Here i am
useless again.

I feels soo sad. Like this emptiness inside that’s growing so much and it’s killing me. feel anger, sadness, like i just wanna die.

I’m so worthless… i haven’t feel like this in a long time… being with J made me forget this feeling.

I have no friends, no family, no one. I’m alone. and my life is worthless, why should i be important?? if i have no one to care about me… J just called… he’s always the only one that cares… but it’s no enough for him to be the perfect one for me…

There’s no perfect one actually… but it’s too bad to wish to be loved the people i love?? and i’m not asking that they all fall in love with me, i just want this people to care about me… ok, i want *him* to care about me… not just because i care about him, it’s because i need it.

I need to know that everything i do is worth… i want to feel that every second i’ve spent worrying about him, thinking about him, wishing him well, trying to make him happy at least a second is worth… is that too much?

Is too much ask him to *feel* at least pitty… but he just don’t give a fuck.
i’m here, dying alone, feeling this pain, and he does not give a fuck.. he must be asleep. or staring at the ceilig of his bedroom, thinking about himself, because there’s nothing else in his mind than him, and his work, and his… and his… and his…

it’s so sad. i’m alone in my room crying.
because nobody cares about me. at least not enough. i wish i could die right now. throw all this shit away. nobody will miss me. it will never happen. i will die and no one will care, no one will remember me, no one will cry… well maybe J. but why it’s not enough??

i feel just like i used to feel before kissing J… it’s just that it’s not M anymore, now it’s about H… LOL. that’s so pathetic…

so fuck off everybody. i wanna die. i wanna die. i wanna die. what are you gonna do? fuck off. nobody cares.

I guess this is it.
It’s over… kinda definitelly.
It hurts… but i don’t feel all that bad. I’ll be really sad maybe tomorrow… but now, i’m ok. I know he’s gonna be fine as soon as he realices that breaking up was the best choice for us.

I will always love his sweet voice and warm smile. I hope this tears leave soon cuz it’s a difficult time… and i need to be focused on my work.

I just have a chat with my boyfriend. “I used to be a butterfly that flied everywhere. Since I’m with you I haven’t used my wings. Now feel tied and I want to fly, but I can’t.” at least I find the right words to describe how I feel and all he answers is “I don’t get it”

Shit.

I remember I cried the day I first kissed J. I told him between my tears that he was going to cut my wings and put me in a cage and I would hate myself for let it happen.
WOW after all I’m a witch.

So hell yes, I’m in a f*cking cage. Without wings. I’m tied to him. I feel I’m in the best moment of my life, and I’m stuck in this situation.

So it’s just a simple decision; leave him and fly like you want so badly. Or stay with him, in the cage.
First option will be great for 10 minutes. After that I’ll feel so alone. And I’ll be losing the best man in the world. There would be nothing out there for me. No friends. No family. Nothing, because he’s everything to me.

Second option, I’ve been taking it day after day for the last 3 months. I’ll be so unhappy. Because I’ll be watching the world change, so many opportunities passing by, and I’ll stay singing in my cage, wishing I could be outside. Wanting to feel love again.

There’s no other option. There’s no grey for this black and white decision. I’ve bee trying gray the last 2 weeks. And it’s been so full of joy and pain. Tasting a little of the outside world still being in the cage… but it hurts in my heart.

So that’s it. What should I do? Being alone and free? Being with the man of my life but empty inside? Keep waiting for tomorrow to make it happen?

This would be the perfect world: J finally grows up. He realizes that he’s already a man and he must start living his life that goes beyond stupid computer games. And he does it and realizes that it’s great and enjoys it. He starts chasing his own dreams and goals and became successful. Being a mature man, he notices that he must let me go. That there are several things in this world that only can be enjoyed being separated. And realizes that the world isn’t over, it’s just a new beginning, and he’s a grown up now, he’s f*cking ready to face it. And we end this. With a promise of coming back after we live it all and we find that we are the perfect match and nothing else satisfy us in the world than each other, or letting us go forever knowing that we had such a great time together and that the world is so full of surprises that will keep us entertained enough to miss each other all that much.

I know I’m dreaming. But I want to believe that things will happen like this in the next 2 years. And then I’ll be so wasted that I’ll give a fuck about the world and the joy in it. I’ll be so sad for letting it happen that I’ll be unhappy for the rest of my life… ok it’s too sad. I promise I’ll try to keep my hope that this dreamy day will come, and I’ll be free. Alone. But free.

So what’s the role of H in all this rant? Well. It’s kind of hilarious. But if he ever falls in love with me, I will not wait 2 years to make a choice. I will run into his arms like an asshole, embracing a whole new life of pain. I will fly into another cage. Ain’t it funny? All I want is to be trapped again!!! LOL. Fu*king human nature!… but I’ll be so happy to do it. Because no matter how, I’ll be living again. I’ll be feeling love again. I will wake up in the morning and I’ll not be bored, I’ll be… alive.

Man, life is peachy.

So again. I’m here. Nothing to say. It’s like I want to talk but it’s just stuck on me.
Let’s check my thoughts… I wish you would call. I want to hear you, but we’ve been together for so long that I have nothing to talk about… never felt like this I think. I feel very much lost.

I can’t focus on my work… I don’t know why it is so hard to start with it.
I’m not really thinking of you. I’m like in a freeze frame of a cheap movie. I can’t take this ‘nothingness’ off my mind.

I want to be very close to you. But I don’t know. It’s not you what I want. You’re cold. I need a warm hug. Are you thinking of me? I don’t think so. I suppose you’re with one of your friends… are you talking about me? Nah, you’re definitely doing something else.

But what if you’re thinking of me right now… what would be I you mind right now? Would you be smiling o just staring at some lost point remembering? Have you told your friends already? It would be good or bad comments?

The thing is why I care so much about it. Maybe I just wanna feel special. I want to be part of your life. You’ve said I’m important for you… you’ve done things… but, I still can’t feel it… it’s been like that for ever. I remember that it’s been a huge problem for me… but why did I forget it?? Because of J? Yeah, I guess…

But I still want him to make me feel special. Why? Because it’s so just not like him? Yeah definitely. I want to know that he’s thinking of me. The phone just rang and my heart stopped because I wanted it to be you.

And you will not call. Not today, not tomorrow. Not the day after tomorrow. And I don’t know why I feel like this time it’s gonna hurt. Am I just imagining it? Or is it real? What the hell I feel about him?

It’s like I really wanna broke his heart or something… everyone wants to be loved isn’t it true? So it’s normal what I feel. But still makes me unhappy. Because after what happened today, I want to be with him “when the sun goes down”… he might be at some bar drinking… is he thinking of me?

I can’t understand this…

It’s funny how i can’t really define what am i feeling.
Maybe i’m just tired and i don’t feel anything at all, but deep inside i wanna feel; a victim, used, in love…. whatever… just feel… but i feel tired and undoubtly… alone

i cannot understand the expression on his face… i think to myself i should just accept the most simplistic answer: it means nothing, he feels nothing.
But my woman nature makes me think… wish…. hope… that it’s not just that…. why?…. why am i always wanting to make it even more complicated??

i don’t know…

all i know is that i’m alone in my room, lonely in my heart, feelin emptier everytime, wanting more, and more and more, until, i don’t know what in hell should i do to stop this.

Have lots of work, but no intentions on doing anything but keeping this thoughts in my head…. his face in my mind… that simple meaningless expression, those beautifull eyes that want to say so many things but remain still, always under-f*cking-control… but still to full to ignore… like his soul… like him…

or maybe he’s just a jerk and i’m obssesed?? maybe. but what a wonderfull jerk to make me feel so many things… no. for making me *want* to feel so many things…

I’m traped in this place.

Shockwave.com - Collapse II
all work and no play make Maclau a dull girl

Happy B-day Hugo!
hope you have a nice day and no hangover
LOL

Microsoft fires worker over weblog

Very interesting… note to self: don’t take pictures at work

That’s so… significant. Thanks ‘Andres Linares’