it. And we end this. With a promise of coming back after we live it all and we find that we are the perfect match and nothing else satisfy us in the world than each other, or letting us go forever knowing that we had such a great time together and that the world is so full of surprises that will keep us entertained enough to miss each other all that much.

I know I’m dreaming. But I want to believe that things will happen like this in the next 2 years. And then I’ll be so wasted that I’ll give a fuck about the world and the joy in it. I’ll be so sad for letting it happen that I’ll be unhappy for the rest of my life… ok it’s too sad. I promise I’ll try to keep my hope that this dreamy day will come, and I’ll be free. Alone. But free.

So what’s the role of H in all this rant? Well. It’s kind of hilarious. But if he ever falls in love with me, I will not wait 2 years to make a choice. I will run into his arms like an asshole, embracing a whole new life of pain. I will fly into another cage. Ain’t it funny? All I want is to be trapped again!!! LOL. Fu*king human nature!… but I’ll be so happy to do it. Because no matter how, I’ll be living again. I’ll be feeling love again. I will wake up in the morning and I’ll not be bored, I’ll be… alive.

Man, life is peachy.