So again. I’m here. Nothing to say. It’s like I want to talk but it’s just stuck on me.
Let’s check my thoughts… I wish you would call. I want to hear you, but we’ve been together for so long that I have nothing to talk about… never felt like this I think. I feel very much lost.

I can’t focus on my work… I don’t know why it is so hard to start with it.
I’m not really thinking of you. I’m like in a freeze frame of a cheap movie. I can’t take this ‘nothingness’ off my mind.

I want to be very close to you. But I don’t know. It’s not you what I want. You’re cold. I need a warm hug. Are you thinking of me? I don’t think so. I suppose you’re with one of your friends… are you talking about me? Nah, you’re definitely doing something else.

But what if you’re thinking of me right now… what would be I you mind right now? Would you be smiling o just staring at some lost point remembering? Have you told your friends already? It would be good or bad comments?

The thing is why I care so much about it. Maybe I just wanna feel special. I want to be part of your life. You’ve said I’m important for you… you’ve done things… but, I still can’t feel it… it’s been like that for ever. I remember that it’s been a huge problem for me… but why did I forget it?? Because of J? Yeah, I guess…

But I still want him to make me feel special. Why? Because it’s so just not like him? Yeah definitely. I want to know that he’s thinking of me. The phone just rang and my heart stopped because I wanted it to be you.

And you will not call. Not today, not tomorrow. Not the day after tomorrow. And I don’t know why I feel like this time it’s gonna hurt. Am I just imagining it? Or is it real? What the hell I feel about him?

It’s like I really wanna broke his heart or something… everyone wants to be loved isn’t it true? So it’s normal what I feel. But still makes me unhappy. Because after what happened today, I want to be with him “when the sun goes down”… he might be at some bar drinking… is he thinking of me?

I can’t understand this…

It’s funny how i can’t really define what am i feeling.
Maybe i’m just tired and i don’t feel anything at all, but deep inside i wanna feel; a victim, used, in love…. whatever… just feel… but i feel tired and undoubtly… alone

i cannot understand the expression on his face… i think to myself i should just accept the most simplistic answer: it means nothing, he feels nothing.
But my woman nature makes me think… wish…. hope… that it’s not just that…. why?…. why am i always wanting to make it even more complicated??

i don’t know…

all i know is that i’m alone in my room, lonely in my heart, feelin emptier everytime, wanting more, and more and more, until, i don’t know what in hell should i do to stop this.

Have lots of work, but no intentions on doing anything but keeping this thoughts in my head…. his face in my mind… that simple meaningless expression, those beautifull eyes that want to say so many things but remain still, always under-f*cking-control… but still to full to ignore… like his soul… like him…

or maybe he’s just a jerk and i’m obssesed?? maybe. but what a wonderfull jerk to make me feel so many things… no. for making me *want* to feel so many things…

I’m traped in this place.