yeah i know it’s a little too late, but i think it’s better late than never.

These are the things i want to accomplish for 2009:

1. Wake up early every day: No excuse, i want to establish a routine to always get up early. i had it before, i want it back. it’s so good because i’m so productive in the mornings, my energy levels are up so i gotta use that on my advantage.
2. Visit the doctor: so i want to use that new medical insurance and visit all the doctors i’ve been neglecting. not that i hope to hear good or bad news in particular. actually i expect to be punished for years of free living. i just want to make sure i’ll be a healthy mom someday. it doesn’t makes much sense to me now. i did when i was committed. now that i’m single and depressed it’s just stupid, but anyway… at least i want my skin to be back the pretty way it was…
3. Work on the damn websites: yeah i know, i made this resolution last year, and worked for like a month and then forgot it the other 11 months… i know. but i wanna try again. i love my blog so much. and i love my sites. i’m having more problems with designing as time passes, my little bit “talent” is fading away… but still i wanna try. so i want to change design again, reorganize blogs and all web services i have spread around. and that’s is.
4. Stick to a saving plan and pay debts: i’m not good saving money. i never have been. but this year i’m supposed to be able to live on my own so i want to make things good to go. i don’t want to be like today… hungry and foodless (if there’s such a word). so basically i want to save money, and pay debts, at the same time :S it’s hard but i gotta do it. i have to stop living from credit cards and loans. i have to get enough money to pay for my bed, freezer, etc. gotta plan that but privately, not in my blog
5. control expenses: i’m the queen of spending money! i have to do it in a controlled way this year. i have a couple of xbox games, a zune and new clothes… but i need to plan those things, i can’t just buy them whenever i feel to… i mean, i can and i love it! i hate to put restrictions on myself, but i gotta do it if i really want to have my own home this year… so i’ll include the fun stuff in my saving plan… let’s see when i’ll get it.
6. get my own place: so i don’t know when, sometimes i think by july, sometimes i think by december, i’ll know for sure after the save plan, but i’ll get to be in my own place this year!!! i want to have my space, my own cat, and my own furniture so the cat can ruin it and i just laugh about it. and i’ll get it baby!! i’m gonna do it damnit!!

that’s it. simple. nothing about anyone. all about me. why? because i have to do it that way. i’ve been in the balance of caring about other, and not. and failing. always. when i want to be more given to others i fail them all. when i wanted to be selfish, i failed myself. so i’ll just cut the crap and try to be a better, more stable person myself to be better to anyone on 2010.

i’m not talking about my emotional wrack, i’m concerned about my economical stability, because i don’t want to drag the few people i care into it. i don’t want them to know i don’t have food in my kitchen. i don’t want to borrow money from them anymore. just get what i can with what i have. that’s all.

the emotional pain… well. i’ve tried to fight depression, i’ve fallen deep into it, i’ve been happy. and the thing is, i’m still alive. so i don’t want to control that, i can’t control that. i just want to keep going on in a descent way. that’s all, on the way i’ll see how i fix my own train rack.

————–xoxoxoxoxoxox———xoxoxoxoxoxox————–

Quick review of Last year’s resolutions:

1. Keep working. Actually, work harder. i did work. not harder anyway. so, failed.
2. Finally throw away the crap from the old house. i started living in another city, so the boxes are still there, i just haven’t seen them in a year :S. Failed, but not really my fault.
3. Revamp my websites. Half did it. i mean, i started and never finished as usual. i didn’t spent quality time on them… i really should. failed.
4. I want to take acting classes. never came back to my city, and since living in the unknown, i didn’t took those classes… so failed, but not feeling bad about it.
5. I’ll pay my debts. failed big time. i paid a huge debt to a friend. and that makes me feel good about myself. but i kept spending more and never saving. failed big time.
6. I’ll take my medication non stop. nop, i didn’t do this either… i didn’t want to, depression was to big on me. i did while i was in a relationship, but not anymore. i haven’t felt like i need them though. i’ve been sad, but i’ve been handling it better i guess… i don’t know well, i’ll explore that on another blog post. so far, failed btu don’t really care.
7. I’ll try to be friendly. ok, it worked for like 4 months, then i got brokenhearted and it died. i let myself be the same. it was great while it lasted. maybe i’ll pick that up some other year. half failed.
8. I’ll try to buy new clothes every month. SO FRAKING FAILED. i didn’t do it. i didn’t got the money to do it. and never really looked forward to it. i bought some stuff, but not much, and not so fancy. some of it. and just did it once!. gotta do it this year somehow. but not monthly, just sometime again. failed.
9. i’ll try to have a more relaxed attitude. actually, the one i thought i couldn’t get, i did. hahaha i’ve been more relaxed, but it’s been more like an ‘i don’t give a fuck’. it hasn’t been all that good. it’s been ups and downs. but i’m fine. i’m not sure if i like it. but ok. on the personal field… i haven’t been all that relaxed… actually i finished a lot of friendships. but i don’t feel bad about it. i think it was about time to do it. so half accomplished.

i don’t feel bad for all the things i didn’t do. most of them, i won’t take them this year. so i’m ok.

over and out.

to all the friends that hurt me, happy new year.

yes you hurt me. neglecting me.

i’m sick and lonely on new years’s eve. i’m trying to work but i really don’t feel good.

i have no new year’s resolution because right now i feel like absolute shit.

i feel alone. and there’s not a single friend that cares.

they say they love me. but they are not gonna save me. no one is gonna spend new year’s eve with me

i’m so sad i really wanna call someone. i really want a friend right now. but i’m afraid to call because i know no one is gonna do anything for me. they can’t stand me being sad. no one is gonna leave their families or friends and run to help me.

i just want to take a bunch of pills and don’t get to breath on 2009.

If i still were heartbroken, i would definitely sing this song for you.

 

well it was a fine xmas until… i called my family.

i tried to talk to my father but he refused to talk to me on the phone.

made my mother cry and made me cry too.

I’m really sorry for my mother. she doesn’t want to let go of me. she doesn’t want to loose me.

the thing is, that she already knows that she did, because of my father, as it happened with my brother. so she cries. because she’s not strong enough to oppose to him.

so i cry. i know how it was when my brother left. endless days and nights talking shit about him, crying. my father talking shit about all the things wrong with him. insulting him. and my mother just crying. until one day, he finally finished the brainwash on her. and she stopped crying. and started to agree.

it took long. but he did it.

after that, she got over it and somehow they both did and then he got married, then the baby and now they are a happy family.

now it’s my turn. not that i wanted or planned it like this. but it happened when on my birthday he refused to talk to me because i spent the night somewhere else…

so i imagine. all that shit happening all over again. his evil ways, brainwashing my mother.

somehow i’m glad, because it will make her forget the stupid pain and start to hate me more or something. turn sadness into anger. into whatever he wants to brainwash her.

i really don’t care. i mean. i care about her. it’s more like pity. like she’s a mother married with a complete bastard, and she’s alone.

sorry mother. you’re actually nice. you’re actually cute and sweet. you don’t really deserve all the shit you’ve been through in your life. none of it.because you’re kinda nice. thinking of you makes me cry. because you’re that person that exist in my life just to remind me what a piece of shit i am, how i do not deserve anything good just because you’re there and unhappy and i make you miserable. not recently but mostly all my FUCKING life. a life you brought to this world. so i could say it’s your fraking fault. you wanted me to exist, you just didn’t expect to have such an awful evil bitch like me. i’m sorry mother.

you know what’s worse? i’m so aware of it and i can’t do anything about it. because you’re tied to that man. that man that only sees the worse of me, and makes me that.

if you were alone, i would be on xmas with you mother. it’s you the one i called everyday. it’s you the one i call from time to time. if there’s anything good in me at all, it comes from my grandmother and you. if i’m weak it comes from you too. and i don’t know if i thank you for that or not.

mother you’ve hurt me too. when i was little and you sided with my brother, and made it always my fault in front of my father. when you never raised a hand for me, but you always protected you older son. mother you hurted me when you gave that man the reason. sometimes he just wasn’t right.

but i guess in the same way you still somehow care about me and cry because i’m not there, i do care about you too. and i’m really sorry to see the life you had to live.

i’m glad you have a grandson now to cheer you up. i hope you enjoy that.

but the thing is. the man that it’s my father, and hates me and dislikes me and bears pain and regret over me, i do not want to see that man again. i don’t want to cry because of him again. unfortunately i cannot erase him of my life without erasing you too somehow. because if i want to see you it’s gonna be hard with him around. i don’t know. i’ll handle it. but i won’t be going back home, mother.

i’m not coming back. i’m sorry.

he likes to play chess with me. that evil man likes to make moves and he’s so sure he knows what i will do, so he always wins. mother, this is a move he knows i’m gonna do, and i’m sure he’s been preparing you/brainwashing you for that. and i’m sorry. i don’t want to make a different move. i don’t want to surprise him. i don’t want to make an effort.

whatever i do, i’m gonna loose. to myself or to him. and i rather NOT lose to myself.

so i’m not coming back. not this time.

i’m not sorry for whatever brought us to this moment. i’m not sorry for anything i’ve done except but to be born. but since it was out of my control, everything else i do not regret. I’m NOT sorry for not coming back. I AM sorry that it’s gonna make you sad and hurt.

so, here’s my new year’s resolutions warmup: I’m finally moving on my own.

 

over and out.

so, i’m at home alone.

ok, it’s not really my home. it’s just the place where i live. is the roof and the doors that have been keeping me safe from the outside.

i’ve cried here, i’ve laughed here. i’ve fucked here.

i’ve made it my home, even if it’s been temporal. don’t know for how long but i’ve been ok.

anyway, that’s not the real point. the point is, it’s xmas night. i’m on my own here. i’m ok. i’m fine, i’m actually good

it’s just another day. i felt a little down for a brief second. it was actually when i was talking to old friends in bogota. but then i felt good again

i’m apparently great while i’m alone, or far away from all that drama history. looks like i’ve been denying myself the pleasure to move on. to REALLY move on.

so i’m having a great time

ok back to the point.

what to do on xmas night, when you’re living your first authentic xmas?

ok. somehow, same as i’ve always done:

* be online.

* check social-community sites

* listen to music

* blog about it

* sleep when i feel tired

anyway. merry xmas everyone (one) readers!

over and out!

so. i have to post on my current situation because i need to get this out of my system.

single life’s been good so far. reminding myself of what crazy life is about.

i’ve got a brand new Xbox 360 Elite. and i’ve got Rock Band 2 Special Edition. So i’m rocking my days with it.

So that helped A LOT. I’m happy with it.

I’ve been discovering some people… ok let’s be honest, i’m mostly “concerned” about this special someone i already met some time ago. the thing is that some people are too complex to decipher what does it all mean. is it friendship? is there chemistry? is nothing? anyway. i didn’t let that trouble my mind since i was committed and stuff. but somehow this someone has been there for me in a weird common way, all the time, good and bad. am i making it all up?? just not to feel lonely??

i thought so. then something more happened. i didn’t do anything. he made the first move. so ok, i just followed. then we talked it through and it meant nothing. ok. broke my heart a little but took it in like a big girl and kept going on with my life.

but then, it’s been going on again and again. and i think is meaningless. i try to keep that in mind all the time. but then i’m so silly and i’m just a woman.

not that i’m high on hopes. i’m just having a good time. how can it mean anything if we talk about anything and all the things i do? and he doesn’t even mention a thing??

so it’s just passing the time. 2 lonely people passing time. i’m not making it a big deal, but i’m still blogging about it… so what is it? what do i want it to be? and what does he want it to be?… for him nothing. for me…. nothing. it’s wrong and it’s not really gonna be good. there’s a difference, there are a lot of differences.

whatever it is, i had a great weekend. i risked so much, but i’m assuming the consequences… no big deal.

let’s see what happens next

So, it’s ironic that in this moment of my life, the latest album of Kylie Minogue is stuck in my head and my heart, when it’s clearly the soundtrack of love.

it means a lot to me, that wonderful concert with my (then)boyfriend. filling our bodies and souls with the magic of kylie, her presence, her music. the crowd going crazy and obvious love in the air.

There was a lot of gay people around, and what else can be love than that.

i was with the person i though was the one for me, but i wasn’t the one for him, he later found out (oh crap yeah).

every song reminds me of him, of what i felt, and what it wasn’t there.

For example: “All I See“. Check out this wonderful lyrics:

Weekend has arrived
Everybody’s trying to find something to get into
My friends wanna go out
But I can’t cancel my plans
Got a date with my baby he’s picking me up
So I’m gonna catch up with you some other day
Gotta go can’t make him wait tonight
Have to make sure I’m looking hot
‘Cos we’re going to our favourite spot
Till the morning we’re gonna rock
Boy you rock me up (yeah)
My baby
Doesn’t matter what’s going on
Or who’s around us
All I see is you
Right now they’re playing our song
Dancefloor is ours
All I see is you
The DJ’s got me feelin’ like I did
When I first met you
And there’s nothing that can’t break us apart
In two
‘Cos all I see is you
I get lost in time
When I’m lookin’ in your eyes
And we’re body to body
I don’t want you to rush
‘Cos you’re feeling like heaven to me
Follow the rhythm
And keep it real close
In the dark everything goes
Love it better when you touch
(Don’t stop)
Baby ‘cos we’ve just begun
Have to make sure I’m looking hot
‘Cos we’re going to our favourite spot
Till the morning we’re gonna rock
Boy you rock me up (yeah)
My baby
Doesn’t matter what’s going on
Or who’s around us
All I see is you
Right now they’re playing our song
Dancefloor is ours
All I see is you
The DJ’s got me feelin’ like I did
When I first met you
And there’s nothing that can’t break us apart
In two
‘Cos all I see is you
Oh oh oh
Please don’t let me go oh oh
My love for you’s growing
More and more and more
As we move across the floor
‘Cos all I see is you
‘Cos all I see is you
DJ spin my record again
My baby
Doesn’t matter what’s going on
Or who’s around us
All I see is you
Right now they’re playing our song
Dancefloor is ours
All I see is you
The DJ’s got me feelin’ like I did
When I first met you
And there’s nothing that can’t break us apart
In two
‘Cos all I see is you  

Isn’t it awesome? isn’t it what we all feel when we’re in love? like the world can fall apart, it doesn’t matter, all that matters in your eyes is your loved one. Yeah, i felt like that. and maybe for a while he felt the same way back. but then he gave too much importance to what “others” said about us. Here’s the funny story; a “friend” of him told him he saw us in a mall all passionate and “inappropriate” kissing in public. Well, what can i say. First i think is so fraking lame to care about what others say. Second, let me tell ya, when my friends saw me with him, they could see and feel the love in the air, so they really didn’t care about much but feel happy about me. Ok let’s pick another scenario, when you see a couple in love, don’t you fell just a little bit of joy? you can see them in love, even if they are strangers, and you feel like “aw so cute” or whatever. if you’ve ever been in love, you see a couple that’s completely unaware of the world outside and you feel like “aw i know how that feels” and you even feel a little happiness, even if those are complete strangers, because it gives you hope that love does exist.

so i’ve been trial and found guilty of ignoring the whole world because all i saw was him, and i really didn’t care about what others thought. Ok yeah, i admit it I’M FRAKING GUILTY! i don’t give a fuck about what others think or say about me! specially if i’m in love!!! fuck them ok? i’m not hurting anybody by kissing my boyfriend in the street, in the mall or even in the fucking church. if someone feels hurt by that, you kow what, go FUCK YOURSELF. go find love bitch! if you feel disgusted by seeing someone in love, go fucking die. go fucking leave the world in peace because you are one of those people that can’t accept someone else’s happiness. i don’t want that kind of people in my life. go AWAY and BE GOOD GONE.

Anyway. i feel relieved to make my point here.

Moving to another song, we have a beautiful “The One”, check this out:

Starlight shimmers everywhere
There’s a certain something in the air
Can you feel what I feel in me?
It’s in the air, electricity oh, oh
Glimmering under neon lights
I can see the look, that’s in your eyes
Like a shooting star in a galaxy
Making it’s way to the heart of me
I’m the one
Love me, love me, love me, love me
My pulse is racing and I’m feeling high
Never-ending starts tonight
When you do what you do to me
Come on and let yourself feel the need in me, oh oh
Circling and we’re getting close
Can you imagine, just suppose
It’s a feeling that I need to know
Close to touch like Michelangelo
I’m the one
Love me, love me, love me, love me
Can you hear me?
I’m connecting with you
Can you feel me?
I’ll do anything to have you near me
I was wondering will you reach me?  

So pretty. Isn’t it? We all just want to feel we’re the one to someone else. and when we are we just feel it. i just wanted to be the one for you. i wanted you to love me. like a prayer “love me love me love me”… and well. i wasn’t that one. i would have don anything for you, but you didn’t reach me, you pulled me apart anyway…

well. i just wanted/needed/expected love. nothing else.

you were the one for me dear. or so i thought. now thinking again, the One for me, won’t be bothered by me, by my imperfections, or by the way i am. loud, foul mouth, exuberant laugh. straight to the point, analytic, serious, rational, and all the opposites. someone to want that, will be the one.

How about “Wow”:

Read my lips, I’m into you,
I’m into you,
Can’t resist,
You’re so hot (get me into the shade)
The spotlight’s on
You creep into it,
You like it and,
Just the way that you dance,
Just the way that you dance.

 

(Yeah yeah) Is enough to love me baby,
(Yeah yeah yeah) Is enough to send me crazy,
(Yeah yeah) Such an angelic motion,
(Yeah yeah yeah) You know you’re made in heaven.

The way you walk, the rhythm when you’re dancing,
Every inch of you spells out desire,
You’re such a rush (rush), the rush is never ending,
Now,
You got it, you’re wow wow wow wow,
You got it, you’re wow wow wow wow.

The more I try, I try to stop,
The more I can feel my antenna just sensing you up,
And what can I do?
I’m into you, I’m into you,
Love the way that you move,
Just love the way that you move.
(Yeah yeah) Such an angelic motion,
(Yeah yeah yeah) you know you’re made in Heaven.

 

The way you walk, the rhythm when you’re dancing,
Every inch of you spells out desire,
You’re such a rush (rush), the rush is never ending,
Now,
You got it, you’re wow wow wow wow,
You got it, you’re wow wow wow wow.

The thing is that it’s not always about love. it need a little physical connection too. and when you have both, in deed it’s WOW! and we had both i think. he said he couldn’t stop himself from touching me (not a pervert way) and i’m a touchy person, i love to be touched and to touch. and i loved the way we touched each other. always, holding hands, caressing, kisses were like heaven. it’s hard to get that with someone, i don’t think i’ll ever have that.

let’s keep going, “2 hearts”:

You make me invisible
Like the sky, you make my day
I feel so wonderful
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go   Now, see, there’s a darker few
It feels like I never saw the sun
Should I shout for a rescue
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go
Two hearts are beating, together.
I’m in love (woohoo)
I’m in love (woohoo)
Is this forever, and ever
I’m in love (woohoo)
I’m in love (woohoo)
Looks good in the sunshine
Hold on, ‘cause
I’m coming up for air
I can’t even see up here
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go
Oh, oh, oh, don’t let go
Two hearts are beating, together.
I’m in love (woohoo)
I’m in love (woohoo)
Is this forever, and ever
I’m in love (woohoo)
I’m in love (woohoo)

indeed in love feels like heaven, and your significant other is the sun and the stars of that heaven. and in that high heaven, you see  nothing else. he was that for me, i really felt our hearts connected beating together, inseparable… guess what, we were separated after all. by the pressure he couldn’t handle, by his “friend”’s comments. by his own doubts. anyway, i had to keep reminding me that no matter how strong i felt it, it wasn’t the same for him. it’s the only reason we’ve been thrown to this point.

let’s move to the first song i fell in love with in this album “In my Arms”:

How do you describe the feeling?
I’ve only ever dreamt of this
DJ’s spinning up my favorite song
Hurry up and get a groove on
Life’s fantastic and it won’t be long
Don’t let the moment slip away
Cause you and I could find a pleasure
No one else has ever known
Feels like it is now or never
Don’t wanna be alone
How does it feel in my arms?
How does it feel in my arms?
Do you want it?
Do you need it?
Can you feel it?
Tell me
How does it feel in my arms?
Got a feeling this is something strong
All I wanna do is move on
No more wondering were I belong
So never go away
Cause you and I are guilty pleasure
No one else has ever known
Feels like it is now or never
Don’t wanna be alone
How does it feel in my arms?
How does it feel in my arms?
Do you want it?
Do you need it?
Can you feel it?
Tell me
How does it feel in my arms?
I’m listening

No part of this song is bad. all of it is good and perfect. i simply adore it. i felt good in his arms you know. i think for a moment he felt good too. what can be stronger than that feeling?? i still wonder. this song was us. now it’s not. wonder what went really wrong. wonder how could something else be stronger. anyway, if i was just that bad for him, if i really have something he couldn’t stand, then it’s ok. those things part of me were stronger. and all of this was an illusion. no problem. i’ll be alright.

Let’s move to “Sensitized”:

Sensitized by every word that you say
boy you got me messed up
but I like it that way
Tantalized just too good to refuse
when I try to stop ya
you keep blowing my fuse
can’t deny how hot I’m feeling
if my body could fly
I’d hit the ceiling cause
I can’t hold back, the minute I try
baby you trip the switch and I’m sensitized
ev’ry touch, whatever you do
baby you trip the switch, I turn on for you
energized by all the pleasure and pain
boy you got that something
that burns a spark to a flame look at me, you got me begging for more cause you got that one thing I hadn’t discovered before
can’t deny how rude I’m feeling
if my body could talk
you’d hear me screaming
can’t hold back, the minute I try
baby you trip the switch and I’m sensitized
ev’ry touch, whatever you do
baby you trip the switch, I turn on for you
I’m sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I’m sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I’m sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I’m sensitized tonight, I’m sensitized tonight
I come alive
baby you know it’s true, I feel this for you
I come alive
baby you know it’s true, I feel this for you
I come alive

how else can i put it? i was sensitized. open to everything he said. not just physical, but spiritual. in my soul. i believed for the first time in a LONG FRAKING TIME that i was loved. i believed him every time he said he loved me. i felt good with all his pretty words. he said he loved the contradiction of me. he loved me being tough and tender. strong and sensitive. all that is part of me. he said he loved it. and guess what, i wasn’t perfect like he said. he couldn’t take the whole pack in. i wasn’t enough. i wasn’t perfect.

guess what. i knew about his weakness. his imperfection. i never rejected him for that. because all of it, made him perfect. i wanted to stay by his side on his weakness, i could have stayed while he handled the pressure he was under. i could have learned a lot. but i guess it’s not an option anymore.

This one was a pretty song to see live, “Heart Beat Rock”:

Lovers in the back seat
Boys in the back street
Girls in their tight wash
Figure hugging blue jeans
They’re looking like they want
To show out what they got
Their feet are itching to dance
Their bodies ready to rock
I’ve been around the world
But I’m not those other girls
I’m feeling special do you like what you see?
‘Cause I got my best dress on
Can I be your fantasy?
‘Cause I can make your heartbeat rock
I can make your heartbeat rock
I can make your heartbeat rock
I can make your heartbeat rock ooh, ooh…
Baby show me what you got
Baby show me what you got
I can make you so damn hot
I can make you so damn hot
‘Cause I can make your heart beat
ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah
Ladies in the spotlight
Boys are checking their tights
Skirts out while their hips sway
Bumping to the hot track
People take a step back
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon
‘Cause I can make your heartbeat rock  

Yeah moving to greener paths. i felt special, and i thank you because right now i still do. i’m not that bad am i? i’m not like other girls, i’m one of a kind, and indeed i rocked your world as long as you left me and you want to remember.

he rocked my world in a very positive way. he made me happy, he made my heat beat like crazy in crazy tunes and rhythms. for that i’m thankful.

here’s one, and it couldn’t be deeper, “Cosmic”:

I wanted to write a song called ‘Cosmic’
I wanted to get a view of the earth
I wanted to be your lonesome cowboy
I wanted to love you till it hurt
I wanted the right to misbehave
To say she ain’t my crave
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep yet now I’m here
I’m here
I wanted to take your place just sometimes
To know the things you know and why you did the things you do
To say ‘no’ one time and believe it
Oh I wanted so much but only needed you
Wasn’t it just my choice to make,
the bed in which I lay?
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep yet now I’m here
I’m here
I wanted to be able to talk without the interruption
I wanted to sing exotic words
I wanted to find a way to put the end to all of my destruction
I wanted to re-know what I was worth
But wasn’t it just my choice to make,
the bed in which I lay?
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
It’s like I was asleep yet now I’m here
I’m here (it’s cosmic)
I’m here (it’s cosmic)  

breath taking uh? i’ve never denied. i was dying when he appeared in my life. there was so much pain and tears and he came and filled my life with light and hope and laughter. he opened the door in my life and he coach me out without knowing it. he gave me the chance to love and be happy again. for that i’m thankful, more than he’ll ever know. i would have loved to stay like that, happy and plenty, singing just for him, talking, listening, living and learning with him, but like the song says it “but wasn’t it just my choice to make, the bed in which i lay”. he chose for us. it wasn’t up to my great whishes. it was about 2. and one fell out of love, it’s the end of the deal for me, nothing to do.

still. after all, i’m here. alive and kicking. found my worth again. and hell yeah it’s cosmic.

finally to end with gold, the bittersweet “No More Rain”:

Have you ever thought, that the sky was just endlessly dark?
And then you look up, and see a million stars
Have you ever been scared of the water, and stuck on the edge?
And then you dive in, how quickly you forget
Your fears that kept you awake at night
Now that I’m back in the light so warm
I feel it like a
Wave of love coming over me
Got a glitter drop fall and I’m on my knees
Got the sound of you ringing in my ears
Sun coming up on another day
Got a second hand chance, gonna do it again
Got rainbow colours and no more rain
No more (rain)
No more (rain)
No more (rain)
No more
Have you ever dreamt you were flying until you look down?
You never moved an inch, feet firmly on the ground
Our love carries the hurt that you hold
Funny how life can unfold
Oh yeah, I feel it like a

Wave of love coming over me
Got a glitter drop fall and I’m on my knees
Got the sound of you ringing in my ears
Sun coming up on another day
Got a second hand chance, gonna do it again
Got rainbow colours and no more rain

  No more (rain)
No more (rain)
No more (rain)
No more

i’ll tell ya why it’s bittersweet; i felt like no more rain when i met him and he got in my life, stuck in my heart. i felt like i had another chance to making thins right and to be happy.

now, he’s not in me… he’s not with me. but still i hear Kylie everyday, and that and our memories exorcised today with this post, i can hope, there will be no more rain.

after writing this, i feel good. with myself, with us.

no more rain, just keep living, that and my love for music is all that’s left and it’s more than enough to keep going.

over and happily out.

so, it could have been 4 months today. but instead, you chose to be the real end.

i had a hope of we being fantastic together. not just good or great, but fantastic.

but now, i don’t have you.

i’m alone again. and this time, hurts like it’s never hurted before.

the kylie minogue concert. singing (screming) “love at first sight” for you. kissing during that song. watching amazing fireworks at the end of the concert. waking up by your side for more than 5 wonderful days. travelling together through our country, from yout town to mine. looking at you driving with your sunglases. watching you sleep. caressing your skin. making love. watching your beautiful white teeth when you laughted. your smile. your piercings. your smell. planning a life together. making you laugh, making you cry. your eyes. giving you a foot massage. shopping together. you cooking, me just watching. our senseless conversations. drnking beer and watching the city from above together. swimming together. me crying while you held me. dreaming together. talking in your car in front of my apartment about our kids. giving you a surprise visit at work. helping you finish a work-related task. you at my office while i succeded after a month of bad luck at work. eating togther. feeling the wonder when i saw you everyday like it was the first time of my life. feeling butterflies on my stomach, in ache of just watching you. me meeting your family. being by your side while you were sad mourning for someone close to your family. getting drunk together. fall asleep after making love.  road trip together. me asking you to be my boyfriend. on a miniboat together. making you laugh. meeting for the first time.

it was love.

we did so many things. and SO many thing were left undone.

we could have been fantastic together.

i can’t stop loving you. but looks like you already did.

you call it an end. you’re not confortable with me. with my foul mouth, with me being so loud. with me being so ”unproper”…

you were the one. and it breaks my heat that i was so FUCKING SURE i was the one for you. i was so sure you loved me with all my faults. and at the end, it wasn’t true. you can’t stand me, the whole package. it breaks my heart it’s over.

i would have stayed with you in the bad times, in the good times, while sick or healthy. i would have learned to cook. i could have been the one to make you happy.

you are(were) the one for me. but it wasn’t true. you didn’t love me at all.

at the end it was me the one to ask you to be my boyfriend.

at the end it was me the one to say ‘i love you’ first.

i would have fought for you.

i could have waited for you longer.

but you just want it to be over. because you can’t stand me. you’re ashamed of me.

i was proud of you. honored to be with you. i talked about you all the time. i felt alive and happy and loved for the first time in my life.

now. i’m alone. you’re gone.

we could have been fantastic together.

i have no doubt.

i’m brokenhearted.  but like a friend said, my heart is broken but i still love you with every fallen piece of it.

please be happy. please be happy.

i love you.

for every tear i shed, is a wish for you to be happy

without me, please be happy.

by yourself or with someone else. please be happy.

please just keep smiling because your smile shines the whole fucking world.

i love you.

even if you left me broken and empty, even if you broke my heart 20 times. i love you.

please be happy.