it is known. it is true. it’s in songs and human logic. you must not beg for love. you must not beg to be loved by anyone.

i guess because love is something you just feel or don’t.

i used to believe that also love is earned and grown like a plant. is something you take care of like a baby.

but it is also true that love doesn’t exist.

what i feel about you, i think is love, but if it doesn’t exist… then what is it?

weakness of my personality? I’m just too obsessed with you?

i have no idea. but whatever i feel inside, burns me, hurts me, fills me with joy and sadness.

i burn by a simple touch of your hand. it’s just your finger caressing my hand, but i feel like all the strength is taken away from my body. like i could die just from that touch. i feel like that simple action, that finger is touching me everywhere at the same time. it’s overwhelming.

it hurts when i look into your eyes and i don’t see my feelings reflected back. i hurts when i come down to earth and remember you don’t love me. you care like a good friend. but in your lack of experience and lack of whatever, you are just what you can do with little effort, but that’s all.

it fills me with joy when i see when you’re trying hard to be nice, to be there for me, when you try to take care of me. when you put me names and laugh at my stupid jokes. but at the same time it makes me sad, because you shouldn’t try so hard, it must be something that comes from the heart, but in your case it doesn’t. it’s sad to realize that you do what any good friend does, and that’s all.

i imagine a thousand of happy endings for this thing that we have –or not-… but that’s exactly the point. “there’s nothing here”. nothing happen between us. we’re just friends and that’s all.

i shouldn’t beg for love, but I’ve worked hard for it. and i failed. i did everything i could to earn your love, and all i got was your friendship. friendship i already had.

and I’m left empty. i gave what i could with the strength i had. it wasn’t my fullest because i still don’t give my fullest if I’m not loved back and for a long time. but i did a lot. A WHOLE FRAKING LOT. and it was worthless. I’m empty. I’ve poured all my being into this.

and i feel like i could still do so much more, but my brain is doing me the favor to make me stop and not make me destroy myself for this.

you don’t love me. you care. that’s sweet. but I’m not enough and your feeling is not enough. we’ll be friends forever. but right now i need to stay away from you to forget this feeling of love or whatever it is. then we’ll be back as the pretty cool friends we are.

so here i am. trying to look everything from the outside. trying to look at you with the same eyes everyone else does. trying to see the obvious and the superficial. you’re just a kid living in it’s own world, with his own preoccupations.

I’m a woman. with my own problems in the head. we’re not good to each other.

you pity me. you feel basic friendship care. but mostly, you don’t know what to do about me.

you pretend to be sad about what’s happening right now. but you actually feel relieved. that you don’t have to work so hard anymore and care so much about me because I’m taking a distance.

you soon enough are gonna be taking care of your own problems, and quickly forgetting that this ever happened. a very few times you’ll remember me and maybe miss my “selfless” acts for you, but you’ll quickly get over it because it never felt like something you need, but more like a commitment you never wanted to engage.

goodbye my love, my heart is broken, but my brain is trying to save me from this pain, so I’m taking the chance.

over and sadly out.

so.

Monday: got the news that i have to leave the place I’m living in. i have to find a place for myself. i won’t get any more help from the company i work for. it’s ok. they’ve been good enough with me i guess. they asked me if i wanted to go back to my city or stay. i want to stay because the quality of life here is good. but the truth is i have nothing here. or in my city. I’m alone and i have nothing to hold on to. I’m left homeless and i don’t even own a bed. instead i own a lot of debts.

Tuesday: i went to the doctor. ob/gyn. i may be sick. i don’t know. i have to take some tests and wait for the result. I’m taking them on Saturday. i don’t feel so good about it.

Wednesday: the persona that’s been living with me for the past 2 days has been moved to another flat. meaning he’s gonna stay a lot more time with the help of the company. so it’s true and imminent, I’m gonna be kicked out at the end of March.

so. i guess that’s real life, but the thing is i don’t feel strong enough to handle it all. i have no money security. i have nothing. i have no family. and i’m questioning about my friends. i have no friends here. i’m brokenhearted over a boy, and it’s the silliest thing, but that makes me feel more lonely.

i feel like i need support but i have none. because noone sees this like a big deal. and what can i say? i don’t know if it’s a big deal anymore. it feels to me like my life is falling apart. i know people go through this all the time, but i just don’t want to. i don’t feel strong enough.

i hate the popular thinking, like “this is just a test”, like you have to pass it… i don’t do tests. i don’t pass tests. i just don’t want to fight. i’ll do what i can what what i have. i know i’ll have to live this, there’s no way to cheat destiny or this “test” as i usually do. so i’ll just go by without thinking… at least i’ll try.

i just wish i had someone to give me a hand through this. to care. to give it the importance it has.

anyway. i won’t be all that lucky to just have cancer and die. i’ll live. i’ll have a pathetic disease and that’s all. i’ll move to a shithole, and i’ll stil be alone. like, for ever… at least in the shithole i’ll have my cat.

over and fucking out.

dear blog.

this is one of those entries where I’m crying my heart out.

I’m in pain. in my heart. i felt it break when he just said “forget it”.

we had such an amazing weekend together. he’s got a good heart and a good soul.

it went all pretty good.

but then it happened. reality bites you hard in the ass. i got sick and not really in the fuck buddy mood. i felt that i needed him as a friend, as a man, not just the fuck buddy, but someone to treat me softly and take care of me.

and he ran away. it’s amazing how fast he can run out of my apartment. I’ve seen him ran like this the first time we spent a night together. and tonight he ran again, because i tried honesty and openness.

i just say called the truth to our face and is that i do not inspire him any feelings that would make him be soft, tender or caring with me. he just does not love me. simple as that.

and the truth is that i do care too much for him. i think i love him. it’s the only reason this hurts too much. i don’t know for sure, but what i do know is that if i do, i love him for the wrong reasons.

i know it’s like we’re meant to be together. we’ve always been just lonely and smart enough to have fun.

i know I’m obsessed because i can’t get over the fact that he’s so unreachable; that “us” is just something is not gonna happen because he doesn’t love me. he doesn’t find me attractive at all. there’s maybe a weird chemistry, but that’s all. and if i just insist enough to get him to love me, it’s gonna be a complete mess.

still, i have fun with him, all until my walls come down; either because of my mood swings, i feel sick or i get too close to him… so that happened today and it’s a mess.

he left me crying, and probably tomorrow we’ll act as if nothing ever happened. but i know i have to end it now. i can’t keep doing this to myself. i have to get him out of my heart and my head. because i don’t want to feel this pain anymore. i don’t want to feel hope over something that’s just in my imagination.

i have to kill it. now. because i cannot let it grow in me anymore. i cannot let it keep screwing with my head and my body.

over and out

stealing ideas from The x-files, all we are is random living beings, living on a rock that drifts without destination in space.

all we want is to feel like we belong. like we belong to something true and transcendent. for what we consider is good. good for the truth.

that draws the lines between “normal people”, emos, metal heads, Satanists, Christians, drunks, drug addicts, all of us.

it’s not that we’re trying to run away from problems, or cease the pain cause by those problems. we’re trying to cease the pain of not belonging.

that thing that we feel missing that makes us sad or depressed, is the belonging.

everyone does belong to a family. given by blood parents or adopting parents or institutions that raised us up. whatever it is is a family. but sometimes, that family is something you’re not proud to belong to. because it’s imperfections crosses that line of “good in truth”, i mean, that family is not doing the good thing for what you believe is truth.

so it begins there, you belong there but you don’t want to belong there, so you build your life to belong to something else. and you’ll always be a ‘freak’ because you don’t belong to a family.

“normal” people always have a family to go back to for Christmas or the end of the world. “freaks” does not.

even if you’re one of those people that hates labels, you feel proud of any of them.

everyone is looking for a label to make them proud.

because that label is your belonging. that label is what you are. what haves your back. what gives you comfort. what makes the pain go away. what brings satisfaction.

so here i am. not belonging. i belong to the internet geeks. but not so much.

what happen when you’re unable to fill what’s needed to belong?

what happen to someone like me, that’s not committed enough to belong?

why can’t i commit?

because i am weak. and easily distracted.

because i’m struggling between the need to belong and the hate of labels.

so i’ just want to go back to the first thought, why do we need to belong? why is life so meaningless without belonging?

why is “belonging to yourself” not enough? because no one can see that? why do we struggle to be seen and respected? or otherwise, but anyway just be part of something?

that, i don’t know. and i would love to find out.

over and depressingly out.

yeah i know it’s a little too late, but i think it’s better late than never.

These are the things i want to accomplish for 2009:

1. Wake up early every day: No excuse, i want to establish a routine to always get up early. i had it before, i want it back. it’s so good because i’m so productive in the mornings, my energy levels are up so i gotta use that on my advantage.
2. Visit the doctor: so i want to use that new medical insurance and visit all the doctors i’ve been neglecting. not that i hope to hear good or bad news in particular. actually i expect to be punished for years of free living. i just want to make sure i’ll be a healthy mom someday. it doesn’t makes much sense to me now. i did when i was committed. now that i’m single and depressed it’s just stupid, but anyway… at least i want my skin to be back the pretty way it was…
3. Work on the damn websites: yeah i know, i made this resolution last year, and worked for like a month and then forgot it the other 11 months… i know. but i wanna try again. i love my blog so much. and i love my sites. i’m having more problems with designing as time passes, my little bit “talent” is fading away… but still i wanna try. so i want to change design again, reorganize blogs and all web services i have spread around. and that’s is.
4. Stick to a saving plan and pay debts: i’m not good saving money. i never have been. but this year i’m supposed to be able to live on my own so i want to make things good to go. i don’t want to be like today… hungry and foodless (if there’s such a word). so basically i want to save money, and pay debts, at the same time :S it’s hard but i gotta do it. i have to stop living from credit cards and loans. i have to get enough money to pay for my bed, freezer, etc. gotta plan that but privately, not in my blog
5. control expenses: i’m the queen of spending money! i have to do it in a controlled way this year. i have a couple of xbox games, a zune and new clothes… but i need to plan those things, i can’t just buy them whenever i feel to… i mean, i can and i love it! i hate to put restrictions on myself, but i gotta do it if i really want to have my own home this year… so i’ll include the fun stuff in my saving plan… let’s see when i’ll get it.
6. get my own place: so i don’t know when, sometimes i think by july, sometimes i think by december, i’ll know for sure after the save plan, but i’ll get to be in my own place this year!!! i want to have my space, my own cat, and my own furniture so the cat can ruin it and i just laugh about it. and i’ll get it baby!! i’m gonna do it damnit!!

that’s it. simple. nothing about anyone. all about me. why? because i have to do it that way. i’ve been in the balance of caring about other, and not. and failing. always. when i want to be more given to others i fail them all. when i wanted to be selfish, i failed myself. so i’ll just cut the crap and try to be a better, more stable person myself to be better to anyone on 2010.

i’m not talking about my emotional wrack, i’m concerned about my economical stability, because i don’t want to drag the few people i care into it. i don’t want them to know i don’t have food in my kitchen. i don’t want to borrow money from them anymore. just get what i can with what i have. that’s all.

the emotional pain… well. i’ve tried to fight depression, i’ve fallen deep into it, i’ve been happy. and the thing is, i’m still alive. so i don’t want to control that, i can’t control that. i just want to keep going on in a descent way. that’s all, on the way i’ll see how i fix my own train rack.

————–xoxoxoxoxoxox———xoxoxoxoxoxox————–

Quick review of Last year’s resolutions:

1. Keep working. Actually, work harder. i did work. not harder anyway. so, failed.
2. Finally throw away the crap from the old house. i started living in another city, so the boxes are still there, i just haven’t seen them in a year :S. Failed, but not really my fault.
3. Revamp my websites. Half did it. i mean, i started and never finished as usual. i didn’t spent quality time on them… i really should. failed.
4. I want to take acting classes. never came back to my city, and since living in the unknown, i didn’t took those classes… so failed, but not feeling bad about it.
5. I’ll pay my debts. failed big time. i paid a huge debt to a friend. and that makes me feel good about myself. but i kept spending more and never saving. failed big time.
6. I’ll take my medication non stop. nop, i didn’t do this either… i didn’t want to, depression was to big on me. i did while i was in a relationship, but not anymore. i haven’t felt like i need them though. i’ve been sad, but i’ve been handling it better i guess… i don’t know well, i’ll explore that on another blog post. so far, failed btu don’t really care.
7. I’ll try to be friendly. ok, it worked for like 4 months, then i got brokenhearted and it died. i let myself be the same. it was great while it lasted. maybe i’ll pick that up some other year. half failed.
8. I’ll try to buy new clothes every month. SO FRAKING FAILED. i didn’t do it. i didn’t got the money to do it. and never really looked forward to it. i bought some stuff, but not much, and not so fancy. some of it. and just did it once!. gotta do it this year somehow. but not monthly, just sometime again. failed.
9. i’ll try to have a more relaxed attitude. actually, the one i thought i couldn’t get, i did. hahaha i’ve been more relaxed, but it’s been more like an ‘i don’t give a fuck’. it hasn’t been all that good. it’s been ups and downs. but i’m fine. i’m not sure if i like it. but ok. on the personal field… i haven’t been all that relaxed… actually i finished a lot of friendships. but i don’t feel bad about it. i think it was about time to do it. so half accomplished.

i don’t feel bad for all the things i didn’t do. most of them, i won’t take them this year. so i’m ok.

over and out.

to all the friends that hurt me, happy new year.

yes you hurt me. neglecting me.

i’m sick and lonely on new years’s eve. i’m trying to work but i really don’t feel good.

i have no new year’s resolution because right now i feel like absolute shit.

i feel alone. and there’s not a single friend that cares.

they say they love me. but they are not gonna save me. no one is gonna spend new year’s eve with me

i’m so sad i really wanna call someone. i really want a friend right now. but i’m afraid to call because i know no one is gonna do anything for me. they can’t stand me being sad. no one is gonna leave their families or friends and run to help me.

i just want to take a bunch of pills and don’t get to breath on 2009.

If i still were heartbroken, i would definitely sing this song for you.